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Show Am v jr h 1 1 h v H ' li'illlll II I Tern (D9(Dl(0Blk by David Fleisher Talking back to motor mouth I don't like those cars that have little invisible men in the engines who talk to you. When I was shopping around for a new car not long ago, I encountered one of those annoying creatures. I got in a car, turned on the ignition and listened to the engine a few minutes. As I was getting out of the car, I heard this voice from within the car say, "Your keys are in the ignition." I froze. I thought maybe I was hearing things, and then I heard it again, "Your keys are in the ignition." I took the keys out of the car, slammed the door shut, and left the dealership. The only voices I want to hear in a car are those belonging to people with blood in their veins. I don't like little invisible men running around in the engine, telling me what I should and shouldn't do in life. If I do something wrong, I'd rather hear a bell, a whistle, a siren, or even a tamborine not a space age voice. The problem with hearing voices is that you intuitively want to talk back. "Your keys are in the ignition." "Listen, you little varmint, I know my keys are still in the ignition, and I fully intend to take them with me. Now go back in your hole, and shut up." "Your keys are in the ignition." "Look, if I want the keys in my ignition, that's my business." "Your keys are in the ignition." The pests in these cars must look like little robots, or little ETs. They're engine crawlers who roam around cylinders and pistons all day and night, and bite you whenever possible. I bet they even have fangs. I wonder what would happen if one of these mechanical crawlers got out of control, say on a typical drive around Park City. "Your keys are in the ignition," says the crawler. "Thank you for reminding me," I respond. "You need to cash a check," he says. "I know I need to cash a check; that's why I'm here at the bank." "You need to make a deposit." "I know I need to make a deposit." "Don't forget to sign your deposit slip." "Look, I've been signing deposits slips since before you were born. Now go to sleep." "Your keys are in the ignition." After the bank, I head for Alpha Beta to pick up some groceries. , "Let's see, what do I need?'M say to myself. j "You need groceries, dummy," the crawler answers. "I'm talking to myself, now be quiet,". I tell the little varmint. "Wash the car," the voice says. "I'll do that after Alpha Beta." "Go to Sneakers," he says. "Later." "Go to the Claimjumper." , "Later!" "Pay the utility bill," he says. "After I wash the car!" "Your keys are in the ignition." "Of course the keys are in the ignition, I'm still driving!" After Alpha Beta, I start towards Main Street to the post office. "You did not wash the car," the crawler says. "Be quiet," I respond, noticing the person in the car next to me staring at me. "You're out of order," the obnoxious little thing says. "I'm going to the post office." "Take the belt route," he says. "I'm not taking any belt route! Now shut up!" "Your fuel is low." "I'll get gas this afternoon." "You need a quart of oil." "Shut up!" "Your rear stereo speaker vibrates." "Don't you think I know that? " "Your keys are in the ignition." After the post office, I drive home and park the car in the garage. As I close the garage door I hear the engine crawler say, "Your lights are on." "Goodbye," I yell, and slam the door shut. "Goodbye." As I walk up Main Street I hear the Ten O'Clock Whistle. |