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Show McGoofey's First Reader and Eclectic Primer -Edited by H. I. PTTTT T II Ka): if THE STORY OF HILDA 1 Hilda came from an old New England family. 2 Her ancestors were all Purl-tans. Purl-tans. 3 There wasn't an Immodest or bizarre note In a carload. 4 She was raised In one of those sheltered homes where long red flannel petticoats are still considered consid-ered swelligant and where the women wom-en folk still go In for the bustle in a big way. 5 Her parents made her go around with her hair down her back until she was sixteen years old. They thought It was cute. G She went through school with her skirts down to her ankles, wore heavy cotton hose and slept In woolen nighties. 7 Her folks said she was the picture of Grandmother Agatha and they wanted her to be like her. Grandmother Agatha was a woman campaigner against smoking, frivolity frivol-ity and Immodesty in dress. She thought a woman who went In bathing bath-ing without stockings and a straw hat was a hussy. 8 When home from school, all Hilda heard was long parental talks on the maidenly virtues. Modesty was especially emphasized. 9 She wasn't allowed to go to the pictures and never went to a bathing beach unchaperoned. She was told that the modern bathing girl was scandalous. ' 10 It was pretty tough. 11 Ultimately Hilda revolted. She ran away to the city. 12 When her parents next heard from her she was doing very nicely In a chosen career. 13 She had become a designer of smart one-piece bathing suits for young women and chairlady of a nudity cult. MORAL You can over-emphasize anything. GENERAL INFORMATION TEST Fill In the blank spaces with the proper word : The largest river In the United States Is the The capital of new York Is There are days in a week. The first name of Jolson, the comedian, is Ex-Kaiser Wllhelm was former ruler of The last name of an actor whose first name Is Charlie and who is famed for his custard pie throwing throw-ing Is Puppies The puppy Is a lovely pet, A fact quite widely known, But I would rather have one when It gets more fully grown. ! i This is Am- "iNUfV""" brose. He looks I t pretty worn. I" f?? Didn't Am-' Am-' . ' 1 brose always .i "s'f look like that7 $5W i- in v e r y good XiiA, 1 shape Inst sum- !! aW Has Ambrose lost weight or sumpln? He must have dropped 00 pounds since fall. What caused Ambrose to drop so much weight? Leaves. What kind of lomes? Tree loaves. What have tree leaves got to do with Ambrose's dropping weight? If you lived In the suburbs you wouldn't ask such silly questions. Again I ask you, what have tree leaves got to do with a loss of weight by Ambrose? Ambrose lias one of those little homos with lots of nice big trees all around the place. What of It? Well, In the fall they begin shedding, shed-ding, if you know what I mean. Shedding what? Shedding their summer garments. (Leaves, to you, you big stupid I) What of It? Ambrose, being conscientious about keeping the premises nice and neat, has to rake them up. How often? About once a day, but It seems like every fifteen minutes. Is this a hard Job? Try it and be convinced. Ambrose Am-brose no sooner rakes 'em nil no and piles them in the street and burns them, than the sidewalk and grounds are all covered again. Ain't nature grand? No, you Idiot I CURIOUS FACTS FOR CURIOUS PEOPLE The most frequently asked question ques-tion in America is, "Gotta match?" In British Guiana there Is a barber bar-ber who does not suggest any scalp treatments. The native American eel will not eat hay or oats. Nine out of ten lead-pencil sharpeners sharp-eners are out of order. A good way to prevent an electric elec-tric fan from blowing the papers off your desk Is to turn the desk upside down. Hay fever cannot be cured by sleeping In a field full of goldenrod. Franklin Delano Roosevelt's middle mid-dle name is Delano. A blotter will make an excellent porous plaster If you smear one side with paste and apply it to the back. Iiuggy-whip making has declined heavily in the past two decades. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE SENTENCES? The young girl at the vacation resort refused to meet the young man when she heard he had money. 'Don't mention the advertiser," the radio announcer was Instructed. Instruct-ed. "Just give 'em the program." "Pardon me," said the taxicab driver, after his car had been struck by a careless motorist The man who had said he would never go into the stock market again never went Into It again. "Never mind the musical program," pro-gram," said the radio fan. "All I want to hear Is the announcer." The specialist looked the patient over and did not recommend removal re-moval of tonsils. The American voter refused to cast his ballot until he had weighed all the issues carefully and studied the speeches of each candidate. The business manager, Interrupt ed Dy tne omce Doy wno naa come In to demand a raise and shorter hours, smiled cheerily and granted both requests at once. The commuter made a complete round trip In a smoking car without with-out asking anybody to play bridge. ALL ABOUT EMIL Emll was born of the most conservative con-servative people. You could go through the entire family history without encountering encounter-ing a man who had ever thrown caution to the winds. His father was a grade-crossing watchman on an abandoned railroad. rail-road. His mother was a pioneer In the movement to make breathing through the nose compulsory. Rashness was a thing unheard of In the family. Emil's folks not only looked before be-fore they leaped, but they awaited editorial advice from the newspapers. newspa-pers. As a child he was never allowed a pair of skates because of a possible pos-sible excursion onto thin ice. He was never allowed to have a sled because of the possibility he might fall olf and get snow In his ears. In the winter months his parents kept him Indoors most of the time. They even made him sleep In a room with the windows closed. Mother made him wear rubbers when It looked like rain and he was the only boy In the neighborhood who was spanked If he went to school without an umbrella. They taught him never to take chances, especially In the winter time. Emll became so delicate that he could contract a hard cold through forgetting to button up his overcoat over-coat while passing an Ice wagon. But he ultimately rebelled and fled the domicile. The folks didn't hear anything from him for a long time. Then by chance they happened to see his picture In the rotogravure sections. He had become one of the most daring ski Junipers in the Swiss Alps. MORAL Ton can overdo anything. |