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Show rhl.Phillipr P COMMANDO GIRL ("Young women are being trained as commandos. They are taught to scale walls, batter down doors, break through heavy obstacles, wrestle, fight and do ranger work." News Item.) "I have come to ask for your daughter's hand," announced the young man. "This is rather surprising," said the girl's father. "Are you sure you love her?" "I loved her the first time I saw her go over an 18-foot wall!" "And are you sure she returns this love?" "Yes, sir. Yesterday as she was about to dive headfirst through a sheet of plate glass I asked her if she would marry me, and I heard her answer distinctly above the crash." "How long has this been going on?" "Diving through plate glass?" "No, no. This romance!" "Not very long, sir. I met your daughter while I was bracing some oak trees. She came tearing along in' that effective way of hers and felled them with a quick shoulder movement. I complimented her and one word led to another. I saw her again a few days later ripping planks out of a drawbridge." "And then?" "Well, we had lunch a few nights later, just after she had won three stars for shoeing a horse standing on one leg." "The horse?" "No, your daughter. That night she told me all about herself . . . the time she went through three barbed wire fences in two minutes, eleven seconds . . . the day she swam the Hudson towing a coal barge . . . and the occasion when she and another little girl knocked a hole in an armored car with bare fists. She's so wonderful, sir!" "It's strange that she hasn't told her mother or me of this attachment." attach-ment." "Well, she's been awfully preoccupied preoccu-pied lately. She's concentrating on a new technique for scaling cliffs in wet clothes, carrying 150 pounds of unnecessary luggage." "Ahem. I see. Now suppose I consent. Do you think this will make a happy marriage?" "Oh, yes, sir; yes, indeed. What a wife she will make! Imagine just being able to tell her during a real cold spell to go down to the dealer and really GET SOME COAL!" (That does it. The wedding takes place six weeks later, with the minister asking the groom, "Do you take this commando?" And with the choir singing sing-ing not only "Here Comes the Bride," but "Here comes the judo expert, the M-round ranger, the pillbox basher ind the best mountain climber of her weight in the East.") THE GWIBIT ("Rep. Karl E. Mundt of South Dakota proposes the organization of a Guild of Washington Incompetent Bureaucratic Idea Throat-cutters to be known as 'Gwibits.' ") A Gwibit loves his desk so grand To hold things he can't understand; He must have clips and spikes and files And wire-baskets in all styles; And as he fills 'em, one by one He blithely chirps, "Well, now that's done!" When anything has gone astray "We're looking into that," he'll say. A Gwibit thinks it is such fun When ten words do the work of one. He thinks long letters ' are a gem That is if he is writing them! He loves ideas, however slim. Provided they're thought up by him. This is the phrase that makes him glow: "We'll check on that and let you know." A Gwibit is a fellow who Resents ideas that come from you, He sees no good in plans by gents Who've had a wide experience; It fills him full of deepest doubt If you know what you talk about; These words he worships, boy, and how! . . . "It's under our advisement now." If he suspects you know your stuff A Gwibit's way is extra rough; He loves to take a plan that's sound And see it get the run-around; Great satisfaction does he get From saying, "File this . . . and forget! " When Gwibits die they tell Saint Pete, "You'll have to wait; just take a seat." "Middle aged gentleman desires company of lady not under 50 years and fond of bottled ale." Ad in New Jersey newspaper. One with her own opener preferred. pre-ferred. Ima Dodo thinks that Mr. Churchill Church-ill was suffering from global pneumonia. pneu-monia. Spelling "cat" isn't the test of smartness; it's the ability to get the cat some milk. |