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Show X Proceedings" of ;; IH X The Knockers' Cliib I l BY MURRAY SCHICK. 'lill I HAD a dream last night," remarked the Lawyer, as he put his foot on the chair and rang for a gin fizz. "A nightmare?" queried the Doctor, Doc-tor, who had dropped Into the club af- ter leaving word at his office that ll-PI was out on an important case which ll'l would keep him busy the rest of tho afternoon. ' "On the contrary," replied the Law- ( yer, "It was a delightful dream." 'I'll "We will have to listen to it anyway. j ; so we might as well have it over with. '1 fjl What was the dream?" ',( jH "I was at the ball grounds" If fll "Oh. yes! And the home team made ) lH the only run of the game In the eleventh $ inning, and you" M "It was not that at all. It Is a weak- iiil ness of your profession to Jump at con- . elusions. If a man has a cataract, you' ' H want to give him the Tvater cure at ' .once. What I was about to say was: $ lH that in my dream each player had an' " Q f'H extra man at his side. I turned to a '! oL'H fan and asked: 'Is this a two-Topey- ) ftflH two-little-Eva- aggregation?' 'Of course, i ' (ujH not,' he replied. V'Tllen what are oil i f fM those extra players doing out there?' ' (il'H "Why, don't you know?' he' said. 'Those 'i J aro tho lawyers.' "Just then the game commenced. The I IjiH lawyers simply trotted. around after the' ' M JH players for three or four Innings, and I , ijiiH could not understand what they were nl'l there for. I was abouOo expose ray N'lH ignorance by making further inquiries I a H of the fan when the umpire called a lj jH strike on the batter. , il " 'You are bughouse,' yelled the bat- ill flH ter; 'that ain't no strike.' i tj "Instantly the batter's lawyer drew a 'H sheet of paper from his pocket and be- r ijil gan to write. 'We will appeal this case i )j iH to the Supreme court. Here is the no- , ) I'H tice of appeal,' he said. fjijH "The game went on. Soon a base-. ' :I(H runner started for third with the ball .filH coming from right field in the fame dl- 1 lyiH rcction. Just as the third baseman '' , Jumped and caught the ball the runner I jH slid and grabbed the bag. Quicker than 1 : a wink tho runner's lawyer handed th ' !H limnlrn n nlppp nf minor n-Ifli a -rnrl &-,) I SJ 1 upon it The crowd went wild, and at ' 5 the risk of being Bet down as a jay, I . jf ,H asked tho fan what the paper was. , 5 jH "With a pitying look ho condescended ; 'J lH to explain; 'Why, that's an injunction. I'lH of course. He's enjoined the umpire 'MH from declaring him out. That's one of a'H the prettiest plays I've seen this year. !H Hurrah for Brief! Whoop! Wow! h I JH Whoopee!' 1 ;H "In the last half of the eighth inning jH the batter let out a yell and began to 3 jJ rub his shin. 'Play ball!' said the urn- ivl plre. The lawyer left the batter's side rH and trotted Into the diamond. I was be- N 'IH ginning to catch on to the rules of the ' H game, and I was not surprised to bear U the lawyer say: 'I have here a man- ' jj H dumus from tho district court directing i you to give my client his base." 'He was lA not hit by the ball and must stay at the . n bat,' ruled the umpire. 1 j'j IH "The lawyer raised his hand and two ', M deputy sheriffs hastened to the spot. .M o, One of the officers sat on the umpire's L ftl head, while the other handcuffed him. j1 'He'll get five years for that.' howled I i IH the delighted crowd. Just then the fan irtMH next to me said, 'Pa!' I rubbed my llll eyes, and when I looked around I found ' ) my nine-year-old son standing by my f'H chair. 'g " 'What do you want?' I asked. lj, H " 'Say, pa, what did they do to JoneR f .H for giving the game to Boise last Sun- , iHiH day?' ! "And then I remembered that I had Mi lH been reading about the arrest of Um- frjil plre Jones for disturbing the peace by .'j giving an unpopular decision." ; M'l - mH cords of gilt-edged literature with dell- llil catc blue binding. I I At certain seasons of the year he also Hj sees mud. I wiill From any point of vantage in thlsi. KlH vicinity one may gain a view of nioun- i 'iH tains which contain enough precious H minerals to supply the world with clr- , culating medium, enough coal to keep 1 i jH the nation warm for a century, enough , 1 J 1 iron to build its railroads. t ', 'H The same view will take in valley "(J iH lands of untold richness and a lake with' '..J -1 enough salt in it to season the "srorid'sr ,n meat supply. lj Wo have a city 4 which is nearly a., thousand miles from any competing' , M commercial center. W ll We have city blocks forty lods square ,1 'H and streets 150 feet wide, lined by pop- , ? ; lar trees 150 feet high. ; We have the only Mormon1 Temple, j I 1 1 Tabernacle and organ. "b H We likewise have the Mormon church . and the Ministerial association. AH' Wc have the finest building ston and ! I ' brick clay in tho world, and tho hand-1 1 j somcst bulldingo to prove it. AO 'M Wo have more fine old people, pretty :B women, homely men, ugly old maids i !!'H and meaner kids than any other com- LjH munlty also more kids. Ij'WM Wc have the largest and saltiest dead I K JB sea and the freshest politicians. ,, H 'JJJH Wc have banks with millions of cap- 1 In 'H ltal and a few citizens who are so poor j thnt the sun shines through them. 1 M We havo on one hand the biggest ir- 'j M rlgation project yet undertaken by tho 1 JB National Government: on the. other, a I'll iH Senatorial Investigation. I ,j B We have the largest, hottest and best , medicinal springs In tne country, and j, fl some residents who arc dying by. inches , because they refuse to drink water. h jl Seriously, hoWevor, we who live in ( ; J j H this country in which everything with ' bfH which Nature has to do is constructed 1 '? S H upon so liberal a plan, should be the H happiest, healthiest, holiest, wisest .and H most progressive peoplr on oarth. H Wc Bhould be as broad In intellect as j H our verdant valloys, as high in our , j,f. H alms as the snow-capped peaks, as M 'H beauteous as the summer sunlight scln- C filiating on the shrimp-pink mountain- " H sides. U We should get out of the mud, liter- : VM ally and otherwise, forget about tho I freight rates and follow In the footsteps l 'H of the Commercial club. It would never ' H mob the umpire. . I , M |