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Show Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues, July 30-August 2, 2005 The Park Record A-10 MORE DOCS ON M A I N STREET By Tom Clyde Metric carpentry while I could remember Pythagoras, his magic formula was long gone. I gambled on eight-footers and got lucky. But it all brought to mind the words most feared in 1955 when we bought the ranch in Woodland. My uncle was a kid in his early 20s when he took over by any English major: "Two trains leave the station the operation of the dairy, including supervising sev- at the same time..." I would happily read eral employees who were mostly older than he. "Finnegan's Wake," "Moby Dick" (not the Classic Keeping Grandpa out of trouble was a big part of it. Comic Book version, the real deal), and "Paradise The dairy is long gone, but we're still here. As part Lost" while standing on my head if it kept me from of the celebration, we decided to do a big whoop- doing story problems. "Two trains leave the station at the same time..." No! I'll read "Beowulf" in Old dee-doo in the loft of the old barn. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but there Middle English. Those trains are going to crash into were some flaws in the thinking. To start with, the each other no matter what I do. I'll get the formula only way in and out of the loft was the "death lad- all backwards and one of the trains will crash head der." This was a set of boards nailed across the wall on into the other. Get oft' the trains! studs that climbed up through a hole in the floor of Despite being stumped by the rigors of eighththe loft. Whoever built it must have been seven feet grade math, I managed to get the stairs built. The ristall, as the rungs of the ladder are about two feel ers are all the same height, and hit the uneven floor apart. Once people got up into the loft, there was the of the loft at mid-sag. problem' of the floor The whole experibeing covered with 80 ence pointed out the years' worth of hay dust of • • I've developed some basic carpentryabsurdity and raccoon poop. Americans clinging The invitations were skills. I know a stud from a joist But ifs beento the English unils measurement. already in the mail, so a long time since I've taken on a project big of Even the English the only solution was to fix the problems. enough to be worth digging the tool belt out have thrown it out. Notice how it is Through the years out of the depths of the garage." never referred lo as here I've developed some basic carpentry ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ - ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ the English "system" of measureskills. I know a stud from a joist. But it's been a long time since I've taken ment. The metric system is a system. English units on a project big enough to be worth digging the tool are random. A foot is a foot because we have feet. belt out of the depths of the garage. So I committed Mine are about 25 centimeters. There are 12 inches carpentry. What better way to refresh those skills in a foot because some inbred English King had 12 fingers instead of 10 like the rest of us. We break than building a spiral staircase? Once I got it planned out, the actual construction inches down into useful increments like 32nds and was easy. But this was a project that required eighth- 64ths because somebody once cut something in half, grade arithmetic. There were few fixed targets. The then cut that half in half again. floor of the barn was dirt, and could be about any If Jimmy Carter hadn't been attacked by a rabbit elevation I wanted it to be. The floor in the loft was while fishing, we might have gone metric a generasagging and lost about two inches in the width of the tion ago. Metric is so clearly superior to what we use stairs. I didn't want to cut the hole in the floor until that it's just plain stupid to cling to the traditional I knew for sure where everything was supposed to units "just because." I'm all for traditions, but when meet up. the traditional system is so obviously inferior to the Stairs are supposed to be no more than seven alternative, it just seems like we should get on board places like Ghana, inches high. But when I divided the overall height by with forward-looking seven inches, I got 15 3/4 stairs. That last step would Khajikistan, Germany and, yes, France, and use the be a problem. So I took it the other direction, round- same standard as the rest of the world. ed up, and divided the total height by 16 steps. That The folks at Stanley Tool could make the transigave me a riser of 6.8 inches. But the tape measure is tion overnight. If all of the tape measures arriving at in quarters, eighths, and God bless them, even thir- Home Depot were metric starting tomorrow, .we ty-seconds of an inch. I tried converting a decimal to would be fully converted within a couple of months, a fraction, and finally settled on 6 3/4 inches plus a and nobody would miss trying to figure out what size saw-blade. hole a 7/64th-inch drill bit will make. In the meanSo I'm in the lumberyard buying the materials, time, how about if we decimalize the fool, and use and suddenly I wonder if eight-footers are long lOlhs of feet and lOOths of feet instead of inches and enough for the runners. They looked right on my 64ths? drawing, but the ends would have to be cut off I still couldn't figure out which train gets to its square and could fall a little short. I was trying to destination first, but cutting lumber up would be a work that out, and was visited by the Ghost of lot easier. Geometry Past. I remembered that it was Tom Clyde is a former city attorney and author of Pythagoras who figured out hypotenuses. There's a "More Dogs on Main Street "He has been a columnist hypotenuse in'the barn! Atert tlje apriorities. But for The Park Record for 19years. e are celebrating our 50th anniversary out at W the ranch this year. Although the family has been in the area much longer than that, it was back AVAILABLE NOW! Choosing where to ski and ride is a game of high stakes Make sure you're holding all the right cards Renew or buy online at www.thecanyons.com Or call up the dealer at 435-615-3410 and say "Hit Me." SUNDAY IN THE PARK By Teri Orr Pay only $100 now! Put down a $100 deposit before the early season deadline {September 5, 2005-Labor Day) to reserve your pass at the early price. Remainder must be paid by 10/31/05. 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SWING Magazine eubacripticn valued at S9. • We're dealing out the cards. * • A water-colored snapshot I t started when my nearly-four-year-old grand- connoisseur pointed out. So she picked just the plump daughter, asked on the telephone, if I knew what red ones and ceremoniously tossed them for'cleaning color her swimsuit was. Before I could start a litany of and processing into the wading pool. hues she blurted right out, "It's my favorite color... it's This process made her brother giggle some more rainbow-color!" I laughed and then started the recita- and go bobbing for berries, an event I highly recomtion, "then it must be blue and purple and green and mend. We kids grown tall, sat in sling-back lawn chairs yellow and red," I said. There was a pause. Then Izzy and observed the performance. The sun was alrriost answered with authority, "Yeeeeeecep. Rainbow-col- too hot, so the breeze that picked up seemed made to ored." order. Soon the berries were consumed and Izzy was Then came the follow-up question, which her father ready for the Main Event. "Can we go your other pool swears he did not put her up to, Izzy asked if I had a now, Oma?" I suggested she go on with her Daddy. swimsuit and just what color was my swimsuit. "Yes, I And her little face crumpled up, "Aren't you coming, have a suit and it is black" I told her. "Oh." She paused Oma?" And I realized at once, the wrongheadediiess politely. Then said, in a tone of sweet condolence, of ever saying, "Oh, I wouldn't do xyz, for love or "That's OK." And then she added the punch, "Will money." Because while no amount of money could you come swimming with me? I could swim at your have gotten me to put that suit on and be seen in public, the pure love of that pool!" And no, I child got right through. haven't suddenly dug up the back yard and And I realized at once, the wrong- Which is how I came to be splashing around in poured cement. On a headedness of ever saying, 'Oh, I wouldn'tthe shallow end, jumping drive past the and squealing, and tossRacquet Club weeks do xyz, for love or money/" ing the water noodles ago, I pointed out the back and forth. I told swimming pool, just ^^m^m^m^mmm^^^a^^ • M H M M B B B B M H M two long blocks from myself I had Harry my house. She decided that was Oma's pool. Who am Potter's invisibility cloak over me and only Izzy knew I to argue? I also hedged my bets and bought one of where tofindme. Yes, I find comfort in delusion. those inflatable wading pools. It is rainbow-color. After more than an hour of hopping out of the big When Izzy and her parents and her year-old-no- pool to warm up in the widdle pool and taking a coulonger-baby-brother, Axel, came up over the week- ple of turns around the current we decided was just end, I was ready. I filled the wading pool early in the like the one Nemofc dad swam in to find Nemo. I came day to be warmed by the sun. I bought some plastic to the conclusion, whatever the final number was taxtoys to float in the water. I filled the house with payers spent to refurbish that formerly tired pool last lemonade and cookies and all things a grandmother year was money well spent. I was not the only grandparent there and there were dozens of happy kids with should stock. We started by going out to lunch at Windy Ridge, a bevy of lifeguards watching them. There is, also, a where dining al fresco meant grilled cheese sandwich slide, which Izzy went on with her dad and declared it, and French fry spills on the ground that were eaten a widdle bit scawee, but I suspect next time she will quickly by visiting birds. While her brother was fixat- want to get a widdle bit seaweed again. ed on his giant kosher pickle (a culinary quirk my own Once home, and in dry clothes, we made our way children had that young as well), Izzy and I decided to out to the porch swing. I produced (he perfect ice investigate the wind whirlymajiggys across the street. cream bar covered in chocolate and nuts. We didn't The artist would no doubt prefer to refer to these as talk much on the swing. Izzy pointed out the birds at sculptures but that would require a lecture on art the feeder. And she shared bites of chocolate/that fell forms that I thought unnecessary at the moment. off the bar and suggested I lick the drippy vanilla parts, Some looked like flowers, we agreed. Some, like the which I did only too gladly. sails of a kite... "only sideways ones, Oma." And Inside, her brother was rolling giant glass marbles some, I pointed out, looked like they were made out of on the carpet and giggling. The 'Rents were reading. It giant spoons. "You could stir giant pots of soup with was, all in all, a pretty perfect afternoon. I tried right those spoons," I said. Izzy considered that and then then, very hard, to make what I have come to think of, offered, "And giant pots of pa'sgetti!" I laughed and as a photograph on my heart. Something more vibrant agreed, they would be perfect for pa'sgetti. than just a memory. Something I can pull out on a Once home, it was time for the wading pool and dreary winter's day or a sad day or a bad day and toys. Both kids splashed and scooped water and gig- remember all the glorious spectrum of Izzys favorite gled in the sun. Izzy took n break and wanted to walk color, the glories of a pretty near-perfect, Sunday in in my tiny garden and look for strawberries. My little the Park... patch had produced perhaps a dozen perfect berries. Teri Orr is a former editor ofThe Park Record anil "The green ones aren't so delicious," my pint-sized director oftlte Park City Performing Arts Center Season Passes on sale now. CAJVYCHNST PARK CITY, UTAI- TTM Canyon* tncf Tht Canyons mcurtun fogo are registercd trademarks of ASC Utah. O2006 The Canyons. Al nghts reswvod. Don't miss fay Meeh^rf •.:. in Wednesday's Fj Core Samples' |