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Show I Md TVinrrv ON alcohols I He wrenched thim fr'm th' embrace iv th' law, corded thim up in an open Afther burrowta' in a pile iv potatoes, projooced a bottle marked 1 ; ; ij boat, and took thim to th' ship. " Exthract iv Vanilla." 1 1(1 SEE," said Mr. Dooley. " that me frind . I Josephus Daniels has decided not to go ), aboord a mail iv war again." " Docs it make him seasick?" asked Mr. Hcn- ncssy. j " Iv coorse 'u docs that;", "said Mr. Dooley. " Ivry sicrety iv th' navy is seasick ex-officyo, as Hogan says. That is how ye distinguish thim ! fr'm other officers iv th' navy. Ye can always ' tell a sicrety iv th' navy aboord ship be his ' siovcpipc hat. his indiff'rencc to human s'ciety, '. his appcalin' glances tords th' shore, an' his complexion, which shades off fr'm a light green f to a lively yellow. . ' " But manny a gallant lawyer, retired grocer, or iditor has gone to this awful fate whin jooty ) called him, an' th' prisint sicrety if th' navy wild not quail, no matthcr how th' ship squirmed undhcr him. He is a brave man. He's been th' j iditor iv a pa-aper in North Caroliny f'r manny years, an' anny wan who's done it knows that it ; takes more skill an' courage to manoovcr a ; newspaper in th' south thin' to sail a battleship through Hell Gate. But if Josephus Daniels shud make up his mind some day to face th' turrors iv th' deep th' chances ar-re that th' captain cap-tain wud take him be th' coat sleeve an say: V ' ' Misther Sicrety, wudden't ye like to have a look ; at our coal cellar? Step right through this open i ; hatch or, ' Misther Sicrety, wud ye be so kind ! as to go out an' set on that target an' keep th' i, ; score f'r us?' k , J j "What's he done? He's dealt a staggerin' 1 blow at wan iv th' oldest thraditions iv th' navy, i that's what he's done. lie has dashed th' wine cup fr'm th' lips iv th' boys that pace th' quar-ther quar-ther deck. He has ordhcred that hinccfoorth an' f'river no officer iv th' navy can blot up anny spirichous, ferminted, or otherwise improvin' dhrink aboord ship excipt on a doctor's perscrip-t perscrip-t tion. I hear that among th' spicifications in th' new supcrdhrcadnought is wan f'r a prescription bar an' beer pump f'r th' doctor's quarters; " Up to this time, ye sec, Hinnissy, on'y th' ( enlisted men has been bereft iv their booze while bumpin' over th' boundin' billows. It was a gr-reat injustice. A poor innocint lad that had just escaped fr'm his mother's knee an' gone skylarkin' around th1 wurruld f'r his counthry's honor was not permitted to intoxicate himsilf excipt on shore. Day afther day an' month a , afther month th' weary mariner plowed th' 1 5ii Indyan ocean or th' Chiny sea with parched lips ' an' swollen tongue an' listened to th' clink iv fl glasses in the officers' mess, where beakers iv " $ ; cm'ant' passed fr'm hand to hand an' th' merry i h quiP an jest wint round among th' careless dc-f' dc-f' bauchecs. But wan "day th' glad cry iv ' Land , )'. ahoy!' was heerd fr'm th' crow's nest. 'Where ' li . away?' says th' captain, comin fr'm th' dinin' $ room an' placin' an impty bottle to his eye. g .'Upon th' starboard or right hand side iv th' f. r. bow says th' lookout, divin' fr'm his perch into firj', tn' o003"- 1" an instant th' entire crew was overboard fr'm th' starboard bow. Th' hardy tar swum ashore, consumed large quantities iv th' kind iv wassail that is mannyfacthered solely f'r use on sailor men an' hardwood furniture, had his savin's took away fr'm him be th! first lady he met in a saloon, an' wint through th' usual form iv offrin' to lick th' polis foorcc with wan hand tied behind him, Afther awhile, whin th' officers had desthroyed th' last cruet iv Eye-talian Eye-talian wine, wan iv thim was sint to collect th' crew. He wrenched thim fr'm th' embrace iv th' law, corded thim up in an open boat, an' took thim to th' ship. Thin he wint an' repoorted to th' captain. ' Did ye get our gallant crew, sir?' says th' captain, hi did, sir says th' loot. 'How ar-re they, sir?' says th' captain. 'All dhrunk, sir,' says th' loot. ' Dhreadful, sir,' says the captain. 'What did ye do with thim, sir?' says he. ' Locked thim up downstairs, sir says th' loot, ' with gyves upon their ankles says he. ' Good says th' captain. ' Dhrunkcnness is th' curse iv th' common sailor man. It must be suppressed sup-pressed with a firm hand he says. ' Have a dhrink, sir he says. "Well, Josephus Daniels says this is all wrong. He says, says he, it is ondimmycratic an' that a man that has been idjacated at th' cxpinsc iv th' nation has no more right to get pickled thin a poor fellow that's been onidja-cated onidja-cated at his" own expinse. He intinds to restore dimmycratic akequality in th' navy, an' th' way to do that, iv coorsc, is- not to give wan fellow th' same as another gets but to take something away fr'm th' other fellow. If ye've got money an' I'm broke don't give me money. That's wrong. Break us both. A meetin' iv admirals was called as soon as th' ordher come out an' they offered a compromise. It was to let th' crews an' th' sicrety- iv th' navy dhrink as much as they liked. But Josephus he says no. No matthcr how thin th' wine or mild th' beer, th' bold fellows can haye none iv it with their meals. They must ate their hardtack an' salt horse with nawthin' to dilute it sthrongcr thin th' hateful ilimint that floats their ship. Be hivens, askin' a sailor man to dhrink wather is like askin' a railroad injinecr to ate th' right iv way. " But so it is, an' th' navy, th' pa-apcrs says, is all stirred up over it They say 'twill put thim in bad with foreign navies an' that to ask a British admiral to come to dinner an' thin offer him grape juice may lead to blows. They say that afther th' first iv nex' July ye'll be rcadin' in th' pa-apers: ' Giberaltar, July fifteenth. On th' approach iv th' American fleet th' British, German, an' Fr-rinch fleets put huVridly out to sea.' 'F'r gross niglict iv jooty in sinkin' his ship while undhcr th' inflooncc-iv liquor th' German Ger-man Admiral Vassertyfcl has been rejooced twinty numbers an' ordhcred to dine on boord th' American flagship durin' th' month jv August. Au-gust. It is rumored that he has shot himsilf " They want to know why it is if th' navy's supply iv paint is cut off ivrybody who dhraws more thin two dollars a day fr'm th' governiint shudden't have his magazines flooded with non-combustible non-combustible dhrinks. It's a good pint, too, an' I'd like to hear what Willum Jennings Bryan has to say about it. He ought to issue an ordher to th' ambassadures to bar th' odjous stuft fr'm their tables. Maybe he will. Twinty years fr'm now ye may read in a ' Live if George th' Fith ' : ' Th' king visited th' American ambassadure yisterdah afthernoon. Fr'm two to five his ixcil-lincy ixcil-lincy entertained his majesty with a southren anecdote. He was just gettin' to th' place where he explains th' relations iv th' Carters iv Vir-ginya Vir-ginya an' th' McCarters iv North Caroliny whin his majesty showed signs iv faintness an' ast f'r a dhrink. Th' ambassadure explained that he'd be fired if he kept dhrink on. th' premises, but, cautioning th' king that it wud be as much as his' job was worth to have it known, he conducted con-ducted him into th' back yard, opened th' cellar dure, an' led him down into th' darkness. Thin he lighted a candle, an', afther burrowin' in a pile iv potatoes, projooced a bottle marked ' Exthract iv Vanilla ', an' told th' king to take a pull at it. His majesty was very ill th' nex' day.' " It's hard f'r me to think iv a timprance navy. Somehow or other me idee iv sea fightin' an' booze fightin' is so wound up together that there ain't anny romance in wan without th' other. I nivcr see a man iv war in me life but th' brick wan they had at th' wurruld's fair, hu: I always had a pitcher iv wan in me mind with th' sailors below broachin' a cask iv rum on' dancin' a sailor's hornpipe an' th' officers on th' roof standin' around a long table an' dhrinkin' ' Sweethearts an' wives ' in a punch that wud burn a hole in th' deck if they spilled anny iv it, which they didn't". I thought an admiral wud be disgraced if he wint aboord befure he was loaded down to th' Plimsoll line. I figured th' raison th' captain paced th' quarther deck was because he had set up late th' 'night befure an' cudden't stand still. An' now I find that th' seamen don't get anuything to dhrink but tea an' th' officers has been subsistin' f'r years on a kind iv dhrink that was vinegar befure it got sour. An' aven that has been cut out be Jose-phus Jose-phus Daniels. I wondlier what Jawn Paul Jones wud think if he wint on wan iv thim floatin' mashecn shops with a lot iv boys studyir Fr-rinch in wan part iv th' foundhry an' th' officers settin' around th' dinner table an' savin' to each other: 'Don't touch that sasprilly, Percy; it's corked.' " Sure there's manny another old fellow in other thrades thin th' sea wud Uc surprised if he come back an' found how things has changed since th' days whin a gintleman was not a gin-tlcman gin-tlcman if he wasn't cross-eyed by siven o'clock at night. King- Alcohol no longer rules th' sea or th' land. Th' ladies have got that binivolint ol dishpot on iiis knees beggin' f'r mercy an they're savin' to him, ' Did ye have mercy on us?' an' ar-re gettin' ready to chop off his wicked ol' head. Take a dhrink, me boy, whether wheth-er ye need it or not. Take it now. It may be ye'er last. I used to laugh at thf pro-hybition-ists; I used to laugh thim to scorn. But I laugh no more; they've got us on th' run. I wudden't be supprised at anny minyit if I had to turn this emporyum into an exchange f'r women's wurruk. Whether ye like it or not, in a few years there won't be anny saloons to lure th' marrid man fr'm his home, furnish guests f'r our gr-reat asylums an' jails, an' brighten up th' dark sthrects with their cheerful glow. I don't care. I wudden't mind if all th' liquor in th' wurruld was poored into th' lake. It wud make people pay their wather tax with a lighter heart. " But what I'd like to know is, whin all th' breweries an' wine presses ar-re shut down, an' th' piz'ened ivy flourishes on th' roons iv th' magnificint distilleries iv Peory, what's goin' to happen? This here moppin' up iv alcohol is a quarc thing an' I can't make it out. I've been studyin' it f'r manny years an' it looks to me like a kind iv a way men have iv shakin' oft th' harness iv civilization, th' same as ye see an ol' horse whin he is turned loose in a pasture kick up his heels an' roll in th' mud, an' th' older he is th' more ondignified he looks doin' it. Hogan says that iver since man wint around with nawthin' naw-thin' on him but an apron made iv skins he has burrowed in th' earth an' climbed threes to find something that looked innocint which he cud convart into booze. Pie says pigs an' men ar-re th' on'y crathcrs that take nachrally to alcohol. He says there ain't har'ly annything that grows on th' top iv th' arth that can't be turned into this wondherful karoscne. It's made out iv sugar cane, wheat, corn, potatoes, grapes, oats, palm threes, cactus, mare's milk, beets, apples, carrots, rice, or artichokes, an' man wud make it out iv mornin' glories, egg plant, or rubber boots if he cud find nawthin' else. Hogan says that in times gone by, whin our ancestors had no more thin shed their tails, they wint out an' broke open a bee hive, abstracted th' honey, an' afther givin' th' ol' lady enough to spread on th' childhcr's 'bread they stewed th' rest up into a juice that made thim go out an' attackt th' village constable with a stone hammer. Hogan thinks alcohol is nicissry f'r a man, so that now an' thin he can have a good opinion iv himsilf ondisturbed be th' facts. He says that if men didn't have alcohol they'd have hysterics, like th' ladies. He says that whin th' distilleries ar-re closed down, as they surely w,ill be, men will be foorced to make their own dhrinks an' they'll do it. Ye'll see a citizen goin' into his home with a bunch iv sugar cane undhcr his arm or maybe some artichokes or a bag iv potatoes, an' th' next thing ye see iv him he comes out in his shirt sleeves an' climbs a tillygraft pole. He says ye can make sthrong dhrink iv annything with sugar or starch in it. A few years fr'm now I can see ye pacin' up an' down th' sidewalk an' wondhrin' why ye'er shirts haven't come home fr'm the' laundhry. " I don't believe all that Hogan says. I guess th' wurruld cud sthrugglc alone; without it if it had to. ItrB doin' without a good manny thin' that it used to think was nicissry. Butwhattt wondhrin' is what will it be like without t hateful pizen. It's been poorin' it in f'r cinchri an' no wan knows what infloonce it's had on t charackter iv th' human race, d'ye mind. If ii as bad as th' docks say it must have had a goj dale. There's as much iv it put atyay ivry d as there is wather flowin' between th' bankj, th' Mississippi river, an' it's a sure thing th some iv it has took holt. Th' wurruld may 1 betther without it or it may be worse, but,' won't be th' same wurruld. Ye can bet on tKi In me own study iv it in this here laborato I've seen it make silent men talkative an' tal ative men dumb, cautious men bold an' bold ra cautious, a severe man janial an' a janial ni cross, stingy men gin'rous an' gin'rous nj careful. Whativer a man wants to be whin hi sober an' don't dare to be, he's apt to be wh he's dhrunk; Ivry man keeps concealed inhii silf a hero that he greatly admires but fa to cut loose. Rum releases this splindid chi ackter, who rampages around f'r a night toit gr-reat pleasure iv his keeper an' thin retires his cell. In th' mornin' th' keeper has a ha ache an' says to himsilf, ' Why did I let blame fool out?' Now, say I, whin th' dhrS is removed what's goin' to happen ?. On that now poor foorth a sthream iv gooldeni quince whiniver they get th' chance will; ashamed to speak above a whisper, an moA men that was wanst afraid to open their hPA fear iv bethrayin' a slight hiccup will burst fflB lessly into song. Fellows that ar-re now k0 f'r their attintions to th' fair sect will dancei more, an' h-ads that wanst wud not dart W thrust thimsilves on a slipp'ry fuirewill first girl they see an' go tangoin' like maaijw Th' turr'ble judge that now, full iv inUammam refrishmints, angrily turns th' pris'ner ogf th' hangman an' wishes he cud spring th tWHP himsilf will say, ' Who am I to judge mefeW man an' lave th' job to a magistrate whoJj so binivolint whin alcohol was king an' heJWjj .a subjick that he let ivrybody off with a fothi riprimand. Th' whole arth will be turned uK down so no wan can reckonize it. Repy" that ar-re great now will fade away a wans will take their place. We'll havetirtJ our lists, change manny iv our idees, an-) used to new wans, f'r ye can bet, Hinnissy if most iv th' crimes an' a good dale iv jKJ ease that afflicts us must be charged to th fljK that is now dhrawin' to a close, so is much it J? pollyticks, orathry, music, love makin', aj Th' new kind may be betther. But difif'rent an' th' wurruld will be a sadder safer wurruld to live in." " I don't believe in this here pro-hyfoW said Mr. Hcnnessy. " Th' man who dbTK modhratcly ought to be allowed to bavcJSMJ "What is his name?" asked Mr. Do,R! " What novel is he in ?" 'Mi Copyright: ion: By Flnlcy Ptr Dunn -mm |