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Show 0 By Brian Gray It's only four months until Christmas. I mention this because my children still berate me for acting like Scrooge. ..And I intend not to make the fatal mistake I made last year. The mistake was ordering a Christmas catalogue from the toy chain FAO Schwarz. Schwarz caters to the offspring of well-bred, well-bred, upscale Yuppies, the kind of people who buy BMW sbut can't point out Bavaria on a map. Davis County doesn t have many Yuppies; it's hard being a Yuppie in a minimum wage state. But anyone in Davis County can acquire the Schwarz catalogue and the contents are hardly stocking stuffers. My children did not find toys in the 1987 catalogue. They found absolute fantasies. "How about this one, dad," said my son. This catalogue says that we can star in our cartoon. It's a package deal with us traveling to Los Angeles or New York for a meeting with an animation team. Then we think up the script, the professionals produce it and we receive 10 video copies to take home. It s a gift of a lifetime." 0 , "Yes " I said "It's also the income of a lifetime. Schwarz says the whole thing runs $180,000. If you want to rent a cartoon, car-toon, drop by Smith's Food King. I'll even throw in the popcorn." pop-corn." "Well if you're going to be cheap, then look at the next item. The Schwarz catalogue has a Safari Fantasy for kids and adults. The company will fly two children and two parents to Sudan for a private safari, including a luxury campsite complete with" gourmet meals." . . V "There is no such thing as a gourmet meal in Sudan, I said. "And look at the price! For $50,000 we could lease the entire country of Zimbabwe." My daughter then entered the conversation. "I'll be more reasonable," she said. "The catalogue has a section on the Birthday Party of a Lifetime. Junior and 13 friends will be met at the airport in New York, whisked by a 40-foot limousine to the Plaza Hotel, given a tour by Pmocchio and escorted down a yellow brick road from the hotel to the toy store by Dorothy and her pals. It's only $18,000 and it includes presents and a cake." "Great," I said. "For $18,000, the company better place a saw inside the cake." "Why?" she said. "So I can break out of prison after my conviction for bank robbery. Where would I get $18,000?" "Okay, dad. Look at this great item. It's a nine-foot stuffed giraffe. It's only $3,800. It would look great in my room." "So would a singing raisin and you can get those free at Hardees." "Then how about something more practical, something I can wear. How about this coat." "That's mink!" "Yes, and Schwarz has it for only $2,500." "Don't worry. I'll buy you something similar at Mervyn's and we'll switch the label." "But Mervyn's doesn't have mink coats for kids." "You're right. Their entire women's department doesn't add up to $2,500." "But I don't want a mink coat," yelled my son. "I want this car. Schwarz has a miniature Ferrari Testarossa and it's on sale in this catalogue for only $14,500." "Sorry, kid. It's a gas guzzler, the insurance is too high.. .And for that price, they won't throw in the maintenance manual." "Then why did you let us see the catalogue if you won't buy anything in it?" "So you can see all the options. If you want expensive items, then you'll have to work hard in school and get a college education. educa-tion. To be well-heeled, you should also be well-educated. It's something you should think about, son." "And what about me, dad?" asked my daughter. "Well, you have two choices. Either get a good education or marry a Schwarz!" |