| OCR Text |
Show ONCE OVER New Olympics-Russian Styling By H. I. Phillips 1 SOVIET Russia announces it will compete in the Olympic Games. A claim that Zeus was a Russian and that the first victor was not Coroebus but Ivan off Coroebuso-kanoff Coroebuso-kanoff is expected. We propose the following events: e PART ONE Throwing the 100-pound Excoriation Excoria-tion (Russian competitors to be allowed to throw with both hands at a time of their own choosing. Judges to be named from editorial . board of Pravda.) Pole Vault (Soviet contestants to jump last. Height of its vault to be determined by Kremlin decrees-All decrees-All nations limited to two jumps except U.S.S.R. which vi) continue con-tinue to jump as long as- it likes in accordance with party principles.) princi-ples.) 100-Yard Walkout Russia to give any competitor rn earth a start of 50 yards ari walk out with the least provocation and the greatest speed.) 200-Yard Walkout (Russian entries en-tries to consist exclusively of delegates del-egates to diplomatic conferences.) 1,000-Yard Relay Walkout (This will be officially known as the Andrei Gromyko Heel & Toe Event. Limited to delegates to the United Nations. U.S.S.R. contestants to be allowed to beat the gun and shout vhile walking.) PART TWO Hurling the Vet o (Open to U.S.S.R. and Satellites only. Veto to be hurled without warm-up or practice prac-tice motion. Moscow claims to hold world record for hurling the veto ice cold and will stand for no dispute dis-pute of claim. Use of resin bag in veto hurling illegal. Should any Russian entered for this event be unable to participate, veto may be hurled by a committee of his own choosing.) PART THREE 200-Yard Hurdles (Finish line to be decided by Joe Stalin AFTER each heat and following official description of the race from Izves-tia Izves-tia Watchdog Committee.) Wrestling (Soviet team to have right to pick opponents, name time of events and establish own rules for grip and holds. U.S.S.R. wrestlers wres-tlers to be allowed to break scissors, scis-sors, headlock and toehold by vetqrr . boxing (Soviet boxers to tape own fists without supervision, wear gloves of any weight desired and shorten any round in keeping with Politburo policies. Rule about going go-ing to neutral corner after a knockdown knock-down to apply to other nations only. Russian boxers to be permitted' to frame procedural rules in such a case.) Basketball (Russia to use invisible invis-ible basket, announcing score by proclamation.) . PART F0DR Double Talkathon (U.S.S.R. to spot any nation a 2,000-word lead and beat it with ease.) 500-Yard Glare (Russian team to be made up of Kremlin diplomats of at least five year's training in answering a protest with a fixed look of extreme violence.) Upside-down Marathon (Here is the feature event of the Olmpics for 1952. Competitors to carry the torch inverted, passing it on while reaching backward, a difficult trick in which the U.S.S.R. team has a big advantage. Contestants must run forward while facing backwards. back-wards. Putting on running shoes backwards permitted. |
