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Show 36 THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE / / Rivalry Guide November 2009 Online feuds give best view of rivalry ith two in-state teams ranked in the BCS, and another possible BCS-buster --r'in the Mountain West Conference, there is one prominent question on . everyone's mind: "Who cares?" The answer, of course, is the fans. Fans are what make sports what they are. Fans are the driving influence behind a team and its relentless desire to win. Fans supply the undying cheers that give grown men the confidence to dance around like idiots when their team scores. But what is a fan? Fan (fan'), noun- The word fan is commonly thought to be based off the word fanatic, literally meaning "an insane person." Fanatic comes from the Latin word fanaticus, which means "insanely but divinely inspired," which would be the U and BYU, respectively. In Britain it was first used as "fancy," referring mostly to boxing fans, as in, "I am such a boxing fancy." BYU and the U are notorious for their fancies. BYU fans are famous for their belief that God wants their team to win (it's somewhere in Deuteronomy). Male U fans are famous for drooling, grunting and dragging their females around by the hair. This eternal struggle is visible all around us—but nowhere more so than the comment boards on ksl.com. ' °" For those of you who are not familiar with the comment boards on KSL's website, they are the gathering place for anyone who cannot type o* spell and has a desire to say unintelligible things. After careful research, it is apparent that some of these comments have superior literary merit and deserve to be broadcast to a wider audience. Therefore, for your consideration, here are the most inspiring things said by BYU and U fans: W s p i d e y _ 1 2 3 How can the Utes be up in the polls after squeaking by against Wyoming? n o t l a w d How can Spidey be " • ^ posting after 9pm on a school night? Fully Invested The very same stereotypes you throw at BYU fans can also be thrown at Utah fans. Your coach is arrogant, your fans are obnoxious, crude, loud mouthed, and on top of that, they have very little -^knowledge of the game of football. BYU fans who compare scores drive me crazy, but not as crazy as Utah fans who call them out for it and then do it themselves the next week. Yep, MIKE SCHREINER BYU Junior, International Relations that pretty much sums up the Ute faithful. notlawd I love it, the only way BYU can move up the polls is to not play, rofl." (For those readers not hip enough to know what "rofl" means, it is an acronym meaning "Disregard what I say, because my IQ_is below vegetable level. And yes, notlawd did post from 2 p.m. until after io p.m. that day. I simply do not have words for that. Except that 20 bucks says he is 30 years old and his mom made him dinner that night.) a s t i g You Ute homers are all ridiculous. Utah should be ranked number 9 because they suck and I don't have any proof BYU is better than Utah and the proof is in the games they have already played. You'U have a rude awakening in a few weeks. C h a d J . All u byu fans thinking u can still beat Utah with those 30 yr olds on your team that cant run for anything. Speed kills and Utah has alot of it that is what killed them vs tcu.. byu cannot keep pace if max hall is behind or being blitzed he looks like a deer in the headlights i much rather have cain or wynn as my qb... (Seriously though, let's cut Chad a break—his shift key is broken- And his spell check. And his punctuation key.) D r y f o r k BYU has been overrated this year. But so has Utah. SO it really does not matter where they stand now. What matters is when they play. C h i c k e n Little It's like the difference between a BYU fan and Utah fan. Nobody can tell them apart except. .. on Saturday or Sunday when they are in uniform. Well said, everyone. We could go on for days through these enlightening posts, but common decency prohibits me. As we look forward to Saturday, let us remember the wise words of these sages. And remember, half the state must "shut up" on that day. I'm saying it will be the northern half—BYU 31, Utah 2L But what do I know? RofL letters@chronicle.utah.edu ily UtatiOifonklt CONDOMS continued from Page 34 with a deft uscof 10-year-old video cassettes, my health teacher ensured I would be too terrified to ever try cocaine or give birth: "OK, so far so good...oh...oh...OK...that's not so bad...oh...wait...what thc.what are they..AAAAH! AAAH! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER!? AAAAHHH!" Meanwhile, my knowledge of condoms remained undeveloped: Craig: So, what about condoms? Health teacher: What's that, Craig? You want to watch the STD video again? OK, I'll just put it up on the big screen... Craig: No, pleasel I'll be good. That's not to say I've had no experience with condoms. In fact, more than once I've used them to decorate the car at wedding receptions. Unfortunately, that wasn't included in any of Trojan's 13 rating categories, which included silly things such as "student opinion of health center" and whether condoms and contraceptives were available on campus. Well, that's the problem right there. TVojan completely overlooked some crucial criteria that both U and BYU students can relate to: 1. Number of students who have wrapped a rear-view mirror in an extra-large condom. 2. Survey of student body to see who can sing a song about abstinence that was learned in high school. 3. Availability of SpoonMe frozen yogurt parlors. 4. Percentage -of male students who enjoy watching "While You Were Sleeping." 5. Frequency of boys asking girls on dates by leaving a cute puzzle on their porch (BYU takes the lead!). Seriously, what was Trojan thinking? In the meantime, the U and BYU can take solace in the fact that both schools totally wasted DePaul University, which was ranked last place at No. 141. Take that, DePaul! I guess this is just what you can expect when a balloon manufacturer tries to rate universities on sexual health. Plus, its balloons are totally crappy. We're No. 107! We're No. 107! We're No. 107! letters@ chronicle.utah.edu TROJAN REPORT CARD RATING CRITERIA 1 . Student opinion of health center 2. Health center hours of operation 3. Availability of patient drop-in vs. appointment 4. Availability of separate sexual awareness program 5. Contraceptive availability and cost 6. Condom availability and cost 7. HIV testing, cost and locality (on-vs. off-campus) 8. Other STI testing 9. Availability of anonymous advice 10. Existence of lecture/outreach programs 11. Existence of student peer groups 12. Availability of sexual assault programs 13. Website usability and functionality |