OCR Text |
Show B6 Castle Valley Review, April 2009 The FAMILY PAGE Permissive Parenting Leads to Kids’ Destructive Behaviors Dr. James Dobson Focus on the Family Q You have been very critical of behavioral scientists and other writers who recommend a more permissive approach to child-rearing. Explain why this concerns you. Why is it ever wrong to be kind and merciful to a boy or girl? The issue is not one of kindness and mercy. It is one of loving authority and leadership at home, which is in the child’s best interest. The majority of books and seminars since 1950 on child raising have effectively stripped parents of the ability to deal with willful defiance when it occurs. First, they haven’t admitted that such behavior happens, and second, they have given parents no tools with which to confront it. This bad advice has led to a type of paralysis in dealing with kids. In the absence of “permission” to step in and lead, parents were left with only their anger and frustration in response to defiant behavior. Let me give an example from a parenting text entitled “Your Child from Two to Five,” published during the permissive 1950s. In it was a bit of characteristic advice from that era, paraphrased from the writings of a Dr. Luther Woodward, as follows: “What do you do when your preschooler calls you a ‘big stinker’ or threatens to flush you down the toilet? Do you scold -- punish -- or sensibly take it in your stride? Dr. Woodward recommends a positive policy of understanding as the best and fastest way to help a child outgrow this verbal violence. When parents fully realize that all little tots feel angry and destructive at times, they are better able to minimize these outbursts. Once the preschooler gets rid of his hostility, the desire to destroy is gone and instinctive feelings of love and affection have a chance to sprout and grow. Once the child is six or seven, parents can rightly let the child know that he is expected to be outgrowing sassing his parents.” Having recommended that passive approach, with which I disagree strongly, Dr. Woodward then told parents to brace themselves for unjust criticism. He wrote, “But this policy (of letting children engage in defiance) takes a broad perspective and a lot of composure, especially when friends and relatives voice disapproval and warn that you are bringing up a brat.” In this case, your friends and relatives will be right: You will be bringing up a bratty kid -- and maybe a houseful of them! Dr. Woodward’s recommendation encourages parents to stand passively through the formative years when respect for authority can so easily be taught. His philosophy is based on the simplistic notion that children will develop sweet and loving attitudes if adults will permit and encourage their temper tantrums during childhood. A Astro Advice Monthly Eugenia Last ARIES (March 21-April 19): Being aggressive or pushy will cause problems and setbacks. You are better off focusing your energy on things that matter to you, where you can accomplish the most. Being openminded and cooperative will help you excel. Avoid travel. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Secretive action will be necessary if you don’t want to put up with negative, conservative opposition. Travel for business or learning purposes should be scheduled in. Pick up skills that will help you secure a better position and higher pay. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don’t get railroaded into donating to someone or something with which you really don’t want to help. You must focus on what will get According to the optimistic Dr. Woodward, the tot who has been calling his mother a “big stinker” for six or seven years can be expected to transform, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, into a sweet and loving seven-year-old. That outcome is most improbable. Dr. Woodward’s “policy of understanding” (which means “policy of permissiveness”) leads directly to adolescent rebellion in strong-willed children. My wife has been severely depressed for nearly three months. What kind of treatment or therapy would you recommend for her? Get her to a physician, perhaps a psychiatrist or internist, as soon as possible. This kind of prolonged depression can have serious medical and psychological consequences, yet it is usually very responsive to treatment. Antidepressant drugs are effective in controlling most cases of depression. She could also be entering menopause and may need estrogen replacement therapy or some other hormone treatment. Of course, medication will not correct an emotional problem, if that is what underlies her depression. She may need to talk to a psychologist or a counselor after you have approached the problem from a medical perspective. The important thing is to get going. Depression should not be permitted to continue unchecked. If beauty is the most important attribute in determining personal worth in this culture, what is in second place? It is intelligence as expressed in scholastic aptitude. When the birth of a firstborn child is imminent, his parents pray that he will be normal ... that is, “average.” But from that moment on, average will not be good enough. Their child must excel. He must succeed. He must triumph. He must be the first of his age to walk or talk or ride a tricycle. He must earn a stunning report card and amaze his teachers with his wit and wisdom. He must do well in Little League, and later he must be a track star or first-chair trombone or the valedictorian. His sister must be a cheerleader or the senior-class president or the soloist or the best pupil in her advanced-placement class. Throughout the formative years of childhood, parents give their kids the same message day after day: “We’re counting on you to do something fantastic. Now don’t disappoint us!” The hopes, dreams and ambitions of an entire family sometimes rest on the shoulders of an immature child. And in this atmosphere of fierce competition, the parent who produces an intellectually gifted child is clearly holding the winning sweepstakes ticket. Unfortunately, exceptional children are just that -- exceptions. Seldom does a fiveyear-old memorize the King James Version of the Bible or play chess blindfolded or compose symphonies in the Mozart manner. To the contrary, the vast majority of our children are not dazzlingly brilliant, extremely witty, highly coordinated, tremendously talented or universally popular! They are just plain kids with oversized needs to be loved and accepted as they are. Thus, the stage is set for unrealistic pressure on the younger generation and considerable disappointment for their parents. Isn’t it our goal to produce children with self-discipline and self-reliance? If so, how does your approach to external discipline imposed by parents get translated into internal control? There are many authorities who suggest that parents take a passive approach to their children for the reason implied by your question: They want their kids to discipline themselves. But since young people lack the maturity to generate that self-control, they stumble through childhood without experiencing either internal or external discipline. Thus, they enter adult life having never completed an unpleasant assignment or accepted an order that they disliked or yielded to the leadership of their elders. Can we expect such a person to exercise self-discipline in young adulthood? I think not. That individual doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. My belief is that parents should introduce their children to discipline and selfcontrol by any reasonable means available, including the use of external influences, when they are young. By being required to behave responsibly, he gains valuable experience in controlling his own impulses and resources. Then as he grows into the teen years, responsibility is transferred year by year from the shoulders of the parent directly to the child. He is no longer required to do what he has learned during earlier years in hopes that he will want to function on his own initiative. To illustrate, a child should be required to keep his room relatively neat when he is young. Then somewhere during the midteens, his own self-discipline should take over and provide the motivation to continue the task. If it does not, the parent should close the door and let him live in a dump, if that is his choice. In short, self-discipline does not come automatically to those who have never experienced it. Self-control must be learned, and it must be taught. (Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Solid Answers” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House. Copyright 2009 James Dobson Inc. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) you the most and, frankly, following your dreams and investing in yourself is a better choice. combine your desire and your talent, you can master whatever goals you set. Positive changes at home, to you personally or to your financial situation are all possible to achieve. Q A Q A CANCER (June 21-July 22): Make moves that will position you for a better future. Utilize your creativity, charm and expertise and you will capture interest both personally and professionally. Don’t fight change when it’s bound to improve your situation. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Step outside your circle of friends or peer group. It’s time to learn something new through courses, travel or by joining a group that interests you. Questioning your beliefs, philosophies or even your direction will lead to better times. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’ll have lots of options to play with and, if you Q A LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you are handed a lemon, make lemonade. You will land on your feet even when you think you are being given a bad deal. Sometimes you need a nudge in order to make a move that can better your life and help you follow your dreams. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can’t believe everything you hear even if it comes from someone you know and love. You are better off dealing with strangers who will offer you an unbiased opinion, not the ones who love you and want to spare your feelings. |