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Show Quite Essential. "Young llnxley Is learning to bo a machinist." 1 "Ah, very commendable; wants to have a trndo so that If anything Imp-pcnR Imp-pcnR to bis fortune he can" "Nonsense! No, ho simply wants to bo ablo to Uccp his automobllo go- H It Won't Happen Again. Oovornor (nt tho consul's party) I remember your fnco perfectly, sir, but your namo for tho moment has cs-taped cs-taped my momory. Stranger I am delighted to meet you again, your excellency. My namo js Ivan Pctrovlch Swercczsklskl. I RIGHT AT HOME. Elizabeth (whoso best young man hud been Invited to dlnnor) Do you think his Intentions aro serious, mamma? ' Mother I should say so! Why, ho cats as if ho already belonged to tho family. I Career Projected. "So they won't let you say anything any-thing In congress?" said Fnrmer Corn-trsscl. Corn-trsscl. "No," answered tho youthful statesman. states-man. "Well, you Jos stand pat. Ono o' those days, when they como around and want you to talk, don't you Bay a word. Thcu you'll get tho reputation of beln' a sphinx, which is ono of tho most vnluablo things a man in poll-tics poll-tics can have." I1 As to the Tramps. "Yes," said Shlppln, "It's awfully dull in tho shipping business; nothing at nil to do. It's particularly hard on tho tramp summers " "Why," exclaimed Jolkly, "I should think trnmp steamers would bo delighted de-lighted when there's nothing to do." Philadelphia Press. Explanatory. "Did you read about tho girl who shot n burglar?" "Tho fellow tho pollco said 'bled like a horso?' Yes." "I havo a theory about that." "Spring It." "Sho shot a nightmare." Philadelphia Philadel-phia ledger. Decided. "No." said Samson after ho had brought down tho Iioubo by his last shakedown, "I will novcr glvo nnothor encore to this nudlenco that's Hat." He was right; it was so very flat that not oven tho janllcr's fragments could bo recognized In tho genoral debris. Rebuke or Encouragement. "Ho kissed her on tho forehead. Tho proud beauty drow hcrHolf up to her full height." "And then?" "Ho couldn't roach any higher than her Una, of course." Loulsvlllo Courier-Journal. Ameliorating Circumstances. First hobo I sawed wood onct. ; Second hobo And you ono of tho profesh! O, Clnronce, how could you? First hobo I got out of an old log jail. I Second hobo Forglvo me, Clarence, for mlsjudgln' you. Torro Haute Star. It Depends, "Don't you think this 2-cents-a-mllo legislation for railroads Is rathor strong?" "Oh, I don't know. Automobiles have ono scent for all tho miles thoy travel, and that's stronger than any law can mnko It." Her Symptoms. Mrs. Jawbnck Tho doctor thinks you bare gout und nervous prostration. prostra-tion. Mr. Jnwback Why, tho doctor hasn't seen mo. Mrs. Jawback No, but ho saw me. Should Be Consistent. "I really bollovo," said her Jealous fiance, "that you permit other men to kiss you." "Buroly you don't object," replied the pretty glrj. "You always declared H you were opposed to monopolies."" Hj Another Family Row Started. Yonng wife I'vo taken vory great pains over theBO biscuits, dear, and The bonedict And now, I suppose you want to seo If they'll have tho Hj vain' effect upon me Stray Storlos. isllHv isiiiKKk Incipient. "My mustucho Is beginning to be noticeable at luwBt." said tho callow youth. "Yes," replied Pepprny, "It reminds mo of tho defeated pugilist I snw at that prlzo fight last night." "Aw, how was that?" "Down nnd out." Not That Kind of a Place. "All my threats didn't bother him nt nil," Bald tho collector. "No?" replied tho merchant, "said wo could go as far as wo liked, eh?" "Well or I think tho piaco he mentioned was farther than you'd llko." Bothered by the Lawyers. Widow If John had only made n will thoro wouldn't bo nil this dim-culty dim-culty about tho property. Visitor Do tho lawyers bother you? Widow Mother mo? They nlmoBt worry mo to death. I declare I sometimes some-times almost wish that John hadn't died. Tit-Illts. Good Job. Tuner "Your daughter told mo to call and fix hor piano." Pater "Well, what alls It?" Tuner "Three strings busted." Pater "What'll you take to break tho rest of 'om?" Ach, Louie! "Don't you adoro Gorman?" "No. language too decollete." "Too what?" "Thoso gutturals too low In tho nock." Cleveland Lender. Should Have Been a Year. "In my new play thirty days olapBo botween tho third nnd last acts." "You hot off easy." Cleveland Lcndor. In Russia. "Your excellency, wo havo executed every revolutionist lu tho province." "Well?" "Hut the revolution still goes on." "Then wo must rosort to moro dras. tio measures." Philadelphia Ilulletlu. Both Entitled to the Name. Customer Havu you any extract of beef? Waltor Yes, sir. Drawn or white? Customer nrown or white? ( Waiter Ys. bIi Heef tea or milk? Wanted to Have It Handy. Do Lush Now, look here, McSosh. you don't wont to go right back into Hint saloon again. Surely you'ro not thirsty mi soon? McSosh No, I ain't thirsty rl' now, ol' boy but say, thu' saloon's n good plueu to bo In caste I do get that way. Ainllrl'7 Conveying an Impression. "Why do you persist In your refusal to talk on public questions?" "Because," answered Senator Sorghum, Sorg-hum, "at tho present time that Is tho surest way to convey an Impression thnt you could miy something Important Impor-tant If you choose." Washington Star. How It Looked. "No, dear, I must refrnln from kissing kiss-ing you until you return from tho reception." re-ception." "Hut why?" "Well, tho Inst kiss I gave you nfter you put on your make-up looked llko a wet oasis In a desert of chalk." A Uniform Deficiency. "Yes, tho general of tho Venezuelan army Is going to meet tho French com-mnudcr com-mnudcr nnd arrange the details of the armistice." "Well, what causes tho delay?" "The general bad to borrow a pair of bIioob and a calico shirt." On the Ocean Blue. "When that storm was blowing yesterday," yes-terday," said tho vivacious girl, "I just throw up my hands In despair." "Well," returned her escort grimly, "something got tho matter with mo, too, but I didn't erer I didn't throw up my hands." Awful to Contemplate. Weary Walker "Wot yer ltokln so worried about, Hagsey?" Ragson Tatters "I Just read a piece in do paper (lis mornln' where a scientific sci-entific gent snld: 'Doln' nothln' nil do time Is do hardest kind o' wor.' Geel Suppose dat's true!" Had To. "When wo first got married ray wlfo nnd I quarreled for a year about whether wo should buy an automobllo or a horse and buggy." "How did you settlo It?" "Wo compromised on a baby carriage." A Helpful Wife. Benhnm A man told mo to-day to mind my own business. Mrs. Henham What reply did you make? llonham I told him it wasn't necessarythat neces-sarythat you looked out for thnt. It Probably Was. "I heard a very loud noise In tho hall early this morning, Thomas, a vory loud, a very suspicious noise. What was It." "I guess It was tho day breaking, my dear." ALONG THE R1ALT0. " v Old Tragedian Yes; I was onco engaged to old Van Hocks' daughter, but I gnvo her up, preferring art to wealth. Snooks And now I'll bet you'd like a return engagement. The Real Shock. "Don't you think tho people In genoral gen-oral uro very much shocked by these revelations of big profits in graft?" "Shocked? Of course thoy are; that thoy didn't get In on tho ground floor first." Hnltlmoro American. Dangerous Devotion. "Hllgglns' wife thinks he is the greatest man in tho world." "Yes. That's very pretty nnd proper. Tho only trouble Is that Hho Is getting HllrRtns to think bo, too." |
