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Show MX I Droll Stories of the ; Passing Moment. : y " Gti:ssi:i) itiGirr Pat took Mike to h cathedral and sought to Impress upon him the beauties beau-ties of the structure Mike, dnlv Impressed, exclaimed' "Pat. this bates thedlvll" Pat replied "Sure, that's whit It's Intlnded for" Tin: i.oni: hush stati:. 'I lie Gei man banker of Church street loves to tell the storv of the two Iilsh-men Iilsh-men who discussed the "natlonalltv of the Ameilean Slates" Said Put "Pnlth, an' be Jabbers, If this giate couiithr ain't oveiruu wld th' IrNh nu' lt out o' thalrt two States lu th' Union not vvnn has an Irish name" "Sure an' er wrong," replied Mike. "What's the matter wld O'ltegonV" New Yoik Press. NBW WCIlHIKlt MOHY. Itepresentatlvo KIe, of Ohio, submits sub-mits this as n new Nonh Webster stor : Xoih Webster was caught by his wife kissing a maid. "Noah, I'm surpilsed," his wlfo said "Tush, tush, my dear! How often hnve I talked to ou of the niceties of the lhigllh language V" replttd the embarrassed em-barrassed Noah. "You are not surprised sur-prised I am surpilsed. You arc astonished." as-tonished." A "I'HII." SIIP.ltlDAN JOKD. General "Phil" Sheridan was nt one time asked at what little Incident did ho laugh the most. "Well," he said, "I do not know, but I alunjs laugh when I think of the Irishman nnd the nrui mule. I vrns riding down the line one dny when 1 Raw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which wns kicking Its legs rather freely. free-ly. The mule finally got Its hoof caught In the stirrup, when, In the ex-cttemcut, ex-cttemcut, the Irishman remarked; 'ell, liegorrah, If ou're goln' to get on I'll get onY " TIMK AND SCTTING IIKNS. An enterprising salesman from one of the largo cities went to n certain rural ru-ral community nnd endeavored to sell an Incubator to a farmer. His arguments argu-ments did not make any Impression upon the agriculturist. Finally, us a clincher In favor of his uiMo-dntu Improvement Im-provement he exclaimed: "Look nt tho time It will save!" The farmer squirted a mouthful ot tobacco Juice on the ground before replying, re-plying, and then said, with provoking calmness; "Oh, what's time to a scttln hen?" That settled the question. No Incubator Incu-bator was sold. Harper's Weekly. A POLlTi: ItCQUP.ST. In the suburbs of Haltlmoro there Is an ancient glue factory thnt at times Hoods the surrounding scenery with nn odor strange nnd far from sweet. A street rnllwa lino runs past the building, build-ing, and one day last summer when the placo was Indulging In a wild outburst ot Inglorious Incense, nu open cur passed, lu one of the scats of which sat an Irish lnlxirer nnd a middle-aged lady. Tho Irishman's features expressed ex-pressed unutterable things nnd the lady sniffed diligently nt a bottle of smelling salts. The car came to n stop, the glue rioted worse than ever, and tho sou of Krlu could stand It nn longer. "Kxcuse me, mum," he sal I, humbly, ns ho dotted his hat, ' but might 1 ask i to put thu stopper lu that there bottle?" A .NAPOLKON OP HUSINUSS. A certain widow, the mother of several sev-eral children and the custodian of n dog, which had been left, along with sundry debts, by the late husband, be-cumo be-cumo so poor that she could hnidly feed tho children, to say nothing of a healthy cur. Therefore she decided to sell the dog, or, falling In this, to give It nvvay. The delicate task of negotiating negotia-ting tho sale of the dog was entrusted to the eldest son, n boy of ten cars. Ho left early In tho morning nnd returned re-turned late In tho evening. "Well." asked the mother, "did you sell the dog?" "No," replied the oulhfuI Napoleon Na-poleon of buslneh.., "but 1 traded It for six of tho finest pups joii ever saw." What happened thereafter Is not re-corded, re-corded, but since then poverty and an excess of dogs iipiiears to have gone hand lu baud. hi: savi:d his i.ipi:. A group of Coiigreisiuen who happened hap-pened to be at the capital during a ie-cess ie-cess of tho National Legislature helped to vvhllo nvvay the time b exchanging stories, and one of the statesmen from Pennslvnula told this one regarding n constituent. This man, who lived In oao of tho small towns of the Ke stone Stote. was appointed naval olllcer nt the chief port In the Stale. He Immediately Imme-diately packed up his belongings and established himself In the metiopolls of the Commonwealth At the end of four ears tho Administration changed and he relinquished his olllie. When he icturmd to the village of his birth his first visit was to his aged mot In r. She greeted him affectionately and sold! "My boy, ou have had four cais In a lucrative Federal olllee. Toll me. now that It Is over, what have ou saved?" Ho was nonplussed for the moment. Not n penny of his salary lomalncd. In nn outburst of frankness Li turned to her, and leaning over her nld, with hearty fervor: "Mother, I saved my life." Harper's Weekly. ALL THAI' WAS COMING. In Frankfort, K , Is n quaint character char-acter named F,eklel Hopkins, who once gained local fame by discovering a piece of broken track mid flagging nu excursion train in time to save ills-aster ills-aster So It was decided to present Ifreklcl with a gold watch. The head of the pieseiitiitlon committee1, approaching ap-proaching Kreklel with n grave bow. said "Air. Hopkins, It Is the deslte of the good people of Prnnkfoit that ou Kit ill. Ill recognition of .vour valor and merit, be presented with this watch, which, the) ttust, will ever leinlnd ,vou of their unliving friendship " Without the lenst emotion Fzeklel ejected from Ills mouth n long stream of tobacco Juice, took the watch from Its hand-oiuo hand-oiuo case, turned It over and over In his wrinkled hand, and lluall asked with the utmost naivete: "Where's the chain?" NO HI'Sl" FOIt JOHN. A farm laborer was winking In n field b the roadside one cold da) when a clergm,iii came along the road and slopped to speak to him, "Plent of work for ou this weather, weath-er, John?" he culled out. "Ah!" said John, "I don't know when I don't have to work, uo matter what weal her comes " "That's hard. John," said the cleig)-man, cleig)-man, "but wall till .vim get to the placo of rest, then oil will have no work to do" "Humph!" grumbled John, ")ou needn't tell me! The 'II find u Job for John, never fearl It will be: 'Now, John, polish up the sunt' 'John, nu might hang out the staist' 'John, be quick, now, nnd light up the moon!' No, no, parson, there ain't no place of rest for John." Itnin's Horn. CHOCKKTT AND TIM MULKS. When Davy Crockett sat lu the National Na-tional Legislature us n Hepresentatlve of the Slate of Texas he had many clashes with men of more education hut less wit than himself. It Is told ot him that one day while standing In front of his hotel on Peiinslvaiila avenue ave-nue a swarm of mules trotted by under the custody of nn overseer from one of tho stock farms In Vlrgluln. A Congressman Con-gressman from Hoston, who was stand-lmr stand-lmr near bv. attracted Crockett's at tention to the unusual sight, saying: "Hello, there, Crockett; here's n lot of your constituents on parade. Where are they going?" Tho celebrated hunter looked at the animals with a qulwlcal glance, nnd then turning to tho other, said quietly, but with great emphasis, "They nro going to Massachusetts to teach school." Harper Weekly, an i:yi: to tim futuim. Congressman Morrell, ot Philadelphia, Philadel-phia, lu nu address to the National Guardsmen, told a story Illustrating the complications ot civil and military llfo In thu citizen soldluy Mr. Morrell Mor-rell was colonel of the Thlul Peniisjl-vnnhi. Peniisjl-vnnhi. He said: "My regiment was marching down Hrnud street In the van of nu Immense nnd magnificent parade-, whin, near Walnut street, It became necessary to push the people hack a little. The ropes had broken nt this point, and the people, quite iiiilnteiitlouall, encroached en-croached on the line of the parade. "1 assigned a handful of .vouug privates pri-vates to help tho police handle the crowd, nnd one pi hate, stationed near me, 1 Opt my c mi. Hi' got ever-body ever-body back except n fat man. This person per-son did not move. "Private." said I. 'put Hint fat man back ' '"He Fiivshe can't get buck, tin crowd is pushing so,' the pilvale anew an-ew ered "Put .vour uiUHket hull In his client,' said 1, 'and force him back. You nie the stiongei ' '"'Yes' said the pilvale, 'I know I'm the strongei, hut lie's (he foiemaii of our shop." " OLD ANSWIMt. NF.W IIIIIOINDKIl Theie bad been Mime tumble ove I a Hue fence, nnd one of the participants was on trial for assault with a deadly weapon, 'Hie defendant, when th" case seemed In be going agalin't 111 in. Introduced us a vvIIiickkii man of some what shad) iipulHllon who swore that the philutlir had piovoknl the fight The pin-tec utllig alloriu') pioii'i-eliil to c loss examine "Now, sir," he snld, ".vou swore that )nu saw this tight fiom )our house Is that right?" "Ye ll " "I will ask )ihi how fal It Is from .vour Iioiim- lo tile spot wlieie Hie light took phnef" "It's tlftv ) mils and about two feet." Oh )ou've uiciisiiiimI It. hnve)ou?" Icii lr ' "What did )oil do that, for?" "Well 1 thought Hiiue fool law.ver would ask me llle qiieMtloli, mid 1 wanted lo I live It Just light " '1 he Htloriu1) iom' "Your Honor" he snld lo Ihe Judge "1 thought I he witness would Indulge lu that 111111' honored bit "f icpaitie. and I have been fool enough to llud six leputable nnd competent vvltiiesneN who will lestlf) that this man's house Is nearly I'M) jnnU riom the scene ot Hie trouble, mid Is loiiuil Hie cornel where it would have bee n lluposslble for 1 I in to have seen what wns gulag on. I ask that these mem be sworn" Youth's Companion |