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Show day and I repeated what Bob Hope had said about him, but Cleason didn't laugh as hard as the audience in Philadelphia had. Hopes quip was: You know, Jackie Gleason took off 60 pounds? He had to. He was lying on the beach in Miami and someone came along and painted 'Goodyear on his Emnli&i Meb lita) by Uh2 Cousins side." That 0 A Liiu funny lady Moms Mabley has an answer for everything. I asked her what she'd do about crime if she had the power. Moms replied, "I don't know, but I'd do something. Why, a man held up a bank the day before yesterday, and he got mugged on the way to his getaway car." L JUU?JU vv,Xi7 LjjuasuljD And listen to Henny Young-ma"There was a guy in Minneapolis walking down the street and a man walks up to him and says, 'Will you help the Bible Society?' He replies, 'I wouldn't give a nickel to the Bible Society. You talk about St. Paul all through the Bible and not a word about Minneapolis.' " n: EDITOR'S NOTE: For 11 years Mike Douglas has been hosting his television show, and it's the realization of a childhood dream: to perform, make people happy, and get paid for it. When Michael Delaney Dowd lr. (his real name) was growing up in Chicago, his mother took him to the theater, and he became stagestruck. He started his career as a singer, and when he joined Kay Kysers Kollege of Musical Knowledge he was heard on radio from coast to coast. He was singing at a San Francisco piano-baearning $125 and thinking of going into the real estate business, when KYW-Toffered him a daily program. The Mike Douglas Show is Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara are constantly putting each other on. When they the show, Jerry was talking about football anc said that he doesn't like it as much as he used to. Now he's more interested in brain than brawn. Anne had to ed r, disagree: "Oh, but ballplayers aren't dummies anymore, V syndicated and is 3 produced in Philadelphia. Here are some of the jokes and stories Mike's guests have told: i 1 LJ 0, Accents higher. Gallon See the guarantee on the label. Totie Fields, the quite pleasingly plump comedienne, knows from experience when it's time to go on a diet. She told my audience: "You know it's time to go on a diet when you're wearing a red, white, and blue dress, and you're standing on a street corner yawning, and someone drops letter in your mouth." They're all college graduates, and they talk pretty good. And Joe Namath, he doesn't even have to talk. He has nice eyes. One on each side of his nose. I like them that way." S? Ctl-trp r.1Kl no ncncrs czzztz. 90-min- There's a ROGERS RAINT r? See a I remember when comedian Jackie Kahane broke up the audience with a whole slew of stupid questions that people ask, along with some great retorts. My favorite was about the guy Yellow for every room available Pages under paint who brought a prescription to the drugstore. The druggist asked, You want this filled?" and the guy answered, No, it's a holdup note written in Latin." Phyllis Diller, who looks terrific after her recent face-lif- t, likes to get com Pianist Roger Williams told about the time he played for Harry Trumans Inauguration. at for the nearest store. edy mileage out of the operation. She told this story: "My husband suggested I get my face done, and it was amazing. After it was over, I looked so good so suddenly that he thought he was cheating on his wife." Jackie Gleason was my co-ho- st one He said that after he had fin ished, the late President took to the piano. When he finished, Williams remarked, "You know, Mr. President, you would have made a great pianist. Truman, in his inimitable fashion, quipped, "You know, a helluva lot of people wish I'd stuck with it." Julie Dejohn tried to squelch the rumor that shes a bigj eater. "I'm telling the truth. I'm a very light eater. When it gets light, I eat." The over-abunda- nt T4 PARADE MARCH 11. 1973 M |