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Show bv Kick Brough Presenting George Bush s new politeness advisor 'Hello. George.' "Good afternoon. Mr. President." George I've called you here because I'm concerned about this problem you're having with off-color language. "First, your wife was saving that Geraldine Ferraro was something that rhymed with 'rich.' They your campaign manager said she was bitchy and arrogant. And then, to cap things off, you said you kicked a little well, I'm fed up with it, up to my well, keister, and please pardon my French, George." "Yes, sir. I know it's a problem." "Hm? You know what's a problem?" "The language, sir. About Ferraro?" "Oh, yes, well as I was saying, this is a problem. And with it preying on my mind, I can't prepare for my barbecue at Thanksgiving with Margaret Thatcher." "You mean your debate on the 21st with Walter Mondale." ,'' "Oh, yes. That's what I said. Anyway, to solve this problem I decided to bring in a young man on my staff who's been a great help to me. I'm sure he can help you. Let me just buzz Marge, is he here yet?" "Yes, Mr. President He's been waiting half an hour.' "Thank you, Marge Uh, who's been waiting half an hour?" "The person you sent for, sir. Eddie?" "Oh, yes, send him in, George, this young man is the best politeness advisor we've got. Ah, here he is! George, I'd like you to meet Eddie Haskell!" "How do you do, Vice President Bush. And how is the lovely Mrs. Bush? My you're looking well today, Mr. President. And I hope Mrs. Reagan is doing well in her valiant and compassionate war against drugs in the home." "She's fine, thank you, Eddie. You see, George? What a wonderful young man. I want you and your staff to listen to him and do everything he says. I'll leave you to it, Eddie." "We'll get right to work on the problem, Mr. President." "You'll work on what problem, Eddie?" "Mr. Bush, sir. Mr. President, I think the problem is that you're trying to walk and think at the same time again. Remember, we worked this out? First a step, then think, then a step, then think, a step, think ..." "Which do I start with, Eddie, stepping or thinking?" "It doesn't matter. Flip a coin, sir." "Well, I'll be off. I'll leave you two boys to it." "Yes, Sir. And may I say, Mr. President, that I firmly believe you will triumph in the encounter with Mr. Mondale next Sunday. Why, in recent weeks, I've never seen you more vibrant, eloquent and in command of the issues." (Door slam!) "Boy, the old man looks like he's got both knees in the grave, don't he?" "Eddie!" "Hey, keep your alligator shirt on, preppy. Geez, you got a problem, what with your campaign manager and Barbie sticking her foot so far in she gagged on the h.gh he-Ah cut it out. Eddie. I shoulda told the President we've known each other for a long time-that it was you with me when they picked up that comment about 'knS inSL of you. don't I? Hey, lighten up. It s not as bad as when I told Watt they d go crazy for that joke about the Jew, the black and the cnppIe.-Hey, 'Eilie.ne'prcsident doesn't like other people eating-" "Here, have a handful. "Okay. Eddie, but I just hope he doesn t-Mr. President!" -Bovs I just stepped back in because I-George what are you doing with those jelly beans? Haven't I told you before that all you have to do is ask for some? Can't you ask instead of taking? Do I come into your room and take things?" "N , no, Mr. President." "Please, sir, it was my fault, not George's. He wanted to sample these delightful confections and I'm afraid I should have spoken more forcefully about the need to respect other people's belongings." "Don't try to cover for him, Eddie. George, we 11 talk later about whether you can watch 'Dallas' this week. I'll leave you alone now. Let's see a step, then think, step, think. . ."(Slam!) "Boy, the old man gave you the business. Thought he was going to ground you." "Look, it's like this. Being a vice-president is just like bein' a kid. Grown-ups expect you to goof up a lot, but they won't bother if they don't know about it. So just stay out of their way. And if you get caught at anything, just look down at your shoes and act real ashamed and stuff . . . Boy, this counseling makes you hungry. Can't you order out a little pizza around here . . .?" "Eddie, that's the Red Phone you're picking up" "Hello? Hey, you guys got Andrei Sakharov in a can? Well, let him out before he suffocates . . . Whaddyamean, who's this? I don't haveta tell you ... Oh, yeah? You and what nuclear deterrant ... Oh, you got me scaaaaared! I'm shaking in my Keds . . . Well, I just abolished Russia. We start bombing in five minutes. Whaddya gonna do about it?" The Salt Lake Tribune recently gave a warm review to Raye Ringholz's "Park City Trails." Only problem; The reviewer referred to Raye as "he." She says she's used to it. How time flies. Here it is the middle of October. And it seems only yesterday that roads were being torn up. And we had to drive around in convoluted detours and we never knew how to get into Swede Alley. , ' ' 1 Wait a minufca That was yesterday. i 1 -i l ni i |