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Show How to enjoy BYU football on television the editor's column By MARC HADDOCK Make no mistake, it's that time of year again. Fall and that means one thing, Cougar football. That's right, over the next few months all BYU fans will have an opportunity to go to pieces as they watch their favorite college football team and one-time national champions cham-pions fall apart throughout the season or put it all together, whichever the case may be. Unfortunately some avid Cougar Cou-gar fans weren't able to get a season pass or can't afford to fly to various game sites each week. Those are the poor slobs relegated to the cheap seats in front of the television. televi-sion. For some fans and some games, this means finding a friend who subscribes to cable television all year long just so he can watch the few BYU football games. Once you h ave located such a friend, it's a simple matter to sit back and enjoy the game. And to m ajte sure you get maximum enjoyment, enjoy-ment, here are a few guidelines to , help you get the most out of this season. We are already one game down, of course, but all of these wonderful ideas came to me last Thursday when I was trying to pretend I wasn't watching the BYU-Wyo-ming game. Anyway, here goes: For any televised BYU contest, true fans will gather well before the game to discuss the upcoming contest. con-test. This is called the pre-game warmup. For the most part, it consists of lamenting the team's performance the previous week, discussing all of the things that could go wrong this week, and praising and condemning Jim McMahon. McMahon fits into all discussions discus-sions of BYU football somehow, no matter where the discussion There are some simple guidelines guide-lines for this. Take the number of people who are watching the game, multiply this by four, and buy enough food for that many people. Go heavy on salted foods (chips are excellent) and soda pop (decaffeinated, (decaf-feinated, of course), but a lot of meat (cold cuts, for example) is also recommended because football is a fall and winter sport when all that protein is needed. Start the game by worrying a lot out loud about how this player or that player is going to do this week. Pay particular attention to Sean Covey, this year's whippingboy, er, quarterback. It's also good to speculate about how long the starting quarterback will last in this game, and would be appropriate material for a friendly wager exceptBYUfans don't bet. As the game starts, we enter the play-by-play portion of game-watching, game-watching, or second-guessing the coach after the ball is snapped, as some refer to it. Here again, McMahon comes in handy, with phrases like, "If McMahon was in there, he would have made that pass and caught it himself, if he had to." Each play can be a source of aggravation or satisfaction for the true Cougar football fan. If the play is either not a 20-yard run or a completed pass, a moan is an appropriate ap-propriate response. If the play is a circus catch of a pass thrown while the quarterback us off-balance and about to be smothered with 300-pound 300-pound defensive players, the ap- propriate comment is: "Well now we're starting to play like we ought to." If the play results in a BYU touchdown, the Cougar fan can take satisfaction that his or her team is now doing its job. At the end of the first half, we move into the half-time ramble, where the fans try to figure out how the team can come back and win the game, as well as determining just what is wrong with the quarterback quar-terback and why can't he make more than 50 percent of his passes. Game play resumes with the play-by-play, but then moves into the fourth quarter blues, as the fans all express concern and dismay dis-may at the fact that the Cougars are losing a game. The fourth quarter blues are often punctuated with fond reminisces remi-nisces of the Miracle Bowl finish, and how Jim McMahon threw that Hail Mary pass to Clay Brown with no time on the clock to win the game. "What we need now," you'll hear during this phase of watching the game, "is another McMahon, only a nice one." After the game is finished, the fans move in the After-game pick-apart. This is typified by a down-by-down denouncing of the Cougars' game plan and performance. perform-ance. The highlight of the after-game pick-apart is when the fans pool their gripes to come up with the most inane question about the game and the coaching. Whoever comes up with the question which most feel is the most inane then gets to call up for the Lavell Edwards after- game show on KSL radio and ask the question. Once Lavell gives his answer, all the fans get to go home, to prepare pre-pare for next week's game. With these simple rules in mind, I hope you will be able to enjoy tomorrow night's game, and all the games to come, throughout this Cougar football season. And let's hope they make it to another bowl game, or else! starts. True fans are quick to point out that while McMahon was the best quarterback ever to play at BYU, he is probably the worst , person to ever attend the university. univer-sity. And regardless of how today's contest will go, McMahon will be a major part of the discussion as the game proceeds. Good pre-game warmups focus heavily on the stupid things individual indi-vidual players did the week before, as well as a healthy dose of second-guessing second-guessing the coach's decisions. Today's game plan is also heavily heav-ily contemplated, with strong emphasis on returning to the glory days of BYU's passing offense instead in-stead of running the ball so many plays like they will probably do in this game. Food is also an important part of any football game, and any intimate inti-mate gathering should have a broad assortment of items to please the palate of the various fans gathered gath-ered to watch the game. |