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Show -.--.-:-x-x-w-.--x-.".-.".-.." Is Marriage a 'k Success? :: :: :;: j By RING LARDNER xw:-m:mx-:"K-mkkk-:xm' iTo the Editor: ; One of the big N. T. newspapers have been running a serious of articles ar-ticles lately on marriage and whether its a success or vice versa and every day they been printing letters that was sent in to them by husbands and wifes stateing their views on the case and the editors seems to think they should be the people that should ought to know, but as far as I been able to make out from their letters the game will go Into extra Innings and they will finely half to call it oil on acct of darkness. It looks like what the papers calls a hung jury and it should be. The trouble With the discussion and why it ain't lihrt to get us nowheres' is on acct. of the big majority of the letters comelng from people that has only been married one time. I got a friend of mine that is now running his 5th relay and ought to know what he Is talking about, so the other night I asked him to give his frank opinion on the subject, thinking my host of readers would be Interested and here Is what he had to say In part. "Four marriages out of five or In other words 80 per cent Is a howling success. The other 20 per cent Is a fiasco of the 1st water. I am at pres-'ent pres-'ent In the midst of the last named, but as the successes Is more pleas-anter pleas-anter to talk about than the busts, I will start in on the former. "The 1st gal I married was the daughter of a wealthy real estate man named Ella. The old man gave her a check for $10,000 for a wedding present and as we was waiting for the train to take us to the Falls, I got her to endorse the check on the grounds that maybe we would run short on the trip and half to get some of the porters to cash the check. Well, we got to the Falls and set there looking look-ing at them for about hr., and finely I asked her how she liked It and she said her ft, hurt her In her going away shoes and besides If they Was pleasure to be got out of stare-Ing stare-Ing all day at a bunch of running water why not do It in comfort by going back to the hotel and go in the bathroom and turn on all the faucets. She said that as far as she was con-serned con-serned Niagara was a cheese. So I told her that of course they wasn't no sport In just setting there and gapeing at it, but the real fun was to rent a empty bbl. somewheres and get inside It and leave the stopper out so as some air could get In and shoot the Falls. So she liked the idear and we engaged a bbl. by the hr. and come to find out they wasn't room enough in it for the 2 of us to ride at once, so I said we would flip a coin and if it come heads she was to go 1st and I flipped a coin and sure enough it come heads. "The next gal I married was name Claire and she didn't have no dowry but she carried $5,000 accident insurance insur-ance as she use to travel on the road for a vacuum cleaner. It wasn't only about a wk. after the honeymoon that she catched a cold, and it settled set-tled in a hollow tooth and for a couple cou-ple nights she layed and moaned and finely she said she couldn't stand It no more so I lit up the lights and began showing her some of my curios to take her mind off the tooth and one of them was a double bbl. shot gun and before I could say Jack Robertson both bbls. went off right in her eye. The coroner said it was a accident. "No. 3 was name Eloise and I hadn't never heard the name before and kept forgetting it and calling her Ella and Claire both of which had left me a widower, nnd she knew it and didn't like it very well but I couldn't seem to get out of the habit nnd every time I done It she would start a quarrel and it finely got to be a regular mania with her and she says the next time I called her out of her name she would croak herself. So I says don't do that Claire and next thing I knew she had drank a pt. of wood alcohol thinking it was carbolic acid and when I tried to get our Dr. the line was busy. Eloise left me a chest of silver that her uncle had give her who was In the jewellry business bus-iness and I sold It for $1,000. "I was married to the 4th. one name Kate in August and her father I give us a house and lot. She had hay fever and a red nose but I loved her and they wasn't a day past when I didn't bring her a bouquet of some kind of flowers. One day the florist didn't have nothing in stock and I J I was Kinu or scareu to go nome without with-out no bouquet so I stopped by the side of the road and picked a nosegay nose-gay of golden rods nnd nnd tossed it in her hip and the 3d explosion blowed her up. "The lease said about the present lncumbranls why so much the better. I've doue everything I could for her but they don't nothing satisfy her. To make a successful marriage they's got to be a sense of humor on both sides and in our case its all 1 sided. So all in all I claim they's 4 successes to every 1 fliv and as soon as I can get rid of this one I'll marry 4 more and stop on No. 9." That is what a bird told me that has had some experience and his word should ought to carry weight. Personally I am not In a position to speak as my first wife Is still, sticking stick-ing it out on acct. of the kiddies hut I suppose If you was to ask the both of us if marriage was a success or failure, the answer would he a tie by the Bell 8yncJ!cal iccl i |