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Show A5 Castle Valley Review, April 2009 The LIGHTER SIDE Dazed The Battle Against the 'Blob' James L. Davis It comes as a great deal of relief to finally realize that I do not have phantom voices whispering inside my skull. They aren’t phantoms at all and they aren’t whispering. They are the voices of my own fat cells and they are screaming at my brain. What they normally scream is, “Ice cream! Eat more ice cream!” I am glad to understand that because for a time there I was seriously starting to worry about by own state of mind. Now I realize that my body has in fact become a war zone. On one side of the battle there is the me I see in my mind’s eye. He’s a pretty active guy, slim, muscular and athletic. On the other side there is the Blob, the body fat that pound by pound, sedentary moment after sedentary moment, has taken over my life. And the Blob is alive, alive and far more cunning than I had ever realized. For every commitment that I make to get myself moving again, to eat and live right, the Blob has a response. If I decide to go lift some weights the Blob will convince me that lifting weights at 8 p.m. is probably not very good for me. I’ve had a long day and I should probably take a load off and start over tomorrow. The Blob’s theme song is Tomorrow from the musical Annie, “Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love you Tomorrow.” Nine times out of 10 I fall for the tomorrow song and the Blob grows a little stronger. I realized all of this while sitting in my recliner, eating ice cream and watching the Biggest Loser. I don’t know why News of the Weird Chuck Shepherd Lead Story Canadian filmmaker Rob Spence said recently that he would install a prosthetic eye with a camera and wireless transmitter (of the size now used for colonoscopies) into the socket from which one of his eyes had been removed as the result of a childhood accident. He hopes to control the prosthetic eye in the same way that his muscles control his good eye, to record what his eyes see, and his first project will be a documentary on people's attitudes about privacy in an "Orwellian society." "(T)he best way to make a connection (with an interviewee) is through eye contact," he said. "When you bring in a camera, people change." Government in Action -- Artist Beth Grossman created her wall exhibit, "Seats of Power," to encourage citizens to greater activism in local affairs around Brisbane, Calif. (just south of San Francisco Bay). The "Seats" are upholstered cushions individually tailored with the buttprints of each of the 10 city council members, who allowed Grossman to photograph them from behind, clothed, through a sheet of Plexiglas pressed against their posteriors to simulate being seated. All 10 cooperated, including Mayor Sepi Richardson, who said she had been considering her "legacy" lately, "but I never thought it would be my butt." -- Small-Town Politics: (1) Resident Tony Randall of Ashland, N.H. (pop., 2,000), a surveyor by trade who was elected chief of the town's 12-member police force in March, promised he would know more about his job by September, when he will finish police academy training. (2) The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that a March meeting of the Medina, Ohio, City Council required a recess when all members I enjoy eating ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser, but I do. It’s my comfort food and watching skinny, athletic people scream at fat people to work harder makes me uncomfortable, so I eat ice cream. I tried working out while watching the Biggest Loser once and let me tell you it was not nearly as enjoyable a show to watch as it is when you eat ice cream. For a while there I didn’t let it really bother me, but that was because I had the Blob in charge of my self image and having the Blob in charge of your self image is the equivalent of having Baghdad Bob as a spokesperson. “There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad!” Iraq’s information minister, Mohammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, boldy proclaimed in 2003. Meanwhile, explosions rock the city behind him as American tanks rumble down the street. The Blob would do much the same as I looked in the mirror each morning. “You look wonderful!” “Wonderful? I look like I’ve swallowed a pillow and two 4-wheeler tires.” “Nonsense! You don’t look that bad. You’ve put on a little weight, but you’re getting older.” So I would put on one of my favorite shirts and then I looked like some guy who had swallowed a pillow and two 4-wheeler tires wearing someone else’s shirt. “You shouldn’t dry your shirts,” the Blob would respond. “Drying your shirts makes them shrink. That’s why it doesn’t fit right. How about a bowl of ice cream? Wouldn’t that make you feel better?” But finally I realized that I basically had two choices. Either I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe and perhaps install a few of those funhouse mirrors in my house to keep the fantasy alive, or I had to get to work and fight back against the Blob. So it’s time to start fighting back, but the Blob has been in control for a few years now, so the fight is going to be an ugly one. I realized it was going to be a struggle to get going again when I sat down and came up with an exercise plan that consisted of free weights, jogging and bicycling and some serious torture stretches my daughter happily volunteered to put me through. With my plan in place the Blob had a thing or two to say about my ideas. “You’re going to go jogging?” The Blob asked. “Yes, I’m going to start jogging.” The plan is to get up to five miles a day and run in the Orangeville Dash 5K Fun Run in June. That’s my goal; to run in the Orangeville Dash and to not come in last place. Second to last place would be OK, but not last place. “Well, don’t you think you need to lose some weight before you go jogging in public? It will be embarrassing.” “You want me to get in shape before I try and get in shape? You said I didn’t look that bad.” “Well, yes, but I didn’t want to make you feel bad. You’re a mess. You’d definitely better lose some weight before you try working out like that.” The amazing thing is that for some reason that made perfect sense to me. engaged in serial giggling over one person's flatulence. (3) Mayor Jerry Oberholtzer of Snellville, Ga., involved in a recent feud with an aggressive city council member, called on police chief Roy Whitehead to escort him to the men's room at City Hall for his safety. -- The U.S. Food and Drug Administration, with the impossible task of "regulating" 18,000 makers of drug devices (and thousands of other companies and enforcing 123 new federal laws since 1988), has had virtually no increase in staff in 15 years. It's little wonder, then, that the AM2PAT company of Angier, N.C., was not caught before bacteria in its pre-filled syringes were linked to five deaths and hundreds of illnesses in December 2007. Subsequently inspected, AM2PAT's saline and heparin syringes were found to contain "debris" and "sediment" and to be "muddy" and "dingy brown" in color. Furthermore, according to a February report in the Raleigh News & Observer, the required "clean (air) room" was found to be just a room with a fan, and the company's "chief microbiologist" was revealed to be a teenager who had dropped out of high school. The company's owner has fled to his native India to avoid prosecution. tucky's statute requires anyone licensed as a first responder to disasters to take an oath against dueling ("I, being a citizen of this state, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons ... nor have I sent or accepted a challenge (to duel), nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge (to duel), so help me God"). Another provision requires the state Homeland Security Office's executive director to "publicize" a legislative finding that "reliance upon Almighty God" is necessary to homeland security. The Homeland Is Secure -- The U.S. Transportation Security Administration ruled in January that a post9-11 federal maritime law, which requires comprehensive background credentials for mariners holding U.S. Coast Guard authorization on U.S. waters, applies even to the two "mule skinners" who work, in tourist season, dressed in colonial costumes at the Hugh Moore Historical Park in Easton, Pa. The park's lone mule-pulled boat is operated in a 2-mile-long canal that is near nothing of strategic significance, said the park director. -- In addition to addressing the usual state homeland-security concerns, Ken- Police Blotter -- Police were called to the Aliso (Calif.) Town Center on March 15 after a woman telephoned 911 to report being attacked near the center's fountain by another woman, who had flung her dog's feces at her and her infant. The flinger was said to be upset about complaints from passersby about the enema she was giving her dog in public. -- Names in the News: Charged in Albuquerque in February with giving her daughter marijuana: Ms. Jodi Weed. The victim of a January beating by her middle school classmates in Tampa (for the obvious reason): Miss Special Harris. Charged with arson and destruction of property in Charleston, W.Va., in March: Mr. J. Edgar Hoover. Charged with prostitution in Tampa in February: Ms. Ho Suk Kim. Fine Points of the Law The British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal agreed in February to hear the charge brought by Roxanne Stevenson that she was turned down illegally for a clerk's job by the city of Kelowna because she smokes. "Smoking," itself, is not covered by the law, and a city official said Stevenson frequently used sick leave at a previous job and that, during her interview, she "reeked" of smoke and coughed constantly. Lawyers interviewed by the Vancouver Sun said, however, that employers cannot discrimi- |
