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Show The Salt Lake Tribune, Sunday, February 16, 1986 S3 IS YOUR HOUSE Bill Hall TOO SMALL? MHMHHHUHaa Adding on or remodeling NOW will probably not cost as much as you might have figured. First words baby utters may be the lyrics to a beer commercial NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY there are so many weird kids in this country. Its because of all the damaging things weve said around them while there were in the womb. against their stomachs and say Hi, baby. This is Mommy. (And if that doesnt get Mommy watched by the neighbors, nothing will.) - Hi, baby. This is Mommy" strikes me as a little flippant for A doctor in California, of an initial conversation with somecourse has developed a system one youve never met. It is a matof talking to babies before they are ter worth at least as much consiborn. Dr. F. Rene Van de Carr con- deration as Neil Armstrongs tends his system speeds their ver- carefully conceived first words bal development after they are from the Moon: Thats one small born. They learn to talk faster if step for a man, one giant leap for you jabber at them through Moms mankind. A little too carefully conceived perhaps, but he could have done a lot worse. (Hi, Moon. This is Neil.) CAREFULLY CONCEIVED baby, or even an accidentally conceived baby, deserves something more profound for his first conversation than Hi, baby. This is Mommy. That is a line created by a doctor who, if not brought under control, is capable of going on to tummy. And so he has expectant let mothers abuse their unborn mothers at his Prenatal Universi- children with phrases like Hi ty, sitting around talking to their Have a nice day. baby. navels, a major advance beyond But what concerns me most is merely contemplating them. something the doctor apparently The astonishing part of Van de hasnt thought about: Carrs program is that it gives If what he says is true, if you can some credence to all those old gags: deliberately reach through the outer walls to the inner sanctum How come youre so bald? Was with actual communication of a your mother frightened by a bil- sort, then you can accidentally do liard ball? the same. That is only a small step from, Or your television set can. And How come you talk so much? what have we done to our chilDidnt your mom ever shut up be- dren? What is the effect on the fore you were born? children of today, issued from a Van de Carr has 700 parents womb that was constantly bellied lined up learning how to engage in up to a soap opera or to a beer a series of communications exer- - commercial or to a Ronald Reacises with their fetuses. Part of the gan speech? (Hi, Baby. Nuke the program involves patting the tum- Russians.) my and getting the fetus to reIt must not be forgotten, in that spond with a kick. He claims you respect, that society has a stake in can get a fetus to do it in a predict- the outcome of prenatal communiable way. And I believe him. If cation, in the of the child shaping some stranger pats me on the tum- we will all have to live with. It is my I will respond with a kick ev- widely held that expectant mothery time. ers should not smoke or drink PART OF THE PROGRAM in- while carrying their children lest volves playing music, the same the babies be stunted physically or in even more significant ways. But song each time, which may exthen shouldn't expectant mothers s plain why some get nervous if they dont play the same be banned from watching any television, lest some corrupting record over and over. phrase from some repetitive comThe program also involves mercial penetrate the inner space reading to the baby before birth, in which the baby dwells? which strikes me as a good way to Indeed, is that not perhaps the earn a reputation for being odd. This society tends to keep an eye explanation for why so many milon women who sit around reading lions of our children sit happily nursery rhymes to their enlarged transfixed with anything that is on television, including the commerstomachs. cials, instead of going to the bathFor good measure, the doctor room when a commercial comes urges women to repeat the same on like normal people? No wonder short phrase over and over. He has our kids are so strange. them take a piece of paper rolled Hi baby. Its Miller time. 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