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Show Short Cummings By KEVIN CUMMINGS Shopping strikes terror in depths of male psyche By KEVIN CUMMINGS This September my wife and I will celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. an-niversary. This is a momentous occasion oc-casion for us, but it scares me to death. An anniversary means that I will have to (dare I say it?) go shopping. Most men, normal men anyway, hate to shop. This is not because we are wimps. It's because we know we can't ever get it right No matter what we buy, it will be the wrong size, the wrong color, or even the wrong gift altogether. I didn't used to believe this, but then I bought my wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I still have bruises shaped like the ' 'handy curtain cur-tain attachment." To atone for that little faux pas I had to buy a mat- ching pearl earring and necklace set. The most dangerous gift to buy for a woman is clothing. Clothing presents a variety of choices that bewilder the average man. Assuming he can remember his wife's "colors" and pick the right style, a man still has to get the right size. If you're buying clothes for a woman, buy 'em small. If your gift is too large, you'll have to face the unanswerable question: "Just how big do you think I am?" This is the kind of question trial attorneys love no matter what answer an-swer you give, you'll incriminate yourself. Of course, you might try to avoid the issue altogether and give the lady a gift certificate. Bad idea. (In fact, as bad ideas go, this is right up there with the Edsel.) The only way to make up for this gaffe is with diarrionds or furs...or both. Usually it's easier (and safer) to buy jewelry in the first place. It's never the wrong size or color, and it's always 1 'just what she wanted. ' For our anniversary, I checked with the Hallmark people to find out what the proper gift is for five years of wedded bliss. I got two answers; an-swers; wood and silverware. It only took a moment's thought to realize that a cord of firewood was not a good gift idea. I set off in search of silverware instead. I learned something from this expedition. ex-pedition. My wife and I don't own any silverware. We own flatware. Silverware is made of real silver, costs lots of money, and requires lots of polishing. Flatware is made of stainless steel, costs very little money, and requires no polishing. After looking at the prices of silverware, I understand why we have flatware. Still, it is our fifth anniversary. I'd be shirking my husbandly responsibilities (not to mention risking risk-ing my life) if I didn't get a proper gift. Checkbook in hand, I went to the housewares section of a fashionable fash-ionable department store. There are almost as many silverware silver-ware patterns as there are dress styles. I found I could buy knives, forks and spoons embossed with a surprising number of designs. It would take me the better part of a week to catalog all of the cutlery I found. Finally, in desperation, I picked a pattern at random. The sales clerk assured me that I had made a good choice and even gift wrapped my purchase. I hope my wife likes Mickey Mouse spoons. Just in case, I'd better get a set of diamond earrings. |