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Show WHO DOES WRITE THE JOKES? TJ ROOSEVELT HAY Principally tha Professional Funny Man, Which Easily Explains Their Sad Quality. Now are jokes made? The funny bone of the American people demands a thousand new pleasantries every day. The doctors say that our diaphragms must be tickled or we will die. llow can anybody sit down and deliberately make up jukes that will Leading Plank of Platform Adopted by Baltimore Con- vention. tickle us? The main source of newspaper Jokes Is tbe professional funny man. Tbe FAVORS funny man works In various ways. A crude beginner at the joke trade usually opens the dictionary at random and I begins to look for words to make puns on. He comes to the word horse. That reminds him of "horse sense.' Bo he frames the following little Johnny and teacher anecdote: Johnny," said the teacher, write a sentence using the words horse sense." Johnny wrote: One night pa forgot to lock the stable and be hasn't seen his horse sense. This Joke is duly published In the funny rolumn of the metropolitan paper. A magazine writer, seeing the story in a country paper, thinks it He steals It original and exclusive. and sells It to a weekly magazine of national circulation. From this magazine London editors grab the little jest and it Is now afloat on the wide ocean of English language and it probably will outlive the man who wrote It. Most of the anecdotes that All the ninny columns never happened In real life. They are the brain children ol some hired jester who dotes on anecdotes. There Is a pun, right there. The professional funny man would ponder that a minute, then perhaps produce a rhyme like this: Artie rhnkM on artfcliokeii And writhe about In piiin: But Auntie dole on antidote, And soon lie' well again. ALMTRANTicTwiTH ITCHING ECZEMA r Eight years ago I got eczema all over niy hands. My fingers fairly bled and It Itched until It almoat drove me with frantic. The eruption began Itching under the akin. It spread fast from between the Ungers around tbe naila and all over the whole hands. 1 got a pair of rubber glovea In order to wash dishes. Then it spread all over the left aide of my cheat. A fine doctor treated the trouble two weeks, but did me no good. 1 cried night and day. Then 1 decided to try Cutlcura Boap and Ointment but without much hope as I had gone bo long. There was a marked change the second day, and so on until I was entirely cured. The Cuticnra Soap we have always kept in our home, and we decided after that lesson that It Is a cheap soap In price and the very beat In quality. My husband will ubo no other soap In his shaving mug." (Signed) Mrs. (i. A. Selby, Redonda Beach, Cal.. Jan. 15, 1911. Although Cutlcura Soap and Ointment are sold by druggists and dealers everywhere, a sambook, will ple of each, with be mailed free on application to Cutlcura," Dept. L, Boston. e Lazy Exprescion. Slang and rutted phrases may be brilliantly used and so pass current legally. But for the moat part they are not brilliantly used. They serve chiefly the lazy mind and are a bore. One can, and very many ones do, shirk the thought process by the mode of ready Tit made and ezpresaiona. as easy as lying. More aptly, t!a at easy as swearing. And very much such a slovenly habit as swearing.' Very many who might, as early, apeak and write English well groove their mindc with slang and bad usage of the language until tbeir thoughts can hardly travel out except through tbe furrows. True Enough. Half the world don't know how they live themselves. Life. At the More Suitable. Devon horse show s mot of Miss Eleonora Bears was retailed. A very stout young woman, tbe story ran, asked Miss Sears' advice tbout her costume for a fancy dress ball. "I think of going ns Helen of Troy, Do you think It would she ended. suit me?" Miss Eleonora Sears, surveying the young woman's swelling contours with a faint smile, answered: "Helen of Troy or. pcrhnpa, don't you ttiluk. Helen of Avoirdupois would be betler? Seemed Strange to Her. Miss Mclcher in describing the commencement exercises of a certain medical college to Miss Bungler, snld thul she had felt quite awed when tbe Hippocratic oath was administered to the graduates. I should think you would have!" Miss Bungler exclaimed in Indignant surprise. A hypocrltlc oath! 1 never heard of that. Something new, I suppose. 1 shouldn't think any physician would want to bind himself to a thing like that! FIGHT ON TRUSTS Action of Republican Administration In Compromising With Standard OH and Tobacco Combines Condemned Views on Other Subjects. Following are tbe principal planks tbe platform adopted by tbe Democratic naiioual convention at Baltimore. The Tariff Reform. "We declare It to be a fundamental principle of tbe Democratic party that the federal government under tbe Constitution bus no right or power to Impose or collect tariff duties except for the purioee of revenue anil we demand that the collection of such taxes shall be limited to the necessities of government honestly and economically administered. The high Republican tariff Is the principal causo of the unequal distribution of wealth; it Is a system of taxation which makes the rb-- richer and tbe poor poorer; under its operations tbe American! farmer and laboring man are the chief sufferers; It raises the cost of the necessaries of life to them, but does not protect tbeir product or wages. "We favor the immediate downward revision of the existing high, and in many cases, prohibitive tariff duties, insisting that material reductions be speedily made upon the necessaries of life. Articles entering Into competition with trust controlled products and articles of America., manufacture where sold abroad more cheaply than at home could be put upon the free list. "We denounce tbe action of President Taft In vetoing tbe bills to reduce the tariff In the cotton, woolen, metals and chemicals schedules and tbe farmers free list bills, all of which was designed to give immediate relief to tbe masses from tbe exactions of the trusts. while Tbe party, Republican promising tariff revision, has shown by Its tariff legislation that such revision Is not to be in tbe people's Interests and having been faithless to its pledges of 1908 It should no longer enjoy tbe confidence cf the nation. High Cost of Living. "Tbe high cost of living Is a serious problem In every American home. The Republican party in its platform attempts to escape from responsibility for present conditions by denying that they are due to a proWe take issue with tective tariff. them on this subject and charge that excessive prices result in a large measure from the high tariff laws enacted uud maintained by the Republican party, aqd from trusts and commercial conspirators fostered and encouraged by such laws, and we assert thut no substantial relief can he secured for the people until Import duties on the necessaries of life are materially reduced, and those criminal conspiracies broken up. of Law. A private monopoly Is Indefensible and intolerable. We therefore faAnti-Tru- st vor tbe vigorous enforcement of the criminal as well as the civil law against trusts and trust officials, sail demand enactment of such additional to legislation as may be necessary make It Impossible for a private monopoly to exist In the United Plates. "We condemn the action of the Republican administration In compromising with the Standard Dll Company and the tobacco trust and its failure to invoke the criminal prolaw against visions of the anti-truthe officers of those corporations after the court had declared that from the undisputed facts in the record they had violated the criminal provisions of the law. "We regret that Sherman antitrust law has received a Judicial cons; ruction depriving It of much of Its efficacy, and we favor the enactment of legislation which will restore to the statute the strength of which It has been deprived by such Interpretation. Income Tax and Popular Election of Senators. "We congratulate the country uiwn the triumph of two important reforms demanded in the last national platform. namely, the amendment of the federal constitution authorizing an income tax and the amendment providing for the popular election of senators. and we call upon the people of all the states to rally to the support of the pending propositions and secure tbeir rutiflratinn. We note with gratification th uuanimous sentiment In favor of Hand Vacuum Cleaner. For use with a vacuum cleaner a Massachusetts woman has Invented n The Fire. anything be more refreshing through than the smell of the old fashioned glove, dust being drawn tubes Inserted in Its palm, while email wood lire In late au.spring or brushes are provided between the tumn? There Is something early In grimy fingers to smooth down the nap of any the reck of coal, and the odor of gas fabric which the suction raises. Modern Inventions Is nauseating. have brought their "runvenl-srees- " may Old to Custom. Keep hut a staid old srnnlor, who At the OHO year old Audletn church, lately passed beyond, Insisted thut Could England, (he curfew Is when he wnnted a real night of comregularly rung, nfier which the date of after the family had ail gone the month Is tolled, a survival of the fort, for south (he winter, he would Lie no almanacs existed. times when klmsclf home, build an In Cheshire, publicity before the election a measure peign contributions manded In our national platform oi 1908 and at that time opposed by the Republican party, and we commend the Democratic House of Representatives for extending the doctrine of publicity to recommendations, verbal and written, upon which presidential appointments nre made, to the ownership and control of newspapers and To the expenditures made by and in behalf of those wbo aspire to presidential nominations and we point for additional justification for this legislation to the enormous expenditures of money in behalf of the president and hia predecessor In the recent contest for the Republican nomination for president, Presidential Primaries. "The movement towards more popular government should he promoted through legislation In each state which will permit the expression of the preference of the electors for national candidates at presidential primaries. "We direct that the national committee incorporate In the call for the next nominating convention a requirement that all expressions of preference for presidential candidates shall be given and the selection of delegates and alternates he through a primary election conducted by Ihe party organization In each state where such expression and election are not provided for by state law. Term of President. "Wo favor a single 'residential terra, and to the end urge tne adoption of an amendment to the constitution making the president of the United States ineligible to and we pledge the candidate of this convention to this principle. Railroads, Express Companies.'TEiS? graph and Telephone Lines. We favor the efficient supervision and rate regulation of railroads, express companies, telegraph and telephone lines engaged In Interstate commerce. To this end we recommend the valuation of railroads, express companies, telegraph and telephone lines by the Interstate commerce commission, such valuation to take into consideration the physical value of the property, tbe original cost, the cost of reproduction, and any element of value that will render the valuation fair and just. Banking Legislation, "We oppose the Aldrich bill or the establishment of a central bank, and we believe ihe people of the country will be largely freed from panics and consequent and business depression by such a systematic revision of our banking laws aa will render temporary relief In localities where such relief is needed, with protection from ronirol or domination by what Is known aa the money trust. Parcels Post and Rural Delivery. We favor the establishment of a parcels post or postal express, and sIbo the extension of the rural delivery system as rapidly as AND Wanted to Know the Culprit. I'CW IT LOOKED. The following s:orv was told recently by Austin lb.iuts to a parly ot friends he eulciained at luncheon: "Down In a little Florida town two negro families liic iu shanties about a stone's throw ..part. They obtain their drinking water from a shiillow open well located midway betweeu houses. A fence which separates the two yards is built up to the well ou both sides. evening after her day's work It dune, it is the custom of one of the negro mammies to pick up buckets and go to the well (or water. One day the owner of the property moved the Itucc buck about ten feel from when- - it originally stood That evening when Eliza started out with her pall she fixed her eye on the fence and made straight for it. Walking hurriedly along the bent u path, she plunged Into the shallow well with a splash. Her screams brought imfls mediate assistance, and as site cn lullGladys The count suys Edii'i Is ed out and spied the fence t ii feet gold. J pure away sbe indignantly exclaimed: Jack That means nuother gold ship" 'Now. who done moved dat well?' " ment to Europe, 1 suppose. BRYAN BACK THIRD PARTY Judge Ben Lindsay of Denver Would Have Witaon and Johnson at Head of Progressive Ticket. tin-tw- Denver. Theodore Roosevelt will offer first ou the progressive ticket to Governor Wilson, should the latter not he uomlnaied at Baltimore. With Wilson will he Governor Johnson of California. This piograni, according tv Judge Ben B. I.imlsey, was mapped out at the confereuce of progressive leaders which followed the Chicago convention. "The third party movement hinges upon the outcome of the Balimore-conventiosaid Judge Lindsey Saturday nlglif "My Ideal ticket is foi Theodore Reotcvolt tu lead, hot it may be best to select some other candidate, then the ideal ticket would De Wilson and Johnson, wiiTi Theodore Roosevelt uud William Jennings Bryan lo support Ihe The Colorado progressive party wat incorporated Friday hv Judge Lindsay and associates to further the elect ior of Roosevelt, or some other progrot-slvelo the p .sidency. A call tot mass meeting lo elect delegates to a state Convection was issued Saturday. r- What Difference Did It Make. No Wife's Cooking for Them. Walking behind von e rulon-- girls, Mts. Ciiiiiaont'C.ik This paper soya homeward hound from school. In a Unit Indeed Is a wealthy Turk Missouri town oi.co upon u time, a seen rarely at his wife's dinner table. visitor overheard the Billowing unMr. Criinsonlrt-aYes, 1 linden-stanblushing and giggling, rich voiced and Tut live a the ks long Li an asrertion of iudividii- sparkling-eye"Yell, she , ality Irom one of lliem: U ukP laniiv uf ki p' me In, hut I dull know limy mo' ily! fur ihiN-- MilTcring with cmMiimnoii. ' 'bout Caesar now 'n f did ban'. Ail' ef she kep' mo In twel (iahriel When a man's conscience troubles Mows his horn 1 wudileii Know au' I him he thinks he lias indigestion wudden care. What dlffnnee it make to me wlmt ol' man Caesar done away and, li befo' de wuw!" Evening Post. . d " , FIFTY KILLED BY TORNADO. Business Blocks, Apartment Houses and Residences Wrecked by Storm at Saskatchewan, Canada. WtHilffg, Manitoba. Fifty lo 10C persons were killed and Hfl.nd,omi damage itniiu DJ a tornado wlTTTk struck Regina, Saskatchew an, Sunday afternoon. Several business lilorki apartment houses and residences were wreck'd. The storm struck Regina Need Care When Your p. m., filming from the south. xi.'ie-rut- f The Wretchedness of Constipation quickly be overcome by Eyes Can Keel Try Murine Ey Remedy. KoSiunmiig . Aim Try-IHilt lor Hnl, Wmk, CARTERS LITTLE Walfry Kve nU Urannlatetl Kyelul. Illu- - LIVER PILLS. BtMlk ,n eil,.h Pa,.knte- Murine u Mm- un,- - imi a ?urely vegetable lelue Iul lifted In Mivrt'fttful ltiyNUinN' I'w act surely and u fur tunny yum. now diiiinird to ihe run KritMft lio and w.tt by VruMlftiB Rt Sbc Mint gently on the kunue k m(v in amiiic Tuim,kkpr liver. Cure j : juh-kly- i j t biliousness at 4:3d frame Ini. dings were destroyed. Ti-a- lim-tli-- Many Dizzi- ness, and Indigestion. They do their duty. SMALL PILL, SMALL DOSE, SMALL PRK3L The Saskatchewan goveriiim-n- t tel eplione building was blown down and yelief gangs are working taking out the dead. Tha local telephone oflice was wreked and it Is feared that fifteen girls employed there were killed. The telephone building, the exchange Standard block, the Firt Baptist church and the llainl ami Bolt, I building are among the structures destroyed. Genuine must bear Signature A WONDERFUL DiSCGVERY. t til h mw of rtwircb end (ipFriwant, nil mUira UninKicknl by i hr ivalii itt fort brrouifort and iimn. Hrlrnot Inn IniUrai imult tfimilar nd in the mi Mi rviiiurjr, nnd among ilm-h- y im giro i mi linpoHNiit'-UiMoYir1r iu nieillrinelHllMiof Thera pint), wblrh lim brrn UMd with pn-H- t nwtm ja Vrrtira lliNtpltalu and ilmt It la north? aiu niton of thorn abo autlrr from bUIno?, b:iMr. urvoM Tn dlMtua,lironi wiuknttMf.ulanLftkin annuo mu, tlwnt la no doubt. In fael IlMrfiuarvsilnni rttm.iu., hie utlr treated muona! MMt ia.Kta. that KK 4 11 ON la dtMini Isirurf lnuioh(iVHn t!l II k'.w makes gAsI! Wlmt? (isrllelfl Tit Ummh uiiiHttonsfthl mioKlira that wrn foruirny uw , of uiMlirh uirn. It i of runr' the Samml l.XMilivc. riuiiwly ftolKjvlium to lull vnlftrera all wrahouiri like Iu l Mirm nf pure, ullll lui; In thia abort artrt. but fhoM nho woiiH ItkoUt know moit) about thla reaitu? iTml Liit u niunjr an uilpht aliuoM muv. ni.iriiiiiiM rnrm If a man isn't sulficiently original fthoHld nend andreMMd envelope for KHKK ti Mori.to.. HmrFnUdb Hoad.llNmnitead lo manufacture IiIh own lies lie should lr. IL'Iere Ijiiulnn, Kn. and rtreiile for l homftilvei i lief ow ita New French Urtuedy Til Kit A 11 ON" No 1. Nil I stick to the truth. r No. lft whallhej reci'lreaiul linvebeciiMceklmi fHTainI during a Iitr uf niifcery. Rulfertng, 111 and Thera pinn In noIiIHt dnrtfisia ur Un. Wuniow'n Roothiiif? Syrup fur ChUdrrn mail iinhnpplnofc. liANl. Foiitfera tta.. U) ittwkBum M.r New York. MifteiiN tJit i;iidih, minims inflammi vurv wiud culuat k a Untie. Uuut uhtyv FIERCE FIGHTING AT TRIPOLI. Ti-a- Arabs and Turks Driven From Heights of Sidi Sa.d by Italian Warships and Attacking Party. Roinr.- - -- Another severe bni'l- at Tripoli on June 2S Is described in an official dispatch received here Saturday night. According to tl.o a whole division attacked the heights of Fidi Bald and neighboring post' ions Many a man hides his wife's coffin The eampaign contributions plank where masses of Arabs and Turks win) bail escuped defeat the previous day with roses, who never gave her a 11 pledges the party to the enact merit of wer-- r bill to do as she pleased with. lying In deep entrenchments r- -a law prohibiting any corporation intui'ced native nria a ri. heavy by from contributing to a cainpuign fund. Is to j Quality It also limits individual contributions p, iit. in , n-ii-remnly fur Ail the Italian guns aidi-tj- - a - ji.,,, tar to a "reasonable maximum." l .w i.ixrfif-liT'ea f a wimui The Democratic congress 1 heartily tacking party fiom shore and three j the position I , jealous woman enables his commended for Its long list of laws warships bombarded for the benefit of the people after a Then two columns advanced for 'ho Satanic mujesty to take a vacation re- - now and then. generation of unlimited power by the assault, routing the enemy w:'h cu o' The next plank peated bayonet charges. They Republican party. i ou Italian which the pied heights Th man who has something to sell arraigns the Kcqiublicau party for ia always an optimist. waste of the money wrung from the were mounted. The Turks left 200 dead and a lurg-- ! people by oppressive taxaticV Many a man looks like a statesman A plank on rural credits is of imwho Is not guilty. portance. It is recommended ,'hat an investigation of agricultural credit so- tin- - MinxI anil l cielles in foreign cniin,Yies he made Drink Brands Compromise Report Untrue. j tli- - c,mipi-in- . retiring. looking toward devising a suitable ays- . Chattanooga, Tenn. United Sa!ei tem for the United States. A water 111 a 5 oru en modest, lint woiu-Taways plank provides for federal con- - i Senator Newell Sanders, one of ihe aVB to acquire all they get. fn leaders in the trol of the Mlsslrsippi and other wa- - i terways. The plan is to maintain ari cumpaign, gave out a wtatement Sumr average depth on the big river so it day nlfiht in which ho denounced as will be navigable, end consiruct dock. untrue the story that a compromise to prevent further floods. This plank had been laid before the Roosevelt also favors draining of all swamp people by the Taft forces at Gliieauo. lauds. Mr. Sanders says that he believes The platform favors post roads. It Governor Hadley was misquoted by reaffirms its declarations In Ihe 1908 ihe newspapers and that he does not the governor would have made platform in regard to labor. It holds bd'n-vthere should be a modification of the scch a statement. in junctional laws. Influence of Yuan Growing. It also recommends a department of iiFnii-t-- r Ft kin. Luo Cheng labor with a cabinet officer. been of lias affairs appi.int foreign The coiirervalicn plank Is also of Yi t0 importance and holds that ronserva - e, II ALCOHOL-- 3 PER CENT tlon und development should proceed The latters resignation was uccepi-'! jj AeCtfable Preparation Ter Tim as Yuan President Saturday. for the benefit of all the people. Im- by similcitin !e Food .inti Reg ula-hnmediate action Is favored to make Rcmldy has endorsed the appoint m tit ill? Sloniarhs and Itowvls of nvi ; available the coni deposits of Alaska. by a vote of 74 to 10. The indicates the declining power A pure food and public health Jority plank declares for the union and strength- of Tang Shao Yi's party and the ox- j 'Of Yuan Shi Kai's iufluniro ening of the various governmental Promotes Digestion, Overful-- i 0 agencies relating to pure food, quaranness and Kc si Contains neither on Right Sid Balance tine. vital statistics and human health. Opium .Morphine nor Mineral ral Warhlngfon. The This department should be adminis3 r Not 29 closed the tered without partiality or discriminaUOU DtSANiawS.Vr.7 tion In favor of or against any school witii a surplus of Mfi.iMie.iu.'.t. accord m of medicine. IKtmpi Cut JW The civil service ing to estimates on Incomid'-l'1 Atx rs from the various toarc-- of rev be honestly und rigidly enV: ' forMt forced. legislation is fuvored to prothe country over. AfUjtSnJ mote law reform. The "policy cf :! j ffiwfMdfrJwA Heaith. in Poor German S Empress jn the Philippines Is deAgril Aftd an fiom lcarm-Smyrna Berlin. It rffW It is nounced. favors the declaration of Hmto fw Xvtvr wim-i- - that the lii'a'.ili of the independence of these Islands. Arizona und New Mexico nre the empress is enuring anxh ty to her Aperferl Remedy rorConsliia to the sisterhood of states. lion . Sour Stomach.Diarrhoea, physicians. n Worms .Convulsions .FeverishMatrimonial Brokers Imprisoned. S ness and LOSS OF SLEEP wood fire in tbe rock stove uud rit Paris. The correctional cou'T 1; 'af'L around as in his old boyhood days on he :,te need the "Cniiniers ('hire" to one Facsimile Signature of Iho farm. What meuiork-It re- year Imprisonment m.d to pay n line Vil J'Jdfl nn.-- l Count IaidlsUnt-- t Zri'i,n-ok- l calls. lie would say. to hear the crackle of Ihe wood antic sniff the to two years' Iniprisoninriit ti-The Centalu Company. smoke that seems to be purifying to pay a fine of $! for obt.iiu ug NEW YONK. rather than' oppressive! fiom "Affairs money under false preicm-.-- s and Folks," Joe Mitchell Chappie, in Mix Wilhclmlna Kemper itt coum Joe Chappie's News Letter. with a scheme to arrau-- c a m between Prince Vidor o T Thut n Guaranteed under llte Foodanj . Tnxis and nil Anmrican liep-o.uni Insinuation, enme it) on anneth In the j The "Fish is a good lirnin diet." Exact Copy of Wrapper. previous trial In April, IhIO, the court "I suppose you take wcakfish for defendants. the ,(iuittcd yours." iuHJow-fti- e o 5 DAISY FLY KILLER ftlM. kMB OM NfwL, MIWllRl.(1llV-nlMl- Lftftia wit Mftdft of mrtol.ma'upiHsir lip over. oiU ( mmi up lajurp ftny thing. hflMfc ar ftsoi. i rffwtim Sold bp dpaioro r 1 Rent pnuwlil Av,. Brwhlfh. S. 1. Uunmutowi soiiii-tliln- r k ASOLO KOMUI, IM OftShlb . lr pAriIeIr HAI rrmimm wmh o tMaHIWi Uw lafe, bnriatft ffiuwih. to Umtoro Ony i Vmr toMia Uni ito hvveiiM hair - g-i- Fr. HOWARD E. youthful rrlrui fnlllnju mr1 fl.fton ZfRTQN tiold. Mlvnr, l. lloM, Silver, Twi Gold. AOr; Zno or tkipper, II. Mulling envelopMft bimi full prise lint Nnl ua appllmthiUi ruitrui imd umpire work koliehed. lAmlvIUtg Cul. Hafcruiiuo. Urtvoitf NhUuiml HaiiL KpmtinmB prireu: I ! j DEFIANCE STARCH asrarMlek Ut i Inja. ft j W. N. U., Salt Lake City, No. 27-19- 12. 2ZE ! o For Infants and Children. The Kind You Have Always Bought As-'.1- g Signature of j ft-d- , fi-- cil Bears the Nabcoyh: j yi-r- r n-:- -- J well-time- d s p - N MBT1UN MMNBV, MftabiNVl VMM ITT, |
