| Show fABLES BY ADf The Modern Table FacIe of the Meteoric Mixer Who Did Not Last Such aVery a aVery aVery Very Long Time TimeA TimeA TimeA A LARGE LA ponderous Man with a slow A A Delivery D ry and very erY few lew gallant Ac Accomplishments Accomplishments was trying to date dete up a Nice Nic Girl for or a e case of Marry when a Rival dashed in between them and aDd put pur pu him out of Business S wn for or a while 60 T f This Ri Rival a was KS what they titer called a or He was Sprinter stronger at the start than at any time thereafter After I i having known him for 5 Minutes one I would have said that i he was a Delightful V Chap Those who 5 had Weeks known n him confided for that he was the cheapest Smoke who whoever whoever whoever ever Blew He was a Human Phonograph parried six Cylinders When W hen he bad bid run them through Ug he would begin n all over r again and Duplicate them he H He was a Re Repeater I peater pester He had a few hot bot Stunts but he 1 always exhausted sted his bk Repertoire the first time at lIst Bat and about out a the second or third Session the Listener would drop to I the Fact that h Ste be was being led around and around in a Circle A Young Lady Lad likes n a Compliment If and manufactured ex cx expressly expressly It Is Impromptu pressly for tor her but It makes make her peevish that acme other Girts Girls have had the same ame Speech eeb slipped to them un under der det the same Circumstances i When the broke roke Into the Parlor for the Purpose of the Quiet Q iet Man oran be he b made a big Hit right oft off th the Site R Reel el He tie did all aU the talking and aDd bad had the Girl hanging banging on his Words with one Arm and reaching for him with wit the theother other In 10 the Meantime Old Fun Faa sat back in the Corner completely com tely blanketed but saying to himself Let Ut him bim save have all the Rope he wants and aDd he hell 11 tie himself in a Hard Knot On the third Evening the Sprinter was all aU In and began n to run ron with a Limp so old Charley Slow Stow pulled his Chair for forward forward forward ward and took charge of or the Girl rl once more MORAL Dont shoot all your Fire FireWorks FireWorks Works W as a The Modern FaMe Fable of the Manager and DeadHead Who Was Sour on the Whole Game There Ther was war a case c casehardened ee g hardened o old d First Nighter who claim claimed ed ad that all aU the real e Actresses and funny Comedians bad had been t dead for tor Ii 1 or 26 28 years He longed for forthe forthe the Palmy Palm Days when henhe he used to lean ln back and and be an Encore Fiend Seemingly he overlooked the Fact l act that when Comic Comici i Opera hit bit him hard bard 1 and the Minstrels Minstrel made mad him laugh un frim uV M hi b been a gingery K with a a keen Interest 1 In la Life At that i time tints he be know that he had a Stomach Now he could sit down any anytime anytime anytime his Liver LITer time and write a History of He Me was a Victim of the Pepsin Habit b bAlso Also he was well known in th the Waiting Room where People sit around and hate bate one another while reading last Magazines years to the The old would go PlayHouse and alt nit there brooding over his Internal Organs Orau He have laug laughed for or ST 1 When the Actors looked down and saw that Before Taking Face In the Row I t they ey would rattled and forget forset their Cues get After the Performance the Kicker would go out and tell the Manager what a punk Show it was that the Comedian about as Humorous as a Glue Sand Sandwich Sandwich Sandwich was and the Soubrette was a Varnish to on a 1 aShow Years Tears put After failing falling for Show that pleased pleased the r the i Manager decided to make on one Supreme me meI a Bill that was i Effort He H arranged a Corker Melba did a Slack Rope Act and I Mansfield gave a Pedestal Clog The in inevitable inevitable evitable Double Se e te consisted of Irwin Madam ka Mary Man May Lilian Russell Ruseell Rus Amelia Am lJ Bingham and Julia Marlowe in the Ute Front Row Fran Francis Francia while E H Sothern John Draw Drw cia cis WIlson Joseph Joeeph Jefferson Nat Goodwin Good Goodwin win and Kyrle Bellew Bailen did the Tg Tell TelI Ye Me Maiden Malden Business Mra M Patrick Campbell Pretty broke Glass Glus Balls Bails with a 22 Rifle Ride and the De Pa Boys did several v ral Popular Ballads with Dance Steps Steps in to be he be between The Salary List lo looked k d bigger tween the than the National Debt It was greatest bunch of Stars ever got to toB to together B gether this There can caR be no Kick coming CODling on Show said the Manager but even evea as asbe lae be spoke he be saw the ceasing ott on his Face out with a Look of Disgust although six Champion do doM doa doa to had bad just walked out on the Stage Dramatic Skit a How Ilow do de you like the Show the M Manager lanager The worst WONt I r ever saw aw w was the Re Reply ReplY Reply ply The Plot is not DOt Convincing and the Music is Reminiscent i 1 pass ss you up saW sale th the Manager Y AntI And aft r that he be went beck Nek to eater ins ing te the ordinary PublIc MORAL It Is the Gift of DiSagree ment aleRt that makes The The Modern Fable Fab e of the Boy With the Steadfast Ambition In a Small Place I X where the Local f Freight stopped to rake out dDt the ashes asbe and pick up a Car Carof Carof Carof of Produce there V k was a Boy who had set his bis Heart Hearton I on being a Rail RaU Railroad V road Man Kan He would go o down to the Depot and andA A stand staDel on the platform and aDd look fr at the Head Read Brake Brakef Brakeman f man mall on No 4 1 t and say to himself Some S day I shall ahaB be belike like Uke hint blot if jf I improve my Opportunities Opportunities and learn i to make a Coupling on the Run with without without out the use of a He was down Trains every everyDay everyDay everyDay Day In defiance of tile the Town Fawn Marshal and be wore a att Hat and Braid d I Ioa oa his Clothes and chewed Conductors Delight t All that tat he lee needed Deeded to be a real Railroader was a large Silver Sliver Watch and anda anda a few Cew Orders written on yellow Tissue Paper It was a Freud Day when they the put pot hiss bin hisson oa on an a Extra Run Bun for Cor then be was privileged privIleged privileged to speak k f 1 the Superintendent as the OM OW Man Ma and aft wave his hW hand baud at all tb tile the Girls along the Line LIDe Just Jn t as u be he was waa becoming J well acquaint acquainted ed 54 with wit all the Agents and Operators and bad had acquired a a large lale Vocabulary V to be k used med In m cussing cawing the Engineer er he be got what se seems nui to be due every Brakeman He was a little slow flow in I withdrawing tile the Left Fin and the Bumpers caught him bin I When b he came out of the t Hospital his Left Hand i looked locked like a Pair nf f Scissors Then be he is was wan a M r h Railroader H He went back beck on the Road and the next time ti they landed him bin Right H U He got mixed up in hi a headon beadon Collision and a aGratI Gravel Train piled up on top of him bim By Byth B Bythe th till the time Ih the Surgeons had bad pared away what be any an more m re us tze to him hn j he be was trimmed down down to tn hout three thre Size As A s m as a h hp got his ms j Crutches he be went ba a heck k and g gt s a Job on a aI I Crossing whore where bin ba Duties Dudes wr were to wave wavea e ea a Red Flag aad criticise the Policy Polley of the Road ODe Oae Day Da Ida Uncle a Citizen au came e along and aDd said to what wad left of Mm him If f you JOU had taken my Ad Advice Adrice Advice vice rice you would have been beers a successful ful Business Man with the usual number oi of o oAr Arms Ar 18 and Less Lea L LeaThen Then Theil the Remnant replied as follows When the C Microbe begins to work on a Man M be would ratter rather bo be a a crippled Brakeman than aa an athletic Bank President Pre MORAL He whose whoM Soul fas is la is Railroad Ing log never Dever objects to being Marked Up a little The Modern Fable FabIe of the Maiden Who Connected With the BeeLIne Route to the Region of the UppeD Uppen Ten Beside Be an Ii open Win Wind Window d dow w In the Box Fac Factory c tory there tolled toiled Day Ji R after Day a bright young OU Thing named 5 Lizzie She could look lookout looKout t out and aDd see gee th the Gild Gilded Gilded Gilded ed Youth going goi bv bh L LI I leading their then Doc and trying Tine to walk Eng Ene Engl l lish Ush fashion and she ho would ask herself he i iOb Oh Ob is It K within the tho range of Human Pos Possibilities Po I that some day dayI da daI It I shall meet ascot these theBe re remarkable r remarkable Creatures 7 I The Answer seemed I to have hare a Negative Flavor for up to dat date I LiRie had been beets un unable unable 1 able to Flag any of ni r rear ii our ear Best st Young Men MenI I They see se a aI a a I Girl not Dot even with a Mon But one ODe morning mon Lizzie Li te arose and found that her Name was not Lizzie at all but ElOe Rifle Lollypop supposed to be the Daugh Daughter Daughter ter tar of a Prominent t f San Francisco And the Box Factory saw w hr her herno no more ID rf for sh she was in the th Front Row of o the Merry Villagers of one of these Troupes in which the Principals support the Chorus That evening all the th Young Men Meu who travel on their Names waited at the Stage Stape Door to crave an 11 Introduction 10 so that they might Feed her and present pr nt her with Automobiles She married on ont whoso Folks FoUta came over in the Mayflower and ant done anything else el e except to hold holdon holdon holdon on to their Real Estate And now when wh Ir she floats into a crowded Cafe everyone Rubbers for lor she is a Celebrity MORAL There are no DO Calcium Lights in the Box Factory F etory The Modern Fable of the Agricultural Agricultural tural Ingrate and the Revenge of o othe the Common People leopIe A Farmer Fanner once ran for a County Office He hitched bitched up to hi sidebar Buggy Y and drove around and Electioneered until he her had bad the Job cinched r A Man who lived in Town tried to pull pill aj down the Nomination but Back Townships were w re all for the Farm Fann Farmer Fanner er Cr The Voters said mid I they calculated that tha r Lem wu m r thy with I for he be wore a aSuit Suit Snit of or Blue Jumpers II I and a Hickory Shirt II V I and a full set ot of and aM he be certainly looked the Part LEm was carried to the the f County Seat on rn ona rna a Wave of Popular Enthusiasm He tie moved into a House Houst that was wag painted four or five Colors and he besan to wear his Black Suit every Day Da with a Boiled Shirt and Sleeve Buttons The Word traveled back hack to the County that l Lent m was getting to be a Dude Dud and lid the t next thing you knew by Crim lines hed be sporting a Necktie Lem Lern bad had his hl chinchillas neatly trimmed by the Town Barber and came out In a Derby He spread It on OD pretty Thick and no mis mistake mistake take His Neighbors would drive in town of or a Saturday after a fter a Week of or Hard Work and aDd they would see Lent Lean sit sitting it ting ring by a Window in the Court urt House playing pIa Checkers with the Town Liar when they realized that they the t e Tax TaxPayers TaxPayers TaxPayers Payers were giving Lem em a large Salary Salar for sitting around in his bis Sunday Best Bp t they realized that Lem ha had J entered ent red into intI that old and Conspiracy t to bunk the Granger and goldbrick him hint and give him hint the Short End generally So when Lem Iem ran tin for or reelection the out outlying Outlying lying hiD Vote fell f n on o him like a Horse on a Butterfly Every Ewry hardworking Tiller nf of f the Soil Sell took a Crack at Lent Lem J m because h hp he lived in ID Town and put yn on Dog Wh Whet ri Lem found himself Marooned be he di dit l no want to go 80 back to the Country air an a n I Tackle Hard Work again He stayed HI m t Town and permitted his hi Wife to take Boarders A Good Farmer was watt spotted spoilt in the making of a Disappointed Di Politic Politician Ian ten but bat the Voters did not acknowledge e that they were to Blame B away MORAL MOR from Never Neer his Brae Blue wean Wa Jumpers the t Honest Toiler The Te Modern Modem Moer Table Fable Fb of the e Lady Who Wo Force Liver Down Dow Her Hr Past Pat by 2 Main aia a One o Once there ther was wa a aKS a KS large Je Family of or Girls GirTs in an I Town ToW The Te Family g was up against t J t about abut 5 n the time te and ad tn ti Girls Girs bad bd to Shir hir i for themselves On Or C L of these the Girls Girts Gir dW did i short line le of Kitchen t Work Ok for lor Cr a a time timp timp in IT ITi i order to t sidestep tho I th hI PoorHouse Later Lter on she sh led l v t is the th A Atar Al Altar tar an a industrious in Young Youn Fellow wh took her up tip tp to tt the tta t City Ct where they the ii I Ii i very well She b t gan her b Rs to wear and a do the Heavy Hey o but bit she could couldn not n get away from her Past She re remembered ro r that she bad had juggled jugle the War fIn and rinsed the Diches DIbe for 1 I S per Week and if i Society Solety ev tP eve r heard beard b about aut p it she would be h Discarded So S in I order to allay anay Suspicion and proc pro oer that tt there te was w a Chasm between her ar aT ari i ithe the Kitchen Khe Mechanic Yenh she used ud to roa roast the Help He One O of or her ber favorite Occupations Occupation was to walk up and down a Recent Ar Arrival Arrival r rival from Germany or Scandinavia With Wt the th Irish Irh she had hd to t be b a little more Careful But she worked the Lady Ld Aft tt rt so CuL hard bard that she bad hd to send to t the In Intelligence 1 1 8 har tt tele Office for a new ne batch of nt Menials every Day Dy or o two She S was wa so ee haughty and that sometimes she sh sha almost huty Jollied aD herself into the Belief that a she never jl had been a Hired Girt Girl at all aiL aiLS ner bd Hed s She flattered herself hl that she be could cold con Jump S on ou f a Servant St in a Manner that th t two jp would wo 0 have hav done do Credit Crt to any ay of th tha tho First Families When W her Husband re F baked her Iter for calling down the Maid m in int fl the t bk Presence Pr of Callers Callen she reminded him that very atte aften a Working Girl think thinka she abs Is te as good as an anyone else unless she sh iJ te Is Squelched MORAL It Il te Is to palm off poor Service on a Graduate i Copyright BK Be B by Robert Howard Bus eIl |
