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Show Sunday, October THE DAILY HERALD, Provo, Utah, 30, 1994 Page B3 Book explores gender differences in workplace conversation By JULIA M. KLEIN Knight-Ridde- ; r Newspapers There's the female surgeon who tried barking orders at nurses, just as her male colleagues had done, and found herself ignored. Then there ' s the university president who gently asked her secretary if she would mind typing a letter and was chided by a male trustee for her indirectness. Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen's latest book on conversational style, Talking From 9 to 5, is filled with faced examples of this double-bin- d !by women in the workplace: Trad- itional female modes of talking !rnay be devalued, but adopting typically male styles may be disas' trous. In a series of visits to American g the businesses, Tannen author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in 'Conversation discovered that best-sellin- when women talked in the ways that the men around them were talking, more assertively and without "they were taken to task for it." "They were told, 'You're not soft enough, you're not friendly enough.' Other women accused them: 'You're aloof, you're stuck-uthe power has gone to (your) p, head.'" Of course, Tannen said during a recent interview, "men who don't speak in ways that they're expected to speak are also punished. ... . Men who talk in ways expected of women are called 'wimps,' and women who talk in ways expected of men are called 'bitches.' And, by the way, you "know" which is worse." Anyone who reads Tannen's lat- est tome in search of an easy blueprint for success in the work world is likely to be frustrated. Weaving back and forth among the topics of power, gender and cultural differences, Tannen examines sexual harassment, the glass ceiling and the persistent problem women face in getting credit for their accomplishments. She noted, among other things, that "both" sexes may be indirect a finding she said surat times prised her. And she emphasized that the conversational rituals many womfor example, saying en employ "I'm sorry" frequently may make them sound less than they really are. But if the Georgetown University professor preaches anything, it is a gospel of mutual understand- nt ing, flexibility and tolerance. At a recent appearance at Borders Book Shop in Center City Philadelphia, before a crowd of more than 100, Tannen summed up her philosophy this way: "My goal is not to have everybody change so that we all talk the same way, but to make the world safe for more conversational styles." In fact, Tannen, 49, who has authored 15 books, finds herself wearying of the persistent demand she faces for simplistic sound bites of both sexes. At personal appearances, on radio and television call-i- n shows, and even during interviews, people hungrily seek her advice. "I'm often surprised," she noted, "to find that I'm mistaken for a psychologist. And people ask me questions like, 'Do (you) have a private practice?'" One of the themes of Talking From 9 to 5 a book she was inspired to write by popular demand is that, in the workplace, should not be judged from reality appearances. "We talk in ways that are automatic," she explained. "Many of the conversational rituals that a lot of women use save face for the other person. Now, a lot of people hear this as And, in a sense it is, but I don't think that's Traditional female modes of talking may be devalued, but adopting typically male styles may be qualify her remarks. "I'm not saying no woman lacks confidence," she said. "I'm not trying to sever ways of speaking from psychology. Obviously, we express our psychological makeup in our words. I'm trying to add a level of awareness and say not everything is meant literally. ' ' But how is one to tell? "I think it's hard," Tannen and quick fixes. "Here I've spent my life studying conversation, understanding how it works all this complexshe said. feel I have this "I ity," insight to give people, and they just want me to give them "tips. ' ' ' The Brooklyn-bor- n Tannen who wears hearing aids to correct an impairment used to teach English as a foreign language. But she was drawn to sociolin-guisti- cs because of her frustration with her personal life specifically, the failure of her first marriage to a Greek man. "Seven years of living with the man I had just separated from had left me dizzy with questions about communication," she wrote in That's Not What I Meant!: How Personal Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. "... Why did this wonderful, lovable man turn into a cruel lunatic when we tried to talk things out and make me turn into one, too?" One of the subheads in the 1986 book, her first of three for a popular audience, is "Linguistics to the Rescue." Over the years, Tannen (who has since remarried) has be- particularly IffliSSi what you do. Use the pronoun "we" about something you "didn't" do." Female bosses, she said, often leave themselves potentially vul- nerable to challenge "because we're not constantly aware" of how important it can be "not to look not to look weak." On the other hand, men in the corporate world too often base their judgments on the mere "appearance' ' of confidence or lack of it. As it happens, the university president Tannen described was n, not lacking in confidence at all: "She didn't for a moment think she had no authority to give her secretary orders. She felt "so" confident she didn't think she had to rub the nose in it. ' ' person's Tannen hastened, as always, to nancial security. Make sure everyone involved is prepared to sacrifice. Unusual skills may be in greater demand than ever before. GEMINI (May 21 June 20): It pays to be prudent where your financial interests are concerned. Keep your guard up saleswhen dealing with people. Renewing an old friendship could have many benefits. CANCER (June 22): Your stock rises when you have ample resources to back up your promises. Try not to get mixed up in other people's problems. Mediating personal disputes can waste valuable time and energy. Remain neutral. ' LEO (July 22): Take advantage of clearance sales if you need .'office supplies or household furnishings. "It feels good to get back on a normal Schedule. Take care of any details that ;tnust be handled before signing an agreement. - VIRGO (Aug. 22): Daydreaming is fine, so long as you do not lose sight of reality. Focus on developing a ' recently discovered talent. A hobby ; could turn into a real gold mine. Your i' faith in loved one is restored. LIBRA (Sept. 2M)ct. 22): New clues niurface in your search for truth. Tact when works better than dealing with a sensitive soul. An attrac-t!v-e member of the opposite sex offers V valuable advice. ' SCORPIO (Oct. 21): Irritable ; VTPs need confident answers and extra ' cooperation; be ready. Do more listen-iUn- g than talking when in the presence of " experts. Do not be swept away by naive re ly fault-findi- tional style. In You Just Don 't Understand, she explored the notion that communication between the sexes is share your creative ideas. 'Warm words of encouragement swing !r an accord your way. Take pride In your " achievements.' Itwhen r-- you CAPRICORN (Dec. n. intimacy and cooperation. For men, it is a kind of competition, a way of fostering hierarchy and This dichotomy helps explain some common conflicts, she pointed out, to the delight of millions who caught her on Donahue or Sonya Live. Men, for example, never want to ask for directions because it involves admitting ignorance and putting themselves in a vulnerable "one-dow- Women, valuing the personal tact involved, have no such condiffi- culty. You Just Don't Understand, which spent four years on the New York Times bestseller list, made the charming professor an instant a role that may have celebrity excited some envy on the part of her academic colleagues. She told the Borders crowd: "I think of one of my friends, who said, as I was going off to a talk show, 'If they need someone to come on and talk about late Latin verb formation, I'm available.'" By contrast, Tannen has become a sort of guru to the masses by suggesting that the war between the sexes is, in part, a mistake. 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SIUGERS i t 'v $3.9S) position. n" ' - . $1 .97 $1.97 maintaining independence. 19): You fun to your bring both energy and e personal relationships. People rally to your cause when you suggest ways to I' Improve your environment. Show your romantic side. Make reservations for a weekend getaway. 18): A ro- AQUARIUS (Jan. atten-Itidivert your may mantle partner from work. Playfulness on the Job could land you in hot water. Let a feel. You Hinging vine know how you ave a right to greater personal T M i St. Nick Reg.$ 6.4 For cross-cultura- l. ! SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21): You ifand a bright associate have a stimulat-"ih- g talk. This person will feel inspired t mt..'Ti (unpainted) Reg. women, she argued, conversation is above all a means of promoting ARIES (March 19): Buckle down to work this morning. Once onerous responsibilities are out of the way, you will feel much better! You may have to appease someone you do not really like. TAURUS (April 20): Collaborative endeavors will bring greater fi- M Snowman wlight bulbs ings. With the help of her mentor at the University of California at Berkeley, Robin Lakoff, Tannen began delving into the effects of gender, as well as ethnicity, class and other variables, on conversa- jd i come convinced that linguistics can be a powerful tool for resolving interpersonal misunderstand- essentially By JEANE DIXON For Oct. 31 re- i when it is used by men. "There are ways you can talk that make sure that what you're doing is recognized," she said techniques that remain foreign to many women. "For example," she said, "you talk a lot about your accomplishments, tell people about it, use the pronoun "I" when you talk about one-dow- "I'm amazed," Tannen added, "how many people are willing to go out and ... tell women they should talk like men, and ... amazed that some people think that's what I'm saying." If, like the female surgeon, "you try to take on a style that isn't your own, and there are a lot of dangers one of them is, you don't really know the style. ... So, yes, you think you're doing the same thing. But you're not." Tannen's very temperateness Sale Starts Monday October 31st and ends Saturday November 5th really the point." In general, she writes, most workplaces still favor male-styl- e communication has provoked criticism from people eager to have her take sides. "Some people say it's outrageous that I just won't say, 'Men's styles are better. ' And some people think it's outrageous that I won't just say, 'Women's styles are better.'" Or, for example, that Jewish style is somehow better than Christian since so many variables style other than gender influence conversation. "Yeah, sure, at some level, I it's think there's a perfect style mine," she said, laughing. "But, as a researcher, I realize the whole world isn't going to have my style. ment." sponded. "I can't say there's a litmus test. I can't say, 'Hold this wick up to this person's shoulder, and if it turns green, she's really The lacking in only solution is to observe a person self-effacin- g. disastrous. and his or her performance over time, and "don't rush to judg- 177, (( urn fro drtUi Wf jf9ti uipfjc un dflim? Ad BTcriwrAn !.... U ivium m Vim. Coat Co rcpotl tors' Prices .By 1 0 !.. . un nuns uir luciiiicill uianu anu l"Jo nM ! .I ! 1 I I . Percent off or clearance sales do not apply vl i i 7 cm |