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Show GommuniGQiion is flio lioy to LiGiicr uniJorGionilinn ! DAVID E. NIELSSON, PHJ) ! Primary Children's Medical 1 Center Our children are often more aware, smarter, and more clever than we as parents par-ents expect them to be. They watch as well as listen, and they can be devastating Imitators, Imi-tators, parental incons: tencies are Immediately apparent ap-parent to them . How we com -municate with each other and with our children determines de-termines how they will act-and act-and react as adults. The way we were treated treat-ed as children determines, how we will treat our own children. Parent child relationships re-lationships fit definable patterns; child abuse - and husband - and wife -beating, for example, extend back through generations. And if there is to be a positive change in that relationship and method of communication, communica-tion, parents are the key. Witn our spread out society so-ciety grandparents, aunts and cousins living in different dif-ferent parts of the country -extended family Interactions Inter-actions are limited. That puts tue pressure on parents. par-ents. The functions of communication communi-cation within a family are to teach; to express love and other emotions; to discover dis-cover Individual needs and wants; to establish and m ain -tain control with limits, expectations ex-pectations and consequences; consequen-ces; to make decisions; and, in extreme cases, to survive. sur-vive. Commication is a complex com-plex process that requires more than just talk; it requires re-quires action, contact, and most of all, time. What we transmit nonverbally has as great an impact as what we say. For example, fathers m ay express their love faith -fully and frequently, but how is that message received if they are too busy to give of their time? As children grow and mature, physical contact with fathers diminishes; di-minishes; it is a change difficult for children to understand. un-derstand. There Is much made of the impact on families fami-lies by working mothers, but if fathers are communicating communi-cating effectively with their children, that impact shoud be nil. Parental communication Influences childrens develop ment In at least three critically criti-cally important areas. First, we tell theni who a cl''., ...... ,, . , and what they are, what our perceptions of their limitations limita-tions are, and. what they may become. Children have a habit of living up to their parent's expectations, regardless re-gardless of how out of line those expectations may be. Second, children see how ' adults communicate and inter in-ter react. They learn from parents how a man is 'supposed 'sup-posed to treat a woman' and vice versa, and they see how adults react to stress. Children Chil-dren are terrific at emulating emulat-ing the negative behavior of their parents, whether it's cursing, poor driving habits or examples of minor dishonesty. dis-honesty. And they invariably pick the-worst times to display dis-play what they've learned. Third children learn through lectures, discussions, dis-cussions, advice and example ex-ample how to resolve conflicts con-flicts and solve problems. We are responsible for teaching them to survive in a confusing and often hostile hos-tile world. Children need to see conflict and Its positive resolution in order to com -municate effectively in their own relationships. Communication skills are useless unless they include the art of listening effectively. effect-ively. Listening is more than hearing what is being said. True listening is being a-tuned a-tuned to the emotions behind the words, taking time to understand what's being said and being empathetic. Communication channels can be too easily and inadvertantly inad-vertantly closed. Parents may be afraid of the truth and their children may be afraid of retalliation if all the facts are known. Anger, which feeds on fear, prevents pre-vents listening and leads to threats. We often fail to pay attention, either because of pre occupation or because we think we know. We did-we did-we think we know. We dictate dic-tate instead of talk, and don't take the time to find out the facts. We let personal, financial fi-nancial and work problems get in the way, and we often don't want to hear any more negatives. There are some general rules that can aid the effort as we try to communicate with our children: Give your child your undivided un-divided attention. If you find yourself more Interested in the newspaper, or the plot of a TV program, you could be in trouble. Ask questions to clarify and make sure you understand. under-stand. What you think they are saying, and what they are really saying are often leagues apart. Listen with more than your ears. Be aware of facial expressions, body posture, emotions, and other nonverbal nonver-bal clues. Beware of punishing your children for open communication. communi-cation. Convey both positive and negative feedback to your children. Research has con -sistently demonstrated that positive attention is much more effective in controlling children's behavior, especially es-pecially as the child grows older. Communicate at your children's level. Don't talk down to them; they resent, it. Be aware of their level of comprehension. Don't attempt to discuss issues when you or your children are upset, angry, agitated or otherwise distracted. dis-tracted. Such communication communica-tion is often distorted, misunderstood, regretted, or exaggerated. Don't nag or lecture. Children Chil-dren tend to tune it out, making it a waste of time for both parent and child. Let your children observe conflicts between parents, assuming, of course, that the parents can communicate communi-cate effectively and resolve conflicts positively. Children Chil-dren need to learn that conflict con-flict is a very natural part of marriage |