Show 22 - The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday November 4 1979 Early years of marriage are crucial to families Parenthood romanticized realistic view needed By Brent C Miller PhD Parenthood is highly valued in our society Couples are encouraged in subtle and not so subtle ways to have and raise children If for example a married couple remains childless for very long relatives religious leaders friends and even casual acquaintances begin to ask questions and offer advice The encouragement to have children and the rewards honors and praise for those who do have been called the “cultural press for childbearing'' Idealistic and romantic notions about babies and parenting are also part of our culture A newborn baby is sometimes referred to as a “tiny little angel” or a “bundle of joy” It’s true that most children bring joy to their parents but that's only part of the story Most parents have beard or said themselves “He's so cute when he's asleep!” The reality of parenthood is that children are also a bundle of things besides joy like concern work fatigue and expense Romantic images and conceptions of parenting are much more prevalent than parental realism in our society Romantic conceptions probably help most of us want to have children but in some ways a more balanced view would be desirable Overly idealistic images set up unrealistic expectations aboiit what children will be like to care for This seems to be manifest in several ways especially among your parents The number of teenagers in the United States who are having and attempting to raise babies has risen dramatically in recent years Parenthood during the junior high and high school years always involves immense costs to the teenager usually to the child and often to the grandparents and the larger society when they are fallen back on for help Of course becoming pregnant is not usually intentional among teenagers and there are other considerations in deciding to keep the baby but overly romantic ideas about parenting play a part Romantic notions about having babies and caring for them are certainly among the motivations for Teenage girls spend it big teenage pregnancy and especially for deciding to try and raise the child The more common problems of overly romanticized parenthood though are confronted by new parents in the realities y of parenting Many young people have unrealistic expectations about what infants and children are like to care for and they are surprised or disappointed when their children require more than expected Studies show that young parents By Catherine Surra Stump The early years of marriage are a critical moment in the growth of merital relationships During the first three to four years of marriage a couple must negotiate mutually acceptable ways of relating to one another and to their social and economic worlds as husband and wife Of course many couples do not succeed in this task Even within their first year as spouses many persons give up trying to find workable means for maintaining their marriages We know that most divorces occur between the second and fifth years of marriage When we take into account the fact that the majority of couples separate for some time before divorcing we discover that more couples separate in their first year of marriage than any other So it is no exaggeration to say that the first few years are critical ones for mates What is it about the first year or so of marriage that triggers the end or the beginning of a marriage? Social scientists don’t always agree about the nature of early marriage $ome have studied the first three or four years of married life and have found that couples bask in positive emotions that overflow from courtship In addition these couples enjoy large amounts of time together before the arrival of children These researchers have labeled early marriage a “honeymoon period” Other investigators however have found that this period is a “role transition” which generates stress due to the disruption of familiar roles and the added demands on financial resources Well you might ask “Which is it? Is early marriage a honeymoon or a disappointment?” I would answer “It depends" It depends on what came before marriage I would argue that both sets of findings concerning the character of early marriage are accurate reflections of the experience for some couples The degree of stress associated with this period has to do with the extent of difference between courtship and marriage Let’s first examine the dynamics of early marriage We can agree that the transition from single to married is fraught with the potential for change Individuals who marry may experience change at several levels First there is a shift in the definition of self from son or daughter to husband or wife Second the definition of the partnership between two persons changes from a more or less voluntary union to one bound more by social legal and sometimes religious obligations Moreover most newly weds must find ways of interlocking responsibilities and tasks for which they have had little practice as daters Finally one’s social firm declining personal and marital qualities and higher stress especially for mothers during the years that young children are in the home day-to-da- Don't ignore the negative likely to have unrealistic expectations about child behavior and development And for the average couple the majority of studies show that personal and marital feelings are depressed by are especially having children especially young children in the home Studies of the effects of having children are basically of three types Most transition into parenthood studies have been conducted by asking parents after the fact what it was like to have their first baby In such studies of remembered experiences the general conclusion is that most parents experience a slight or moderate amount of stress and difficulty in adjusting to the first child Adjustments are more difficult for new mothers than fathers and of course a number of gratifications are typically reported by both parents A second kind of study compares people at different stages of marriage and family life In a dozen or mm studies where this comparison has been made couples with young children have lower personal well being and marital qualities than their married but childless counterparts The third kind of study follows the same eouples over time as they have and raise children Such longitudinal studies con cross-sectional- ly NEW YORK (UPI) -Talk about big spenders: teen-ag-e girls spent an e high o($2 billion mi Christmas gifts last year for family friends and themselves This magazine survey all-tim- figure represents an increase of almost 75 So what do these negative sounding findings mean? Some people view parenting difficulties as reasons not to have children at all Others deride parenting as unfulfilling and for some parents it is a disappointing experience A few years ago Ann Landers asked her readers if they would choose to be parents again if they had life to live over Over 70 percent of the responses were negative In spite of what all that has been made of the Lander’s survey this does not mean that most parents wish they hadn’t had kids In surveys which have been conducted with randomly chosen scientifically parent samples over 90 would choose to be parents again if they were starting over And in studies of life satisfaction and well being family life is more rewarding to respondents than any other domain of life So in spite of parenting difficulties the findings don’t mean that people would be better off without children I would recommend though that we be more realistic about parenthood and childrearing It’s alright to accentuate the positive but not to ignore the negative Parenting is a mixed bag Babies may be sweet and cute but they also have wet and stinky diapers cry and wake parents up in the middle of the night Toddlers and preschoolers are not just entertaining and fun to watch sometimes they are frustrating to care for Teenagers can be either great pals or great pains — usually they are both on alternate days of the week Experienced parents know this and prospective parents should know it too It would probably be all to good if our culture presented a more balanced picture of problems and pleasures of parenting — one of life's most complex challenges percent over teenaged girls' Christmas spending five years ago when they spent $115 billion for presents The survey released by Seventeen magazine showed 951 percent gave their mothers gifts spending an average of $30 - - Brant Miller li an assistant professor In the Department of Family and Human Development at Utah State University definition that is how others perceive and react to us is different from courtship to marriage So even though partners may believe that they know one another very well as daters the act of marrying alters may facets of their personal and social lives In an interview study of separation and divorce conducted three years ago many respondents told me that their mates were different people once they were married Many women explained that while they were going together they spent much time with friends and that they felt independent but loved After marriage though they felt that all their husbands wanted was for them to stay at home limit their social contacts and get the housework done Former husbands spoke of being hemmed in and feeling smothered by demanding wives who gave them a free hand before marriage These men (Continued on page 24) on it The three most popular choices were YOUR FAMILY DEMANDS THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF A FULL-SIZ- E CAR OR STATION WAGON THE TIME TO BUY IS NOW! ! ! 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