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Show IT IS EASY 10 CARVE.' THAT IS.IF YOU THOROUGHLY UNDER. STAND HOW TO DO IT. , """ " l'lin Trials unit Tribulations or a. Toting Man at Dinner lnrty "iVIion Suddenly Sudden-ly Cullril Upon. . . . A turkey Is uot bard to carve that is, If you know bow, says Kugene J. Oantln In tho Oakland (Cal.) Tribune. Ho continues: "How cosy It Is to go through Ufa thinking that you know bow when really real-ly you do not. Theoretically, what I didn't know about carving was well, was hardly worth knowing. Practically, Practical-ly, this knowlcdgo extended no further Ibsn a raro tenderloin steak or a well done cold tongue that Is, until a few evenings ago, at which timo the wldo difference between practice and theory was demonstrated In a very thorough manner. It was in Chicago, and I had been invited to an informal dinner at tho rcsldenco of a friend. On tho day in question tbe host, that was to be, In some manner sovcrcly cut ono of his lingers, and theroby hangs a talc a bloodless one, however. "At 8 o'clock tbo party of twnlve.balf of whom were ladles, assembled at the table. Tbo accident to tho host necessitated neces-sitated tbe appointment of a substltuto to do tho carving, and, as fate decreed, tbe honor came to mo a case of having greatness thrust upon one with a vongo-ance. vongo-ance. Ere I had been seated nt tbe head of tho table n mlnulo I began to realize the dlBcomforts and tho possibilities of tho situation, and tbo practice-theory ideas camo forcibly to mind. It was necessary to keep cool, however, and, as tbs first courso required only somo slight dexterity wltu soup-ladlo and fish-spoon, I began to gain confldenco and join in tho conversation freely. Never whistle until you aro out of tbe woods I nover will again. A groat big Thanksgiving and Christmas combined turkey camo to vlow, and was placed before mo. Undoubtedly it was tbo ' largest and most intricato turkoy I ever saw, and my temperature went up at onco to ISO degrees In tbe shade. "I was determined to keep cool. Tho conversation was gsnoral by this time, and I saw my chance to dissect that bird without attracting attention. I began whacking away at tho turkoy In a calm, know-it-all way. It wasn't on skates, but pretty soon It commenced to skato around on tho platter at a lively rote, and my outward scronlty began to vanish and perspiration appear at every poro. It now soemed necessary to stand up to it, and I pushed back my chair. Of courso tbo very thing I "feared commenced com-menced to happen. Interest began to center upon mo at tho head of the table, and not on tho conversation, which gradually calmed down and tbon fllokered out into cold, sickening sltonco. 1 To make matters worse there was a j well, adjectives fall me hero but there ' was a llltlo pot terrier in tho room, and soon alter I had commenced giving an imitation of a man who knows how to carve a turkey, he started to frisk about my foot and to tug at my trousers; something some-thing be kept up throughout the performance, per-formance, to my discomfort. "After ages of silence, brokeu only by tbe clash of carvers and tbo dull swish of tbo turkoy as It skated up and down and around tooiude me, I got off enough meat to go around, and resumed my seat with an lnnudlblo sigh of relief. But It was only for a moment, for ono lady-out lady-out of pure cussodnoss, I suppese; it could be uotblug else called nttontlnn to tbo scarcity, In fact, the total absence, ab-sence, of dark moat, aud then, of courso, every one wauled 'somo of Ibo dark.' I got up again. I cut this way, nnd tbon tbo other way,turucd tho bird over half a dozen times, and onco on tho tablo. With a knowlcdgo ncqulrod of Humorous experiences with roust turkey when Borne other follow did tho curving curv-ing I was certain there should be dark meat somewhere, but in splto of nil my efforts and searching no dmk mcut camo to light. Thera was no restraint to mirth now, and tho room fairly rang with laughter as 1 tank back crushed, Jimp, and defeated Into ray chair after announcing llrmly that there happened to bo uo dark meat on this particular (urkey an.exlraordlnary fact, bm to BSBssmviltri I WT I W fbTfrlitn of which I rfbuld vouch, x H registered a resolvo, however, as I sal H down, that the lntrjpacles of ft roast H turkey would be moro familiar Co mo In H twenty-four hours, and that I would H nover rest until I could turn off anything H from a wing up. Until black coffoo H came I was tbo object of remarks which H seemed to strlko tbs others as being H funny. H "My trials were not over. We had H bocn In tho drawing-room but a moment H when tbo ouly Englishman present odd- M od tbo last straw: "Ah, dear follow, H uw, goodness gwoclous, what ever can M bo tbo matter with your twouscrs?" H Tbcro was something tbo matter with H my 'twousers.' I looked down and Uls- H covered to my horror that while I was M making Inroads Into that turkoy tho pet .H terrier had not been Idle, Uo bad made H a fringe around tho bottom of ono leg H and tho other bad n holo as high as my M shoe tops. This was awful. Tho yoll H that went up when this mishap was dls- H covered could bo heard a rnlle. I H hastened back to tbe hotel. It had cost H a 310 pair of trousers so far, but my M mind was made up that it could cost. M 9100 beforo I would ceaso looking for H somo ono to post mo In carving. It was M at great pcrsoual expenso, but tho chef H at the boto) told me all about it. Now H I can carvo, but I am loaded to (ho mut- M slo for the man who asks ino to again. M |