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Show McGoofey's First Reader and Eclectic Primer s L-TO.mm,E;W by H. I. PHILLIPSEsss5SS5SSi. fit ff p p ; if " 'Wx fsM? I Ti"i THE STORY OF HORATIO 1 Horatio was a slow thinker. 2 He didn't retain very. well. 3 As a boy he was so dumb his playmates nicknamed him "The Dummy." 4 He was very slow mastering simple games and always lost at parchesi. 5 On the high school baseball team he stole second with the bases full, and on the scrub football team lost a game by running the wrong way with the ball. 6 He Just didn't seem able to grasp things. 7 As a young man he took up bridge and set a new world's record the first year for the number of consecutive times he was set after redoubling. S He stuck to the game, however, how-ever, although everybody tried to avoid him as a partner. 9 He never could remember what was bid and was always bidding bid-ding the wrong suit himself. 10 When contract came in, he became especially enthusiastic and was eagerly sought as an opponent by even fifth-rate players. 11 When he won a rubber everybody every-body knew It could only be a case of a phoney deck or a major accident. acci-dent. 12 His reputation as a terrible bridge player grew by leaps and bounds. 13 But he made a fortune, and you'll never guess how. 14 He wrote a book called "Contract "Con-tract Made a Pushover for the Beginner." Be-ginner." 15 It sold a million copies and led to a Job writing articles for newspapers all over the country on the fine points of contract bridge. . MORAL A full fountain pen covers cov-ers a multitude of sins. RHYMES OF SUCCESS Diligent in business be, Always change your socks; Live with exeat frueralltv And don't buy railroad stocks! CURIOUS FACTS FOR CURIOUS PEOPLE 1 Cigarette burns on a piano case can be removed with a chisel and saw. 2 It has been estimated by careful care-ful students of the cinema that 88 out of every 100 laughs in the movies are dependent on grapefruit. 3 The average life of safety razor blade Is 43 cuts. 4 A New England boiled dinner will sustain life in one man for foVr days, but It will hardly be worth It 5 The Chinese have rejected football as a national game, owing to the long time it would take to give the signals In the native dia-Ject. dia-Ject. (i It Is against the law to ride a high-wheeled bicycle on the sidewalks side-walks of Brooklyn, N. Y. 7 The appetite for chicken soup can be curbed by leaving in the feathers. 8 Eugene O'Neil can go hours at a time without being frivolous. 9 In Jupiter, Fla., there is a man who never broke his watch crystal. Oh, see the ? ,fV'l Tlie niau ls a : 1 Vrt-5 racketeer. 4tff)l V'i What ls a MXJy. racketeer? j f'XTif. A racketeer Is :0r-4?l a man who en- ; K -"-'Tv! i j Joys special priv- rj.':. - 3-;- ileges in Amer-ica Amer-ica and who gets X more space In the newspapers In a month than honest business men get In their lifetimes. now does the racketeer obtain special privileges? It's all done by mirrors, machine guns, armored cars and political affiliations. Are racketeers ever arrested? Now and then. Do they go to prison? Rarely ever. Why not? It's too difficult. Some of them try very hard to get Into the hoose-gow, hoose-gow, but It is almost Impossible. If rounded up on serious charges, such as defying the Constitution, general lawlessness and murder, don't they go to prison? Not so that you could notice It. But isn't there any way a rack eteer can get the government to put him in prison? "Oh, yes, there is one way that will greatly excite Uncle Sam and cause him to deal quickly and severely se-verely with a racketeer. What way is that? By giving the government reason to suspect that he has cheated on his income tax return. Why does the government become so suddenly alert in a case of income in-come tax evasions? It's one of life's little mysteries. OUR DOMESTIC ANIMALS The horse he is a noble beast; He's man's best friend, uo doubt, But hasn't been so useful since The buggy-ride went out. He still is seen upon the streets Or grazing in a lot, But as a means of travel, well. He Isn't very hot. 1 love the horse, and who does not? He's faithful, strong and kind, But just the same I think lie's left His future far behind. GRAMMAR Which Is proper: 1 "I think .the Giants were playing play-ing great baseball," or, "I think the Giants was playing great baseball"? And why make either statement? 2 "The market enjoyed a strong rally," or "The market experienced a strong rally"? And why not tell the truth and say that a few stocks went up an eighth? 3 "The radio announcer's voice were very pleasing," or "The radio announcer's voice was very pleasing"? pleas-ing"? And do you believe either statement? 4 "The ambassador attended court wearing a one-piece bathing suit of pink and green," or "The ambassador attended court attired in the conventional velvet knee pants"? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE SENTENCES? The candidate for the nomination for the Presidency mounted the rostrum ros-trum and told the public frankly how he stood on every Issue before the American people. The Broadway chorus girl left the city In deep humiliation when she found that her picture had been put on the first page of a newspaper newspa-per In connection with a scandal involving a millionaire merchant. The fisherman caught a fish weighing eight pounds, but refused to pose for photographs or discuss the matter. "Please let me walk In the rear of the parade," begged the drum major. "I'm a little bashful." The senator, when Interviewed on the foreign situation, gave views which In no way contradicted Ills previous utterances on the subject The hitch-bikers refused to signal sig-nal passing cars, saying: "If anybody any-body wants to pick me up they will stop for me of their own accord." NATURAL HISTORY Consider the pobbly-wobbly fish Which Is raised in a water pall; It's a type of fish that makes a swish For It hasn't a fish's tall. I'ou may look at It most Intently and ' you will see bow It gets Its fa me - For both ends, you'll see, for a certainty, cer-tainty, Are beyond all dispute the same. There's a head on the end where the tail should be And a head where the tall should not ; So it looks both ways while it swims and plays And It points to no given spot. When It's quite composed, either way It goes. And It goes there quite calmly, too, But when crises come It acts very dumb For it cannot think what to do. It can swim to the left, It can swim to the right And be facing the way It wishes, And either end can see where It's been Which ls not true of other fishes. |