Show TO Of HAPP IN MATRIMONY COMPROMISE OFTEN NECESSARY TO SECURE BLISS Woman of Experience Draws Wise I ConclusionsCompromise Between Harried Same As Arbitration New York Herald During the last few months I have written on various phases of matrimony matri-mony but a lady said to me the other day that I had so far neglected to treat I of the most important matter which conduced to matrimonial felicity This lady has had experience for she has been twice marriedhappily both times I believeand Is still quite young enough to make a new venture in the I dangerous experiment of uniting two I personalities harmoniously I used to think she said that I marriage was all that the poets said j it wastwo souls with but a single I thought two hearts that beat as one and all that kind of thing I suppose if young men and young women did not j I hold to this pleasant theory few of them would rush into matrimony in the way they do So it Is probably just I as well that they should think such things for even when they learn that minds and souls and hearts are not single there ip still a chance for them Indeed if there were no chance there would be no happiness for happiness that lasts comes after the realization of the duality of the married and that happiness is invariably founded on an unformulated compromise Nature the dear lady went on to say is war and war as dear old General Shprman says Is hell But cut of that war even though not a gun be fired there can come lasting peace The peace however which lasts Is not the result of conquest but of compromise of a compromise by which each party retires with the honors of war Then they can like the lovers in the fairytales fairy-tales live happily ever afterward This was no new Idea to me but the lady spoke from the fullness of exner lence and I asked her to go on and elucidate her theory She consented to do so but not In an interview The letter she promised to write has lust been received and here are extracts from it When I said that there never were cases in which the lives of newlywed ded people blended perfectly from the beginning I meant to state a general i g m ten fho proposition forcibly and not in the least to deny that there were exceptions I to this rule as to every other There are some mortals in the world so I charmingly amiable that nothing ever disconcerts their serenity Now when two such happen to marryand I have known it to happenthere Is every reason rea-son why from beginning to end they should get on without any warfare or I the need of compromise Such cases I however are rare indeed they are more rare than the exceptionally amiable persons themselves for It sometimes happens that one of these amiable men or women is joined to a scolding shrewish or a discontented partner Even then there is often more than the semblance of happiness for the amiable amia-ble member of the firm always gl sway s-way and the other member of the partnership part-nership being In command must needs be as happy as bad temper will permit per-mit I suspect however that both of these are exceptional instances exceptional I because this charming amiability is very rare itself As a general thing the men and the women who get married are much of a muchness and all are burdened with as many faults as they can carry and keep in decent concealment conceal-ment Both of them In the days of courtship manage this concealment pretty well and for two reasons There is a glamour about that period of life which prevents clarity of vision and then again both men and women particularly par-ticularly men are better in the mating season than at any other time The very fact of the coming union makes I their aspirations higher and their ac I tions purer But precious few of them are perfect with that perfection that hides no flaw And so when they get married and see one another just as they are with company manners put away and in the easy familiarity of home undress then is the time that they need to adjust themselves the one to the otherto compromise their differences in tastes in habits and in temperament This Is no easy matter but the time quickly comes for ninety and nine of every hundred hun-dred who are married Some never effect ef-fect the compromise and of them we hear anon in the divorce courts or we see the evidences of unhappiness with which they drag out their miserable thVr lives I do not pretend that all divorces result re-sult from this lack of compromise In the beginning Not at all Sometimes men and sometimes womeri as they get older develop latent devils which earlier ear-lier slept peacefully and quietly Then again good men and goodfwomen have become bad because of temptations to which they had never bqan subjected in youth and against which they were not therefore prepared J to combat Take drunkenness in men for instance That unquestionably virecks more homes than any other immorality for the very good reason that it leads to pretty nearly all the others That is a weakness the cultivation of which works as swiftly as f sowing b > Cadmus of the dragons teeth Ye drunkenness is a thing t that cannot very well be provided against nor yet can it be made a mattei of compromise compro-mise j miseI confess that I neve i had to deal with It but I have seen others try and I verily believe that the gentle hand Is always the strongest hand Now gentleness is the very essence of compromise com-promise so even in this homewreck lag matter the spirit of compromise I believe to be better than the wilful and masterful way I do not Insist on it however because I know not of it In my personal life and only speak of it as a distressed observer j The one curious thing about matrimonial matri-monial compromises hat the less worthy always give up tle least Take a silly man and a wise woman and he is sure to rule the roost This would seem in the face erf it to argue against compromise But such is not at all the case A marriage in which there is hap plnecs is a pure democracy and all tilt parties to it must be cut off a bit and somewhat added to the stature of the other Of course it is dreadfully sad that somewhat of the best shcaM be sacrificed to the unworthy it would be much better the other way But then life is not a picnic or if it is it Js a picnic pic-nic on a rainy day Still we can extract a lot that Is satisactory out of it If we are more skillful in our antics than the bull in the china shop There are instances in-stances to be sure where to effect a compromise the sacrifices are much too great to be endured Then comes sure unhappiness unhappiness which it maybe may-be is worse than the pain of making the sacrifices I know of an instance Two young people were married just after getting out of their teens It seemed likely I that they would be happy as both were worthy I and upright and the husband had no bad habits and was blessed with an ample competence Neither j was particularly cultivated and so far as education was concerned they eo a par As they grew older I it was hard for them to get along the I girl had come from asprightly race t the boy from asedate orfeShe loved to sing and dance and be merry he when his work was done wanted to sleep She gave up her singing and dancing and became as sedate as a Quaker He merely slept after doing the work in which she had no share Deprived of the innocent gayeties to which she had been accustomed the I I young woman began to read Having a quick mind the reading opened to her new realms and in these she lived I a life In which he could not participate partici-pate In cultivation she was soon I miles beyond him Among their friends when he took a holiday from I his work and his sleep she rhone like a star while he sat like a bump on a I I log silent and when not silent boorish I I He sought by little tyrannies and base I cruelties to oppress the woman who I was his wife Well I wont tell you any morethe man went to the bad I went to the bad because In the beginning begin-ning he did not have the sense to workless work-less and sleep lessIn a word because be-cause it was not In his nature to compromise com-promise but on the contrary to demand de-mand everything and get nothing There are several other paragraphs in the ladys letter all tending to the same thing I believe she Is quite right Compromise between the married is as good as arbitration between nations na-tions But I do not think that anything any-thing Is quite so dangerous as an attempt at-tempt at arbitration between the married mar-ried If they cannot settle and arrange ar-range their differences no one can do It for them Besides what they know of each other is privileged and so long I as there is no pretence of keeping the compact that knowledge must be Inviolably In-violably secret I can think of nothing quite so vile and low as a wife complaining com-plaining to an outsider of her husband except when a husband speaks in other than words of praise of his wife When the time to speak arrives then the time to part has surely come I believe sincerely in matrimonial compromise but in matrimonial arbitration arbi-tration never |