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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, September 30, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path SLICE OF LIFE D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE Strange Beds Oversized Produce James L. Davis I have come to the conclusion that my life would be infinitely better if I did not have to ever sleep in any bed other than my own. I realized that my life would be better if I slept only in my own bed because this past weekend I slept in someone else’s bed and it was nowhere near as satisfying. That could have something to do with the fact that it wasn’t entirely a bed, either. It was, in fact, an inflatable mattress, which means it is a cross between a bed and a torture device. My family went to visit our son and his family and when it came to sleeping arrangements, my wife and I were resolute in our declaration that we would not, under any circumstances, allow our son and his wife give up their bed to us for the night, as they had planned on doing. We were determined not to take their bed because, basically, we are stupid. But because we are not only stupid but also the elders, we got our way and slept on an air mattress. Air mattresses are far more dangerous to your good health than even a hotel mattress because air mattresses lull you into believing that they are comfortable, and air mattresses never have been and probably never will be comfortable. But I was under the impression that my body in some way still had some elasticity to it, so I was sure that I could adjust to sleeping on pretty much anything. After all, sleeping is a hobby of mine. I am rather good at sleeping and have been known to do it at the drop of a hat. Surrendering to our demand to be uncomfortable, our son and his wife set up an air mattress in the spare bedroom and wrestled a pair of sheets onto it. Our two younger children took air mattresses into the living room and we all said our goodnights and went off to our inflatable beds with nary a care in the world. We were doomed, of course. After carefully climbing onto the mattress I stretched out with my wife beside me and felt the click, click, click of my back conforming to the roller coaster curves in the mattress (apparently some of the air in an air mattress is denser than other air in the mattress). After waiting to see if all of the disks would click safely into place, I turned my head to look at my beautiful wife and said, “well, this isn’t too bad,” to which my wife said “hmm hmph hmm hmm,” because I outweigh my wife by 100 pounds and the fact that I was laying beside her caused a huge valley in the air mattress that she had fallen into, resulting in her face becoming imbedded in my armpit. After climbing out of the mattress valley and using my chest as a pillow she agreed that the mattress was not too uncomfortable and that we might actually survive the night. But, of course, the night was young. As I said before, sleeping is a hobby of mine, so I nodded off without too much trouble at all. But the problem with my ability to sleep is my equally powerful ability to wake up. I can sleep soundly through anything for about half an hour and then my eyes open and will not close again until I find something to stress about. Laying on an air mattress with my wife smashed against might right side the subject I came up with to stress about was the fact that I needed to use the restroom. The reason that I stressed about that was because I was not entirely sure I could get up off the air mattress without waking my wife, or even worse, creating an air current within the air mattress that would fling her across the room. Not wanting to wake my wife or cause her bodily harm, I slowly started to reposition my body in an attempt to slide off of the air mattress. I started with my left foot and worked my way up from there until I had the entire left side of my body off of the mattress and then I slowly worked my right side off of the mattress and was able to do so without creating a dangerous air wave. Upon returning from the restroom things did not go quite as planned. That is because some idiot had left his sneakers in the middle of the floor. I was that idiot. I tripped over the sneakers and while I did not fall to the floor, I did lose enough of my balance that I came crashing to my knees on the corner of the air mattress. It was somewhat interesting to watch the air mattress adjust to the sudden pressure of my body on its inflated surface and how my body displaced the air within the mattress. It was even more interesting to see how the air within the mattress swelled toward my wife and how her body followed the curvature of the mattress perfectly as it swelled and then threw her off the side and onto the floor. I was able to lie back down on the mattress just before she realized that she was now on the floor. She climbed back onto the air mattress. “What happened?” I asked as innocently as I could. “Hmm hmph hmm,” she said as her face pressed into my underarm. At some point we went back to sleep and when morning dawned we were able to climb out of bed with the assistance of our children. They had slept much better than we had. Their air mattresses had deflated during the course of the night. Kenneth Cox grows a huge, beautiful garden each year – he grows it so he can give most of it away to friends and neighbors and they are much appreciative of the produce. This year he grew a huge turnip that weighed 7 pounds and two others that were 4 pounds. He also has giant pumpkins and cucumbers. His secret, “I just plant them,” he said with a grin. Photo by Kathy Ockey NEWS OF THE WEIRD Chuck Shepherd Lead Story Angela Pusateri, 79, may be unconventional, but, according to Jenna, 13, “She really is a cool grandmother.” The Hallandale Beach, Fla., woman is a rap-music singer with a new CD (“Who’s Your Granny?”) and occasional playdates, where she shows up in hockey jersey, jewels, sunglasses and baseball cap. Sample rap: “I can bring the noise better than P-Diddy / I am older and wiser, I ain’t a disguiser / I am condo commando in a high-riser, Who’s your granny?” Also, “Move over, Trick-Daddy, ‘cause this is my town / I gotta shuffleboard posse and we’re known to get down.” Actually, conceded Jenna to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel in September, “Sometimes it’s embarrassing.” Cultural Diversity -- “In many ways,” reported the Los Angeles Times in August, the Torajans of Indonesia’s Sulawesi Island “spend a lifetime preparing for their demise,” in that the most glorious highlight of their existence appears to be planning the elaborate celebration of the end of it. In fact, taking one’s last breath is only the beginning of a lengthy tribute, such as the one for Toraja’s last king, who died in 2003 but has not been put away yet, pending completion of the necessary ritual animal sacrifices. (In the interim, the deceased is considered more “sick” than “dead.”) Said one local (“cheerfully,” according to the Times), “Torajans! (We) live to die!” -- About 250,000 women in the southern India states of Karnataka and Maharashtra are self-described “elite” sex workers whose impoverished, or devoutly pious, parents “dedicated” them as children to the Hindu goddess Yellamma, according to an August dispatch in The New Yorker. Despite the state’s outlawing the practice in 1982, the women’s fate as “devadasis” remains an attractive alternative to ordinary marriage (which would usually be to poor and abusive men) and provides a degree of status, The Duplex in that they dress nicely and can inherit family property, while street prostitutes cannot. However, devadasis still fall victim to the region’s rampant HIV rate. -- Castrillo de Murcia, Spain, lacks a “running of the bulls” tradition, but since 1620, it has included in its annual El Colacho festival a “leaping over the babies.” In late May, the town’s infants are laid on mattresses in the village square, and people in red-and-yellow devil costumes jump over them and keep running, to symbolize the vanquishing of demons from their lives. Latest Religious Messages Toward a More Accessible Anglican Church: (1) In August, Birmingham Cathedral announced plans to open a series of wine bars in London, as (according to an official) one of the “alternative ways” of engaging non-church-goers. (2) The new church curate in Dursley, Gloustershire, is Rev. Skye Denno, 29, a married mother of two, whose down time is spent in biker boots, hot pants, a dog collar and her six piercings, listening to the Sex Pistols. Said she, “I don’t do it to be difficult. (I) think it makes me more approachable.” The Continuing Crisis -- The Nebraska legislature’s new “safe haven” law for unwanted babies, like other states’ laws, allows them to be dropped off anonymously at hospitals to discourage abortions (and neglect by unfit parents). However, unlike other states’ laws, Nebraska’s applies not just to infants, but “minors,” because, said Sen. Tom White, “All children deserve our protection.” In September, the first two noninfants were abandoned, as exasperated parents gave up on rebellious sons aged 11 and 15, and critics say the law could apply to those up to age 19. -- In August, the U.S. Department of Transportation unveiled new rules for train and bus drivers returning to work from drug-use suspensions. They must now be tested first by a strip search to detect devices for cheating (such as artificial penises), and if none is found, they may re-dress themselves, but a monitor must still “directly watch the urine as it goes from the employee’s body into the collection container.” Not surprisingly, several unions have challenged the rule in court. -- In July, Abbie Hawkins, 19, a hotel receptionist in Norwich, England, said she found a baby bat nestled inside the padded bra she had been wearing for several hours. “When I was driving to work, I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket,” she told the Daily Telegraph. Hawkins had fetched the bra off of a clothesline that morning, where it had been hanging overnight. First reaction: “I thought how mean I was for disturbing it.” Fine Points of the Law Joey Bergamine, 19, who is preparing for a re-trial in Fayetteville, N.C., on a DUI charge stemming from a July 2007 incident, will argue that he should have been advised of his right to have a lawyer present when his father kicked open his bedroom door hours after the incident to help police officers who had come to question him. Joey’s father is the police chief of Fayetteville, and Joey’s lawyer said entering a locked room, as well as the subsequent interrogation, constituted “police” action and not “parental” action, and since his dad failed to “Mirandize” him, the charge should be dismissed. The Weirdo-American Community Barbie’s Not Just a Girls’ Obsession: (1) Robert Martin, 47, was arrested in Cape May, N.J., in July after a State Police officer spotted an array of pornographic magazines in his car in a public parking lot, along with a serving platter resting on his dashboard, piled with women’s underwear, and a collection of naked Barbie dolls lined up on the seat. (2) Christopher Sullivan, 43, was arrested in Oshkosh, Wis., in August as the person who allegedly sent his upstairs neighbors threatening packages, including a Polaroid photo of three naked Barbie dolls with their heads cut off. He told police he was angry that the couple were too loud when they had sex. Recurring Themes -- Least Competent Criminals: (1) Michael Mahoney, 25, is the most recent rapist (according to police in Somerville, Mass.) to believe he is such hot stuff that he gave his phone number to the victim, certain that he had charmed her into wanting to keep seeing him. Police quickly arrested him in July at home, where he lives with his parents. (2) In July, convicted sexual molester Donald Fox, 62, of Frederick, Md., became the most recent convict to challenge the unfairness of his sentence (40 years in prison) and then have the appeals court agree it was unfair, except because it was too short (he’s now serving 80 years). -- More Ways to Consume That Heavenly Food: The fourth annual Big Tex Choice award for best taste this year (at a precursor event to September’s Texas State Fair) went to Glen Kusak’s chicken fried bacon. Earlier this summer, fourth-generation candymaker Joseph Marini III introduced chocolate-covered bacon bon-bons at his stand on California’s Santa Cruz Boardwalk. For the more sophisticated, restaurateur Don Yovicsin of Waltham, Mass., serves bacon-infused Absolut vodka (allowed to sit for four weeks’ time and then filtered of the bits) (and for a Bacon Bloody Mary, add mix, a lime wedge, “barbecue rub” and a Slim Jim). Undignified Deaths (1) A 21-year-old man fishing off Jones Beach on New York’s Long Island in July was killed when he yanked his line back too quickly, propelling his 3-ounce lead sinker out of the water, where it struck his head and penetrated his brain. (2) A 32-year-old man lounging beside a pool in Leland, N.C., in August was killed when a burst of wind dislodged a canopy umbrella, thrusting the tip into his skull. (3) A 79-year-old motorist watching a crane lift a steeple onto a new church in Oklahoma City in July was killed when the crane toppled over and crushed his car. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |
