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Show period of time. Also, the young people in our study were being affected at a time when they needed to make major decisions in their lives. The divorce clearly shook the roots of their value systems and character development." She tells of one young woman, normally an excellent student, who was so thrown off balance she was unable to qualify for law school. "Ironically, had one of her parents died, the law school would have made allowances for a year of adjustment during which her studies might suffer. It's unfortunate our society isn't geared to fully acknowledge that divorce, as well as death, leaves deep scars on its survivors," Wallerstein concludes. Divorce lawyers are familiar counterparts to counselors in assessing the damage to parent-chil- d relationships as a result of mid-lif- e divorce. New York attorney Diana DuBroff believes that though the divorce may be in the making for many years, it usually comes as a complete surprise to the children. "And, of course," she reasons, "that's when it hits hardest. Usually, if I ask a divorcing couple about the reaction of their adult children, they shrug and say their offspring accept the inevitable. But when I meet these young people, I can see the parents are not facing reality." Daughters and dads Ann Diamond, a San Francisco area attorney, has observed that a marital split between parents is most threatening to daughters who have been close to their fathers. "Especially," she adds, "when the father starts dating younger women." Generally, Diamond has noticed that men and women alike tend to blame their fathers and act protectively toward their mothers. "There's a great deal of bitterness all around," says Greta Lahr. "Parents usually expect some kind of moral support from their adult children. When they don't get it, they feel rejected and hostilities begin on both sides." "Lynn," a New York secretary, was 24 whpn her parents announced they were getting a divorce. Like Aria Patterson, she thought they were joking. She laughed, thinking as she did that it really wasn't a very funny joke. When she finally stopped laughing, she cried. That was three years ago, and the thought of her parents' separation still brings tears to her eyes. In therapy since the breakup, Lynn reflects: "One of my biggest problems was trying to determine what my par ents wanted from me. My father kept saying it was up to me to help him get Mom back. He'd say, 'We have to work on her,' and I was so confused because I wanted them back together, yet I didn't want to pressure my mother." How has the divorce affected Lynn's own life? '"I used to fantasize about marriage and relationships. I don't anymore," she says. "I'm living with a man right now, and he talks of things like forever. I tell him there is no forever. Let's just see what happens when the lease runs out. I doubt that I'll get married. I know I don't want children. There's just too much hurt for them when all their expectations get smashed." Parents don't prepare While couples with young children ordinarily try to prepare them for an impending divorce, there's little evidence that parents of adults consider it necessary. Aria Patterson says her mother wouldn't even discuss her divorce with the family. Instead, she assumed an air of righteous justification. When questioned by her daughter, she'd retort, "You and your brothers have done exactly as you wanted with your lives. Now it's my turn." "At the time," says Aria, "it seemed as if she wanted to get even for whatever disappointments my brothers and I had dealt her. Now that it's all behind I can look back and realize she had us, she wasn't guilt feelings ready to share with us. And I think too she was unsure in her decision. Probably, she was afraid that if she talked with us, we'd dissuade her from going through with it." Greta Lahr strongly urges couples to take great care in preparing grown children for a breakup. And she cautions not to expect too much of them: Divorce can cause tremendous guilt to the adult child who learns his parents are finally breaking up. ..9 DR. JOSEPH FISCHHOFF ... It usually comes as a complete surprise to the children , and, of course, that's when it hits hardest.. .9 DIANA DuBROFF 'Mature compassion' "Just because your daughter is 35 and married with three children doesn't mean she'll be able to respond with mature compassion upon hearing her parents are divorcing." Lahr adds, "I think too that the kind of relationship that preexists often determines reactions good and bad. Sometimes it's necessary to mend fences before asking for a son or daughter's understanding in seeing the family structure collapse." As for the offspring, Lahr believes it comes down to growing up. "One can't be a little boy or girl for a lifetime," she Rough estimates from National Center for Health Statistics, based on divorce registrations in selected areas argues. "There's no doubt divorce is a disruptive experience. Suddenly, roles are reversed. It's Mommy and Daddy with the scraped knees, and the children who are called on to act maturely and give comfort." Dr. Fischhoff also cites maturity as a key but charges parents with the responsibility for allowing their offspring to grow. His sentiment was reflected by a man in his 30's who said his parents shielded him from their problems for years before the final break. Then, with a divorce imminent, they could "protect" him no longer. "The manner in which the case is handled is critical," says Ann Diamond. "People who have lived together for 20 or more years may have severe repressed anger that erupts during divorce proceedings. They often need a reminder of all that is at stake." diShe continues, "In middle-ag- e are not vorces, you only dissolving a union between two people, you are changing the course of life for an entire family unit children as well as grandchildren If the couple has sound divorce counseling, along with legal counsel, it is usually possible to avert any serious alienation between parents and offspring. Adult children can be extremely supportive, but they need to be directed." Aria Patterson believes she has finally accepted her parents' divorce, with all its ramifications. "It would have been so much better if we had tried to understand each other's viewpoint. Instead, we all fought like adolescents for what we wanted. It was hard on my children too. Those Christmas dinners with only one grandparent. To say nothing of the dilemma of having to choose between inviting my father or mother. "It s still difficult, especially now that my father has remarried But we are all trying my parents, my brothers, my own family. We've buried our anger 1? and that's a beginning." 7 |