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Show REFLEX By Dorrine A. Turecamo couldnt take it any more, said Judy Bonhart, an expert in public relations. She and her photographer husband had just bought a home in the country. 1 feel Ive become a mass person with mass opinions who follows mass g fashion, diet, and fads, and has to listen to the mass experts on TV to learn what my own opinion on anything is. Our family is going to try to recapture some of the old values, morals, and ideals we once had for ourselves... Were going to live again. Now, five years later, she is feeling trapped in a kindly, rural group that is equally as opinionated, critical, and demanding as the sophisticated urban crowd from whom she originally escaped. Are you caught in a social trap? Trying to live, think, and be like the Joneses? If youre allowing people who really dont mean that much to you to control your life at the expense of those closest to you and those who really need you, you are. Belonging to the group may make you feel secure and be important to your business, but is the group smothering you? In the eagerness to be included in the right group, many sacrifice time, money, and personal interests. Acceptance, some people believe, offers boundless opportunities. Professional associates hold out a promise of career advancement. Social groups offer prestige and a sharing of special interests. Such people do not realize that their energies are misdirected. The superficial social events of cocktail party friends begin to take precedence over their own children. Clubs intended to include the entire and family become an extension of the family. often an invasion And sometimes, this overly exuberant approach to the social life can cause family breakups. To be swallowed up by a neighborhood clique, a special d interest group, or a group is easy. Before we even realize it, intense involvement has narrowed our interests and experiences, JOURNAL BULLETIN LEADER FOCUS AUGUST 26, 1982 Are you caught in a social trap ? child-rearin- g, work-relate- stifling our personal growth. Group manipulation can trap us into spending our precious free time doing what someone else thinks is tun or interesting. We become s. "You must never lose the excitement of life, said Jack Benny. But to be constantly on the alert for new adventures, we must, according to Erich Fromm, consider the whole process of life as a process of birth. Most people die before theyre fully born, he said. They dont explore lifes possibilities. In order to separate the fine from the junk in our lives, we must ask: Whats real? Whats necessary? W hat is of value? Nancy and Arthur Dale felt honored to be included in their inner neighborhood group. Tying to keep up with the Joneses can be constricting to the whole family. Perhaps time to re-evalu- "i i could almost feel them clocking my arrivals and departures from the supermarket. Our conversations had been reduced to personalities, not ideas; criticisms, not constructions. This ceased to be friendship. It was stifling. When we had to go to my mothers birthday party one Saturday night and break their routine, 1 heard myself apologizing as though 1 had committed a sin. However, within three years it had taken over their lives to the point that they felt they had to sell their house and move away. The boring routine included: Thursday afternoon bridge with the girls (Nancy hates bridge), Saturday night cocktails and dinner with rotating hostesses each attempting to outdo the other, 10 a.m. coffee every day in terry cloth robes and curlers, and every New Years at the Richards for the big bash with The Chosen 60. They began to hate the people who had once been their friends, simply because the group had robbed them of their freedom of choice. They knew when we had a new sprout of quack grass, Nancy whose dog did complained, in whose tulip bed, what hours Donna and Alice watched the soaps, and that my son had been called into the principals office for breaking the school dress code. 1 Lean Country Pride Mixed GROUND BEEF FRYER PARTS We finally woke up. This wasnt living. We admitted we were mechanically into but mentally out of our professed enthusiasms. Before the noose strangled us completely, we slipped out. It meant leaving our beautiful dream house. And once we did, there was a long period of attempting to rebuild some valuable friendships we had let grow rusty from neglect. Now, the Dales keep a social diary so they can see clearly how their time is being divided. Nancy Best Foods, 32 Oz. MAYON NAISE n 39 49 y has taken up skiing with her teenage daughters; Arthur, who always wanted a son, has become a Big Brother to a less fortunate boy, and hes for the local considering running school board; and the whole family is getting in shape for a backpacking trip to the mountains. There can be no friendship where there is no freedom, William Penn warned. A more recent expression of this same theme is that if you hold a butterfly too tightly, it dies. Humans are social beings, but group pressure can be overpowering. Its an intangible threat, but no one escapes its impact. You belong or you dont. Youre one of us or one of them. Our fear of disapproval and need for approval is strong. It takes courage to be different... to follow our own inclinations and spend time with the people we really want to, doing the things we enjoy cross-countr- MILD CHEESE Generic, 12 Oz. Can ORANGE JUICE Notebook and TYPE PAPER 6 34 100-C- t. Pillsbury Plus w. CAPTAIN CRUNCH CAKE MIX CANTA- - w LOUPE nst 49,t GRAPES ib. Baggies, $189 150-C- t. SANDWICH BAGS Hunts, 69 ck 89 Assorted SNACK PACK $109 WESSON OIL 99 hMKABOlir PARTY PIZZA nt ... Thompson Seedless Totinos Asstd. 200-Cou- speed-reading- Vine Ripened Oscar Mayer, 12 Oz. Meat or Beef VARIETY PACK You might join a Great Books discussion group, take up needlepoint or gardening, begin collecting and refinishing antiques, join a little theater group, sign up for a course in advanced or bookkeeping or decide to a adopt puppy. you might If youre the person an organization depends on to plan and lead its programs, try switching to the budget committee for a change. The woman who is always in the church or club kitchen because she manages dinners so efficiently can claim a severe and chronic case of dermatitis on her hands. Pillsbury Plus $159 Jl According to medical sociologists, supportive friends and families arc more important in warding off depression than a strong will. And the greater the variety of people close to us, the more interesting and fulfilled our lives will be. The happiest lives, like the best parties, have a wide variety of guests. To keep involved, fresh, and aware, there is no substitute for at least one enthusiastic teen-ag- e friend. For greater depth, perspective, and strength of purpose, we need close friends in their Golden Years. Friends are there to help us let go or to turn to in a crisis. But even one person can be a social trap if he or she must be informed of our every movement and is upset if he or she is not included. We seek each others company because we want to. A healthy individualist cant function in only one room of a house. Likewise, locking yourself into an overly active tennis or dance club may block out opportunities to explore other rooms. Your talents can take you in many directions. 16 Oz. Cereal $1 lb. or More ate how you spend your free time. A Banquet, its most. The status or business contacts that many organizations offer can be enjoyable and helpful as long as we dont drown in them. Skydiving, family camping trips, taking up karate or roller skating, studying Roman architecture or Malaysian anthropology may not fit into what the group considers in, but if we keep trying to swing with whats in or out, we may never arrive. One of the insidious threats of a particular social group is Even if only one person in the group has this malady, it can infect everyone. The striving to outdo one another in our style of entertaining gradually is applied to homes, cars, vacations... Even our children were competing with each other, the Dales said. Its an unending game, but many of us play insincere, uncomfortable roles as we attempt to meet the groups standards. or 10 nt ENVELOPES 5109 89 59 Bowmans Double Coupon Days MillSS IN KAYSVILLE 75 East 200 North Store Hours: 7 Monday A.M.-1- 0 P.M. 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