Show BILL OS HIS TRAVELS He Taketh Ale in a Temperance Town and Bitterly Repents HE STRIKES A SPEECH FACTORY Where Eloquence is Supplied at Fifteen Dollars Dol-lars a SpnrtTbo Modesty of Some Public Men For TLE SUNDAY HERALD By special arrange mert Tilth the author I am going to come out stronger for temperance tem-perance hereafter than I have before Heretoiore I have been liberal regarding sumptuary legislation The past year I I have been trying to build up my health by means of mild malt beverages atmeal time This worked well at home but net so well on the road When a man is at home he can eat as many meals a day as he chooijs taking ale or porter along with his meals but when ho goes away ho has to conform to strict rules That is not all Hotels as iho towns diminish in size get more astonished aston-ished as you order ale with your dinner until it is almost like breaking into a pri vate house and having several orgies Of course my physician had told me to use ale or porter along with meals and that it would give me color and strength appetite and good blood So I tried i At the Tootwiler house I asked the waiter if I could have a glass of ale He asked me over again what I wanted Six wide eyed school teachers on the other side of the table looked at each other horrified Tho waiter went to tho head waiter He Came and asked me what I wished I said I would like a glass of ale if we could conceal con-ceal it from the authorities He said I would have to take a bottle Then ho sent out for a blank application I filled it out coloring to the roots of my late hair for everyone stopped eating in order to watch the face of the man who had become a slave to ale Tho stable boy wrapped himself up warmly and bidding goodby to one and all he dashed down the street to the Baby Elephant to fill my order I By the time I got to my pie he came in with a short breath and the ale concealed in a shawl strap Most everybody in the dining room had dawdled through the meal in order to see how I would act after I had orer got my rum They pretended to be talking about something else but really remained I to see me disgrace myself The waiter sent out for a corkscrew and pulled out apiece a-piece of the cork with it He got a better hold and after a long purplefaced struggle with it there was a pop that scared everybody in the house and the ale boiled over the table spurted up the sleeve of the waiter and deluged my pie I am going to drink iced tea now especially in America where drinking is done more behind be-hind the green door and less at table than in other countries I am told v l 54V r dIwitA THE OrEXrSG OF THE BOTTLE Yesterday I met a young man who had just graduated at college and was on his way home I am a little sorry to leave college he said for I have had a good time I have been pretty well supplied with money by my father and graduatsd pretty well up for I made a good showing and a good speech I you will not give jny name I will show you the speech and j tell you where I got it You see I have put in a good deal of time at college out of doors and I have made some little money out of the boys teaching sparrin etc I ctc so I hated to stay indoors and suffer when it didnt fit my 51 leI le-I got the address of Colchester Roberts I 1h Co Tiffin 0 and for S15 got a beautiful beauti-ful oration I am a pretty good elocutionist elocution-ist though a very poor thinker and made a great hit with it The firm is an imaginary imag-inary one for a bright young school teacher does all the work himself and that is all he could do He writes a good lecture on geology or autumn or thought and charges so much a jndred words He did rather extra for me and I paid him well for we had just made something of a little sparring match in the spring I will give you some of the speech I was Thought It starts out Oh I sometimes think how glorious a thing it thought Thought makes the mare go TiiOHirlit threads tunnels with trade and traverses the follies Thought fills the granaries and goals of the earth Who can safely monkey with thought She builds churches schools and colleges bridges the torrent declares dividends after paying large salaries gloiifies the pulpit places a wreath of fame about the knobby brow of the statesman erects monuments to the courageous dead giving the names of the heroes in lower case and sculptured names of the donors in full gothio extended ex-tended letters together with the cost of the monument and other things which do Dot relate to tho deeds of those whose dust lies buried there Who can overtake or put salt upon the tail of thought Xo one can You man count the volts in a stroke of lightning and charge the same up to the om umer but yoh cannot muzzle thought You can harness the tornado and make it lamp water for your stock but you cannot even read the thoughts of a petit jury Who knows what petit jury thinks You knw how long it takes for the light of the faintest Ii ed star to reach the United States Yu can weigh the planets and map out tbe political divisions of the moon but you cannot even prove that a petit jury thinks Then let us do more thinking as we journey adown lifes pathway Let us so far as possible think our own thoughts unless vo are able to employ thinkers to advantage Let us encourage thought in others and do some of it ourselves Thought l soars beyond the beautiful rain bow and finds out how it is done so i f art and science and manufacture may even imitate it Thought skims the milky way and combining it with the mush of our busy life makes food for still more thought Oil let therefore encourage thought even among leo le whose time seems to be mainly taken UD with other things Let us put the thinker on its back as one might say and bid it do its best Show me the nation that has asphalt pavements and honored wives and mothers and I will show you a nation that thinks and ogresses Show me the people who try to do business over cobble stones and woo their wives in the tumult of a stone paved street and I will show you a people who cannot think unless they have a roll of cotton in each ear Show me a nation of people who do not think and I will show you a nation of people who eat their enemies and whose victuals do not agree I with them Thought is really a very desirable thing A manmay be a good penman and yet be a poor thinker Give me aman with I 4 a studious look however and a big rcund house for the engines of thought and I will overlook th bagaess wherewith his trousers trous-ers are wont to bag and the general menacing men-acing way he has of waltzing God made some men good walter and gave to others an earnest view of life together with thoughtfulrcis and biliousness We must accept the treat work as we find i and toner every man for the rood he does 5 4I A GOOD VALTZER The Herald of Chicago had good thing recently on modesty among med iu Congress Con-gress and it is well worthy of a note here Air Joe Cannon of Illinois who wants nothing better than to be called Joe by good men has a dozen modest lines in the Congressional Con-gressional Directory after fifteen years good service while a new man from Jolict I has a real nice encomium evidently written by himself of which the following is a specimen He was born Truxton Cortiand county N Y Aug 231S33 of poor but extremely honest parents who have become famous chiefly through their son He worked on a farm for 7 a month so that he could throw it up to other people when he got into Congress Con-gress He got a common school education in order to give him a chance to become a selfmade man and at 57 per month on the farm managed to save enough in two months to take him through college After ten years of close application as a student the money thus saved on the farm became exhausted and he resorted to teaching school at SIS per month and after three months ho was enabled to take n 1 course at a business college and also complete com-plete legal education on the money thus saved Besides he had enough left with which to purchase a law library and a team of horses At the breaking out of the war he left his large law practice to its fate and with a wild whoop enlisted after which he had a tintype taken of himself and sent it home to those he loved At the battle of Antietam he had malarial fever and did not recover for quite a while The able gentleman goes on at length with his autobiography admitting that he was so courageous that he had to restrain couragous himself so handsome that he used to wish that his face would b disfigured in battle and so brainy that he had to keep a wet towel on his head all through the war He is very kind to himself aid makes other great men in Congress look so small that it brought the tears to my eyes I ten you gentle reader when you let a man loose on his own biography you will ver soon find out the kind of man he is He Is in a dangerous place This man has treated himself with a loving hand Ho has given himself a few encomiums that other people might have overlooked Such men before they prepare to trim their own scaly and juicy brows with laurel should read the simple truthful modest but powerful memoirs of Ulysses S Grant and profit by his beautiful failure to remember himself I |