Show AS The Salt Lake Tribune NATION Children and Grief: Kids React Differently to Death in Family By Lynn Smith LOS ANGELES TIMES LOS ANGELES — One child wanted to crawl into his father's Casket Another asked her recently widowed father when the new mommy was coming A preteen who had experienced four recent deaths in the family acted as if nothing had happened and wanted to go shopping "At first I thought my God what's wrong? My children seem like zombies" said Andrea Powell 39 who was devastated last year when her husband Mike died in a freak accident at age 40 Nothing is wrong In a society that has tended to hide death it is : hard for adults to know what is :normal — or to know that chil: dren grieve differently Inside they might be blaming ! themselves for the death They way to encourage small children to talk about their feelings is to go first ("I feel like this If I were you I might feel like that") Still many do not appreciate how children grieve at their own friends ed answers to the question said her developmental level Preverbal children are aware something is wrong and need consistent warm care and reassurance Stuber said Preschoolers do not understand that death is permanent and will need repeat- might be ashamed that they are now different from their peers or afraid no one will take care of them They might just be wishing desperately that life would go on as it was before Often children simply need more time to assimilate what has happened said Margaret Stuber assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Sometimes symptoms of anger sadness or guilt may not surface for a year or two In the past several years many parents have learned not to force children to attend a death a funeral or to touch a body or conversely not to prevent them from doing so if they want to with explanations of what to expect ahead of time Many also understand now that it is best to be honest with children and that a good "Why?" (A simple answer such as -- because he was very sick" works well) School-agchildren are vulnerable to gross misunderstandings One child was distressed to find her aunt in the funeral home when her parents had said she had -- gone to be with Jesus" They also are likely to be taunted cruelly by schoolmates "A couple of kids asked bluntly 'Didn't your dad get drunk and kill himself?' 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