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Show Who's Crazy Now? One night an eminent alienist found himself standing at the wrong end of a large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. "Look here!" he protested. "Don't you know me? I'm your benefactor. Don't you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?" The thug laughed heartily. "Sure, I remember you! And ain't holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?" Who's John? Lorna: "I'm frantic about my husband. I can't keep him home at night." Lana: "I used to have the same trouble with Bob, but I found a cure." Lorna: "You did? What was it?" Lana: "Well, one night when he came in real late, I just called out, 'Is that you John?' and it worked like a charm." A FRIEND INDEED Extravagance Young Mr. Newlywed realized it was time to start saving monej and decided he wouldn't use the bus anymore when returning from ! the office to home. He ran behind the bus and arrived home gasping for breath. "Dear," he called to his wife, "I saved ten cents this eve ning by runnig behind the bus!" "You dope!" she snapped, "il you'd used your head, you could have saved half a dollar by running home behind a taxi." Cautious "Gus," said Bill, as he caught up with Gus on the way back to camp, "are all the rest of the boys out of the woods yet?" "Yes," said Gus. "All six of them?" j "Yes." "And they're all safe?" "Yep," answered Gus, "they're j all safe." j "Then," said Bill, his chest j swelling, "I've shot a deer." I BLEW HER STACK One night, when John Barrymore was making his first appearance on Broadway, he was chatting with the leading lady. Young Jack was unusually thoughtful. Obviously, something was on his mind. "Is' something wrong?" asked the actress. "I was just thinking of a poor friend," said Barrymore. "He needs money desperately. I've thought of ( a way to help him," continued the Great Profile, hesitantly. "But it means asking a favor of you." "Yes?" "You see, he earns a few extra pennies getting endorsements for a new style petticoat. Now if he could get your name on an endorsement, it would mean a handsome commission com-mission for him. Do you think you could give it to him for my sake?" "Of course. Jack," said the actress, ac-tress, touched. "How thoughtful it is of you to help the poor fellow." She signed the paper and gave it to him. "By the way," she asked. "Do I know the boy? What's his name?" "His name," smiled the Great Profile, reaching for the door, "is Barrymore." Taking No Chances "I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory." "What did he do?" "Made me pay him in advance. THE LIES OF TEXAS . . . i One afternoon, while ambling about his estate, British statesman Benjamin Disraeli came upon one of his tenants having dinner on the grass. "How is it you are eating out here?" asked Disraeli. "Isn't that your house over there?" I "Yes," said the the other. "But I cannot eat there. My stove smokes so badly." "I'll see what I can do," said the ' statesman. He walked over to the house and opened the door. Before he could enter, however, he was stopped by an angry woman, who was brandishing bran-dishing a heavy stick. "Out of this house, you lout," she cried without looking up to see who had entered. "Of all the lazy husbands " Disraeli beat a hasty retreat and returned to where his tenant sat. "Don't fret, my man," he said consolingly. "My stove at home smokes sometimes, too." Economy "Tommy, isn't it rather extravagant extrava-gant to eat both butter and jam on your bread at the same time?" "Oh, no. Mother. It's economy. You see, the same piece of bread does for both." VERSATILE BIRD j-.. ja,.-..v ..rJlW- ihr 1 J If you're very familiar with Tex-ans Tex-ans and their unswerving belief that the sun both rises and sets in their state, then you know full well this may have happened. A fellow tells about a speech once made at a convention by a professor profes-sor from the University of Texas. His audience included at least one man from Oklahoma who was a Texas hater of the first order. During his talk, the professor made repeated reference to the idea that Oklahoma really should be part of "the grrreat state of Texas." "In reality," he expounded, "Oklahoma "Ok-lahoma is nothing but an outlying province of Texas." At that the Oklahoman leaped to his feet. "Brother, I differ there," he roared. "Ain't no state can out-lie Texas." Roving Eyes "Why are men's eyes like the sparrows?" "Because they flit from limb to limb." NOT SO BRIGHT Ed: "My brother is only three and he can spell his name backward." back-ward." Ned: "What is his name?" Ed: "Otto." Not Pretty When Whistler had finished a portrait of a well-known celebrity, be asked him whether he liked it. "No, I can't say I do, Mr. Whistler, Whis-tler, and you must really admit it's a bad work of art." "Yes," replied the artist, looking at his sitter through his monocle, "but then you must admit that you are a bad work of nature." A famous actor was reminiscing about his early days in show business. busi-ness. "It was so tough once," he said, "that I ate the performing parrot we were using in our act." "What was it like?" asked the interviewer. "Not bad," answered the actor. "Yes, but what did it taste like?" "Oh, chicken, turkey, wild duck that parrot could imitate anything." any-thing." Vacant Manager: "Do you find that Miss Parks has a clear mind?" Assistant: "Oh, definitely never has a thing in it." ABASHED BARBER The customer in the barber's chair was a one-armed man. The barber, who was new at his trade, nicked the customer's face; then in his nervousness he nicked again. In an attempt to cover his confusion he began making conversation. "Say," he asked, "haven't I shaved you somewhere before?" "No," the customer replied, "I lost my arm in a sawmill." |