Show A Hole in My Soul Reporting From the Alien Trenches By Nathan Nelson Editorial Editor The results are in and it doesn't i look pretty Since announcing the creation of the watchdog organization Eliminate the Alien Threat EAT I expected people to come flocking by the dozens October 14 edition After all who isn't concerned with the possibility possibility possibility pos pos- that aliens are taking over the planet We earthlings are ripe for the plucking and everyone knows it But to my dismay I didn't receive any interested contacts This doesn't bode well for the future of the school not to mention Mother Earth Last time the alien infiltration question was raised several several several sev sev- eral parties were identified as not originating from our planet Considering no rebuttals came through my office and no students expressed interest in helping stop the takeover I can only assume the roots run deeper than I thought To fully investigate the situation I contacted Student Body President Marla Maria Kennedy who sits right at the top of the list of suspected aliens and asked her to go on record She refused to comment on the subject which obviously means all the rumors are true Interestingly enough I noticed a strange phenomenon While I was speaking to Ms Kennedy I yawned five or six times Immediately afterward afterward afterward after after- ward I was very tired and wanted to take a nap That was the obvious answer The aliens must be transmitting transmitting transmitting transmit transmit- ting some sort of apathy waves This explains a lot Think about all the current social issues The attitude of today's youth Students who really dont don't care about their education Lack of respect for any kind of authority Kids in gangs who dont don't have any qualms about taking another persons person's life Even something as simple as not attending sporting events This has one word written all over it apathy Theres There's more to the whole problem problem problem lem than just what appears on the surface People who have no tion usually have underlying motives for that Scientists have speculated for years on what the problem with Generation X is and why the attitudes attitudes attitudes atti atti- atti- atti tudes seem so detached Television and modem modern technology gy are the usual corrupters of youth The theory being countless hours of instant visual information at the hands of station programmers has left us calloused and unconcerned Some lab-coat lab monkeys have even gone so far as to suggest we the youth are at fault Hey like its it's really really really real real- ly our problem We cant can't help being disrespectful and lazy obviously someone else is to blame This brings us all back to the alien thing After serious research and investigation we can now pinpoint the exact plan to take over the Earth First the aliens come down and introduce modem modern technology to tomake tomake tomake make us lethargic and dependent on machines Second they replace certain certain certain tain powerfully positioned humans with alien look-alikes look programmed to confuse and disinterest us Third they project the apathy beam to continue continue continue con con- and aid all the previous brainwashing brainwashing brainwashing brain brain- washing and finally they invade the planet The aliens are small enough they would normally get knocked around like bowling pins but since nobody cares by then they can just waltz right in and take over Fortunately we have found this out before its it's too late The time to act is now If you have been sucked in by the idea that we are responsible for our own actions then that's a sign the otherworldly forces already have havea a firm grip on your brain Remember and say it over and over ITS IT'S NOT MY FAULT Its It's still not too late to join EAT All applications should include name address telephone number and preferably a short explanation of why youre you're interested Send them to Eliminate the Alien Threat A Hole in My Soul Watchdog Team o c Nathan Nelson at the Horizon offices Regular mail or mail e-mail will both work just fine Join the team join the fight and lets let's get to saving the planet |