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Show agil ':I2dmnw yj!isCm t$&ttW by Hick Brough t a imillliaiMBMMlllBBBMBaBBiiaBBBilM. JFM HMMHMillllPMIinPII lf Watch for the hidden menace of Thanksgiving This is not a pretty story, but it must be told. In 1975, at the southernmost tip of South America, an Argentinian geneticist geneti-cist carried out a drastic experiment in animal husbandry. He took specimens of the North American wild turkey, and cross-bred them with the largest, most savage examples of the South American Ameri-can condor. His noble purpose was to feed the world's starving millions. He believed a larger turkey could provide more servings, at a greater nutritional value. But the experiment went awry. A flock of the pugnacious poultry broke loose from the isolated laboratory in the Pampas. (The scientist and his staff, a bloody mess, were found months later.) The birds worked their way up the continent, breeding and increasing their number over the Andes, through the jungles of the Amazon river, up the Central American isthmus, where both sides in hard-fought civil wars shuddered shud-dered to hear them mentioned, finally, to Mexico, where they obtained phony "green" cards and posed as crop pickers on the Rio Grande. Scientists believe that this year, in 1983, the killer turkeys will finally cross into the United States. With their blood-curdling cries of "gobble! gobble! gobble!" the turkeys are capable of stripping a human body down to the bone in three minutes. They're also very quick at ripping off hubcaps and accessories from most mid-sized to large American cars. It's at this time of year they are most dangerous. Younger, smaller members mem-bers of the flock pose as giant Norbest turkeys, infiltrating grocery store meat departments. (They can only be detected by their swastikaed wing-bands wing-bands and their tendency to salute when German military music is played.) Unsuspecting housewives stick the turkeys in the oven overnight not knowing that while their families sleep these Trojan birds sneak away to open up the houses to the others, waiting outside. ,., :-(! -!; No defense can be found against the perilous poultry. Some observers hope that, like the PLO, they could very well split into gobbling factions over ideology. (While most of the birds like mashed potatoes, a strong dissident faction prefers stuffing.) Be alert before it's too late for you and yours. Don't let them carve up America! After all the work she put into it, it turns out that Lady Snowflaker herself, Tina Lewis, missed most of the party. She traveled down to the Sale Lake Airport Saturday night to pick up daughter Jennifer. After a long wait for the plane, she fought her way back up the canyon, against the snow. By the time she got home, it was midnight. Speaking as one who also missed the soiree we shoulda been there ! Now that's tradition! In the little north England town of Ripon, someone has been delegated to blow an ox horn every night in the town square for 1,097 years. According to an Associated Press story, the nightly ceremony at 9 p.m. is a big tourist attraction. Town legend says Alfred the Great instituted the practice in the year 886 and it served in early times as a curfew. In recent years, the horn-blower has been an expatriate. American named Joel Barstow. Every night precisely at 9, he lets out a 15-second blast from the horn. And his home is filled with clocks set for 8:30 p.m. so he doesn't miss a day. The town of Ripon puts us to shame. Here in Park City, we can't even keep a furshlugginer 10 o'clock whistle going for 50 years! David Fleisher may have to move to England and end his columns with, "As I walk up Main Street, I hear the 9 o'clock Ox Horn." . Enlightened minds dept.: In Salt Lake, a man told county commissioners commission-ers they should plan well for the future, since Salt Lake will become the headquarters of the United States of the World. Lester J. Nielsen, speaking at a commission meeting, said this would take place by 1985. He promised to send more information to officials, said the Deseret News article. Meanwhile, the adventures of Huckleberry Huck-leberry Flynt continue. In Los Angeles, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has been held in contempt of court for refusing to reveal the sources of his purported tape on John DeLorean's dealings with y government informants. He has been 1 given three fines of $10,000 each which he pays in $1 bills. Last week, he fell asleep in the courthouse while counting out the fine dressed in an American-flag diaper, combat helmet, and a bulletproof bullet-proof vest with Purple Heart. He was arrested for defiling the flag. Local jurists may need hard drugs to survive Flynt's antics. Training for medical students is similar to that used for members of religious cults. That was the conclusion of Dr. Michelle Harrison, who spoke at the University of Utah Women's Health Conference. She said that med students, like cultists, start out with high ideals and a group identity. The students become isolated from family and support systems, and go through sleep deprivation in their training, just like Moonies. We asked Dr. Bruce Dooley about this. "That's ridiculous," he said. Dooley then excused himself to perform a mass wedding for 35 couples. We also confirmed this watching Dooley deliver EMT training in the Memorial Building. Inside, everything looks normal. Students practice the Heimlich maneuver man-euver while chanting, "Hare Rama, Dooley Rama, Drishna Krishna, Krishna Krish-na Dooley." We haven't heard of any young children traumatized by the destruction destruc-tion shown on "The Day After." But San Francisco news columnist Herb Caen reports local TV station KGO managed to freak out some young kids. The station is publicizing a news series about the alleged spying activities of the local Soviet consulate. They have been running spots showing Santa blasted by a Russian missile. As a result, the station has been flooded with calls from irate mothers. One more column before Thanksgiving, Thanksgiv-ing, and we still can't get away from food items. Two more : At a press conference, President Reagan was asked if he was upset by the U.N.'s condemnation of the Grenada invasion. Reagan replied that since many U.N. members hardly ever support the U.S., "it didn't upset my breakfast at all." The conscientious UPI news service reported the undisturbed breakfast included grapefruit juice, a poached egg; strawberries, bananas, and cof-r'ifee,') cof-r'ifee,') dim. smiki !'.. -i i B) Musicians of the Utah Symphony recently held their annual zucchini contest. The zucchini entries made political, aesthetic or artistic statements, state-ments, according to the Symphony's newsletter. Entries included the Zuch-elphone Zuch-elphone and the Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Zucchini. There! We won't have any more food items in this column! |