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Show GOOD TAKING NO CHANCES. "Is Mrs. Tracey In?" the caller asked. The hired girl looked her over with suspicion. "Are you an agent for the rough-dry laundry?" ' "No, indeed." "You ain't Introducing any foolish labor-saving patents for the kitchen, are you?" "No." "The reason I ask," the girl explained, ex-plained, "is that a lady I let In yesterday yes-terday turned out to be selling electric wringers, and I heard her tell Mrs. Tracey that half the society women of the Oranges had bought her machines and let their help go. But if you're just a plain caller you can come in." Not Now. "Who's the rummy you've 1 just brought in?" inquired the police sergeant. ser-geant. "He says he's a congressman," responded re-sponded the patrolman. "What district?" ' ' "I asked 'im that, an' he said he was a congressman at large." "Well, he isn't!" snapped the sergeant. ser-geant. "Lock him up!' A POINT IN FAVOR. Pippins Trolley cars are a great blessin'. Sippins They be thet. They be th' only things around here thet an automobile auto-mobile is afraid of. . . Presence of Mind. ! "Oh, John!" shrieked Mrs. Dorkins. "The baby has swallowed a silver quarter!" ! Mr. Dorkins took a handful of change out of his pocket and looked it over. "Calm yourself, Maria," he said. "It was that counterfeit quarter I've been trying to get rid of." The Postcard Habit. "Well, Hiram, your summer boarders board-ers seem to have about everything they want." ' "They're fairly catent. I only overlooked over-looked one point. " i'orgot to provide any postcards of steh points of interest in-terest as the henhouse and the pump." ' . ' , Another Blow at Tradition.; ''I don't believe,", said Mr. Growcher, "that nature intended the country to be used as a picnic ground." ! "Why not?' 1 "If she had she would have arranged to grow sardines, hard-boiled eggs and lemonade as local products." Patriot Perils. j To private life, in tills unresting land, How many public servants hold I have gone! It's difficult to get an office and ' Considerably more so to hold on. How to Nail Thiem. Bill When a Japanese maiden desires de-sires to show, marked attention to her lover she uses the sharpened point of one of her Dnger nails in writing to him. , Jill l suppose many a poor Jap has been "nailed" that way. Looks Suspicious. Mrs. Nupler Are the Bridelums happy with each other? Mrs. Alters I haven't heard them say; but I notice they never speak to Mrs. Lovitt any more you know, she is the lady who introduced them. Lippincott's Magazine. Making Him Useful. ""ester why do you encourage that city dude to call on you?" "Father insists on it. He has the Oy swatting habit, that city feller has. Yesterday afternoon he sat on the porch and killed 400 flies." . . Revived. There was a man In our town Who laid him down one day to die, But sot ri.eht up again when told Of a circus coming, bv and by. Heartthrobs. Patience It is said that man has never constructed a piece of machinery machin-ery with the efficiency of the human heart. It has a capacity of 4.C22 gallons gal-lons per day. Patrice 1 never knew before tha'. they measured love by the gallon. Suspicious. Editor Have you submitted this poem anywhere else? Jokesmith No, sir. Editor Then where did you jet that black eye? Satire. SURE-THING. The Major Do you think balloons and airships will be useful in war? The General They'd be fine things for deserters. Due Regard for Appearances. Caller I understand there are several sev-eral vacancies in your working staff, and I should like a job as solicitor. President of Life Insurance Company Com-pany Begging your pardon for my seeming rudeness, young man, you are too skinny and cadaverous to be a good walking advertisement for an institution in-stitution like ours. Good morning. If You Can't Get the Real Thing "Vegetable oysters, begobs," Says Ginx, "will do fully as well, With vinegar made from corncobs And pepper from cocoanut shell." Motor Murder. "What's your hard luck story, hobo?" "I was a prosperous restaurant keeper in New York. But that last murder ruined me business." "As to how?" "After that, every time an automobile automo-bile rolled up to me door me patrons all rushed out at the back." Founding a Career. , "That was a great speech you made," said the enthusiastic friend. "Do you think it will help me?" asked Senator Sorghum. "Unquestionably. It may not have much influence in public affairs, but it ought to get you an engagement with any lecture bureau." THE REASON. Clara Why did you break your engagement en-gagement with Jack? Vera What good is a man to you with rheumatism in both arms? In the Printer's Office. , "That copy is damning proof of our charges. Where is it?" "The damning copy? I guess the devil's got it."' Was Short. Barber Hair cut, sir? Customer Yes, please. Barger Short ? Customer (feeling in his pockets) Well, I am a little. Will it do if I pay you Saturday? London Telegraph. Tele-graph. What He Had Done. "What have you ever done for me?" complained the young man whose father had chided him for his inability in-ability to get ahead. "Well, I kept your mother from naming you Percy or Clarence." Precocity. "Mamma, I think Henry is going to be a linguist." "Why, dear?" "I have just been listening to him, and in less than three minutes he used five different kinds of slang." Expert Knowledge. She Do you think bats can really do harm to your head? He They can make it feel like it's three times a3 big the next morning. Expectation. "What do you want, ma'am? Do come here and buy!" , "Not today, but in a few days we shall inherit 3,000 marks, and I want to look at something now." Meggen-dorfer Meggen-dorfer Blaetter. A Wise Dad. "I'm going to do something for this infant for which he will be grateful to me in after life." "What is that?" "I'm going to see that he is never photographed minus his clothes." |