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Show FABLES IN SLANG I . Bv GEORGE ADE JJ iii I mi ! M I Don "t7 ; ' jr- ( ii "- r A Worm Trying to Give an Imitation of an Anaconda. THE PHONEY VENEER ONCE there was a Young Man with a 30 Per Cent Slope above Ms Eye-brows and an Open Space, where his Chin should have been. He had taken three full Courses In a Correspondence Correspond-ence School which told the Provincial Provin-cial how to acquire Personality, but he had not yet annexed enough to help him In flagging a Street Car. Always he seemed to blend Into the Surroundings, just like a Piece of Furniture. If he started to say Something In Company, that was the Signal for all the Others to begin be-gin talking. He could stand In a Department Store for Hours without with-out being waited on. He was King of the Strap-Hangers and held the World Record for being pushed off the Sidewalk by the white-faced Snips who walk three and four abreast In every Generation there are certain Men who leave their Impress Im-press upon the World. Mr. Effingham Effing-ham Glltta had not made as much as a Dent He was compelled to tise Influence to get his Name Into the City Directory. Ills Mail consisted con-sisted of Catalogues and Propositions Propo-sitions In regard to the Purchase of Books on a Weekly Payment Plan. A SLOGAN SWALLOWER On his Way to Work he gave some crisp Orders to the Menial who was In charge of the Trolley Car. The Conductor did not recognize rec-ognize His Master's Voice so he called Effingham a Piece of Gor-gonzola Gor-gonzola and told him that If ht didn't cut out the Blah-Blah he would have to take a Bat In the Eye. In the Articles which Effingham Effing-ham had been reading there had been no definite Suggestions as to how a Situation of this Kind should be met, so be got off of the Car and walked. For u good many years he had been longing to go Into the Private Office and tell the Boss just what was wrong with the whole Organization Organ-ization and how It would be a Cinch to double the Business and cut down the Overhead If the Departments Depart-ments could be managed by Men whose beads were filled with brains Instead of Omelets. The Chief Executive looked up from his Work and there on the Itug was a Worm trying to give an Imitation of an Anaconda. The Head of the Firm listened patiently. When It was over he did not give Mr. Glitta the Fresh Air or even start in to pan him. He advised the faithful Employee to lie down for a little while and then go out and have his Temperature taken. So that is how near Effingham came to causing a Shake-Un. If Mr. Glltts often pondered on Death ami decided to postpone the Shuffle as long as possible, It was because he knew darned well that his Funeral would be a Flop. Probably what fussed Mr. Glltts more than anything else was the gloomy Fact that the Female Sex regarded him as a Swozzle. Mr. Effingham Glltts was old enough to have a Home of his own, a fine Job at a sweet Salary and a Standing In Society. He saw Men of his own Age being elected to Congress, building Sky-Scrapers and bossing Railroads. Whereas, he sat at a Desk and hnndled some of the piffling Details De-tails of a large corporation. It was about a Year ago that Mr. Glltts decided to stop playlnn the Third Assistant Grave-Digger and be the curly haired hero. When an Insect starts out to be an Eagle that Is Some Contract, but Effingham Effing-ham was hopeful and determined. He had been on a diet of uplifting uplift-ing Editorials and nice hot Slogans. He had been devouring these Inspirational In-spirational Pieces on how to achieve Success. Most of them had been written by salaried Hacks who owed Grocery Bills. HAD GOOD INTENTIONS Mr. Glltts believed anything that was printed and framed. Every time he read one of those highly original instructions hanging above a Desk he resolved to be himself and keep on smiling and do It and not worry. He wanted to obey all of the Rules which had helped so many Humble Beginners to work their way up to $1,800 Jobs. So he made his Plans to emerge from the Hay each A. M. and greet the new-born Day with high Courage. He had It straight from a 15-cent 15-cent Magazine that every Mortal can get away with Anything if he has the Nerve to Jump right In and get a Strangle Hold on the Immediate Imme-diate Problem. He went to his Couch one Evening Eve-ning as a low-grade Mokus and arose next Morning as a strong and silent Character who was going to pry open the World as If It were a soft-shell Clam and Incidentally get the Women all worked np about him and then smile sardonically as he watched them suffer. Possibly our good Friend was a little feverish under the Fedora when he formulated this high Resolve, Re-solve, but he meant well, and he sure made a deceive Stab at Greatness. BACK TO NATURE When he sternly reprimanded the Typist who did a few Letters for him every Day and gave her a Lecture Lec-ture on the Importance of spelling correctly all Words of One Syllable she never missed one Jaw Movement Move-ment as she chewed her Wax, but she did tell him that he was the kind of Fish that ought to stay home all Day Instead of wandering out into the Streets and frightening Pedestrians. For a long time it had been Mr. Glitta secret Desire to plant a Bomb under the Boarding House in which he was eking out a Miserable Miser-able Existence. The Landlady was so busy counting the Calories and providing for the Vitamins that she forgot to give them any real Food. Effingham longed to bawl her out in such Loud Tones that his Complaint Com-plaint could be heard In Cuba. So, while he was still under the Influence of the Complex of Superiority, Su-periority, he opened np and made a Scene at Dinner. Effingham let -out a Squawk, which Is Hoi Pollol for Protest He told the Soup the Truth about Itself It-self so that he could get a Rise out of the Landlady. He just sat back and waited for her to brag about the Home Cooking and the Refined Atmosphere. He had framed a Come-Back which, probably, would lead up to his being ordered out of the Joint, Bag and Baggage. That was wha he craved. He knew that he never could function as a Leader of Men while surrounded by the Flat neads and Tomtits of a third-rate Bean-ery. Bean-ery. Cut the Landlady knew him and liked him and pitied him, so she Just told hlra to be In his Room about 0:30 and she would come up and fix a Foot Bath for hlra and give him 10 Grains of Aspirin and In the morning he would be all right. Sure enough he was. ne awoke next day fully reconciled to the Fact that he wonld always be the Goat of the Universe. He decided that he would have to be a Slob Instead of a Schwab. He flew at the withered Prunes with real Gns-to Gns-to and spoke nicely of the lukewarm luke-warm Coffee. Also he had a Oar ready for the conductor cm the Trol ley Line. MORAL: Those who were not born to be Blase will always be Blozzy. |