OCR Text |
Show Sunday, September W, ?4 B!air Wftch' gels seal of approv; it came to my attention that I was one of the eight remaining Americans ,&io had not seen The Blair j Witch Project." Is r In case you're one of the fotfier seven, I should explain sJUt The Blair Witch Project" is a hugely popular movie that yfy&s featured simultaneously -90 the covers of both Time and 4, -- Newsweek (mottoes: "We Both Have The Same Motto"). The yfilair Witch Project" stunned Hollywood establishment, it proved that, to a hit movie, you don't jj need big stars, an expensive S production and a huge promotional budget to generate "frj'pe. All you need is a huge Dave Barry they wave the camera around !the ? ' jjromotional budget to gener-JShype. The movie itself can e J coet $34. Not wishing to be a cultural I holdout, I went to see The t Blair Witch Project," which tells the story of three young I actors who attemnt to mnWf ( ? ! Darn! SECOND CHARACTER: Go darn yourself! SQUIRREL: Will you darners shut the darn UP!?! The characters are all so documentary without a tripod. This means the camera constantly moves around, as though it is strapped to the head of a hyperactive seal. (For some reason, the camera is often pointed more or less at the ground, as though the 6eal is hunting for ants.) The effect of this technique is to create a mood of intense realism for several minutes, after which it creates a mood of intense motion sickness. The three movie characters are looking for the Blair Witch, who according to legend is a mean witch who is never actually seen because of the high cost of special effects. spr. nut. and Trip almost immediately become lost in the legendarily huge uninhabited forests of Maryland (motto: The Endless Vast Expanse of Wilderness State"). They respond to this predicament exactly as Lewis and Clark would have: By holding long whiny arguments wherein rhfli-arrpr- ii w RCOPY busy arguing and yelling "Darn!" at each other that, in the entire movie, they actually travel a grand total of maybe 75 linear feet. You get the impression that if they'd just shut up and WALK, in 20 minutes they'd come to a But they don't, and after several days they run out of food. They do NOT, however, run out of electricity for their cameras, which apparently are powered by tiny, highly portable nuclear generators. And thus they are able to keep videotaping, which enables you, the viewer, to experience the terrifying things that happen right outside their tent at night, namely: It's hard to say. Apparently SOMETHING terrifying is happening, but you can't really tell what it is, because pretty much all you see is the ground, or total darkness. Much of the footage near the end appears to be shot deep inside a sleeping bag. Wal-Mar- fi i m in ii imn in ii and repeatedly shout a very bad word that I cannot put in the newspaper, so let's just call it "darn." Much of the dia- logue sounds like this: FIRST CHARACTER: Darn you! You darned got lis darned lost in these darned woods! ii nnini iiiiyi Jason Scott Anderson, 8, 1 son of Scctt from qucci and Annette 'ifi Anderson of Pleasant Grove, was awarded the rank of Eagle Scout on Sept. 12. He is in n t! the forest service at Tibbie His project involved painting a large scale map of the United States of America on the playground of Orem Elementary School. Fork Reservoir. Clayton Briggs Ellis, Troop 2163 sponsored by the Pleasant Grove 12th Ward. His project involved building and installing park benches at Anderson Wilderness Park. Bradley S. Brown, 14, son of Scott and Kaylyn Brown of Orem, will be awarded the rank of Eagle Scout on Sept. 25. He ia in Troop 973 sponsored by the i5m - f f..' i - ; t Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him co The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132. " m"T n """" a " "- - ' " : ilH. !).;. - '- U 5 'la ". Hi ' , '" ' . ,,,?, o o" ! ..? Shop Monday-Saturda- y 104 and Sunday 12-- 6 at aH Dillanff tocation. In Provo: Provo Town Centra. In Salt Laka City: Fashion Piac and South Town Cantar. bi Ogden: Nawgata Mall. We welcome your DatxT CreoVt Cart, The American Express Card, Diners Club International, MastercarcT, Visa" and the Discover Card. if'' r- i 1 " v -- C mm m ' , . f -r g pt-&n- 3 Jli.ii.idU r ill-fat- Tom TIE BiiunD's team! Fu3-- & YiT3 Gnwrt SanefJts pccTJcs HI Si Scout on Sept. 18. He is in Troop 38 sponsored by the Edgemont 1st Ward. His project involved disassembled a log cabin in Southern Utah and reassembled it at BYU for the www.heraldextra.com , i-- Roberts of Provo, was awarded the rank of Eagle Visit us online . -- -' . 18, low-budg- rnmrwrirrn-Mni- i ' 14, rj 1 ...... Marc Kalani Roberts, son of Glen and Michelle son of Kelly T. and Iiecky Ellis of lovo, will be awarded the rank of Eagle Scout Uiday. He is in Troop 37 sponsored bv the Oak Hills 1st Ward. His project involved planted 325 trees for " ; Page AIS Lakeridge 9th Ward. nsw rroaanC'3 for women ie llah y t. n inrmiiwirai DAILY HFRALD, Provo, EAGLE SCOUTS I won't reveal the terrifying and shocking surprise ending of the movie, because I don't want to 6poil it, plus I have no idea what it is, since it's not actually IN the movie. The characters all get killed and are unable to videotape it. But at least the darned camera stopped moving. I hope I don't appear to be criticizing The Blair Witch Project." I happen to think it's a great film, because despite its flaws, it meets the ultimate artistic test: It will make over a hundred million dollars. This inspires me. In my college days, I spent my summers working at Camp Sharparoon as a counselor for disadvantaged youths, and one of my key counseling techniques was terror. When we were out in the woods at night, I could make the youths at least briefly stop hitting each other and making bodily sounds by telling them scary bedtime stories. Not to brag, but some of my stories were a lot scarier than The Blair Witch Project," as determined by the standard unit of measurement for bedtime-storscariness, which is Bedrolls Wetted. So I'm thinking I can cash in on my Camp Sharparoon 6tories by turning them into films. I'll terrifying start with "Hunt for the Latrine Demon," which will be about an attempt to make a documentary about an entity that dwells, according to legend, in a primitive hand-ducampsite toilet facility. I've already got a script written ("It's got me by my darned ankles!"). All I need now is some unknown actors, a video camera and a huge promotional budget. And of course a Recently lW.THE |