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Show llQgy byHickDrough It isn 't a losi ng cause A NOTE FOR LOSING CANDIDATES: Look on the bright side. At least you didn't have to make an ignominious ig-nominious losing speech. Something like this : "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a statement to make. As you know, the TV stations have projected that my opponent op-ponent is so far ahead that if I received the votes of every man, woman and child who ever lived in the city boundaries, including pets my vote total could not catch up to his. "Therefore, I feel it is proper to concede the election. "I want to congratulate him on a hard-fought race. I must admit, he kept up the pace even after the polls two weeks ago showed me with an 86-point lead. "This race showed our democratic process at its finest. Incidentally, although I may have shown a bit too much overconfidence at times, I worked on this race right up to the end. Now, I admit that after the polls two weeks ago showed me with the 86-point lead, I might have alienated some voters by refusing to engage in any more campaign debates and by refusing all campaign interviews. But I felt the issues had been adequately covered by then. "As for the polls that showed me with an 86-point lead if I had it to do over again, I probably would not use a polling organization that could only be reached through a post-office box in Reno. "I honestly regret the campaign ads in which I asserted my opponent was the grand-nephew of Don Vito Corleone. I disavowed those ads as soon as I found out the man was a fictional character. I feel that given the realistic storytelling skills of director Francis Ford Coppola, Cop-pola, it is a mistake anyone could make. "I also hope we have laid to rest the incident during deer-hunting season in which I just happened to chase a buck near the candidate's resort home. In my exhausted state, I honestly did not recognize the candidate's mother. If it would help her to recover, my wife makes a hearty and nutritious venison stew. "I could never have engineered my campaign without the help of many energetic volunteers. This brings me to their behavior on Halloween night. Although their actions ac-tions were meant only in prankish high spirits, let me say I regret their soaping of my opponent's car, toilet-papering toilet-papering his yard and especially their kidnapping his son and holding him overnight in a trunk. "I look forward to helping my opponent's administration administra-tion in any way I can. Although I may have been quoted as saying I would work, for my opponent "when they heave hockey pucks in hell," that statement was taken out of context. I would even be interested in the present city hall opening in the washroom sanitation patrol. Please? "I am about to do some traveling and rest at my summer sum-mer place before I make further decisions on my career. I would like to talk further, but as you can see, the Trailways bus is pulling out. I'm sorry none of my supporters sup-porters could be here for this occasion, but I'm sure they're busy. "In addition, I must say I'm sorry you media folks only on-ly sent one camera to cover me. What? You're not election elec-tion coverage? Wait! I'm not washed up yet! I'll come back... . LATEST NASTY JOKE : Have you heard the popular new drink in Salt Lake is called the White Salamander? You order it if you want to get bombed ! : . From last week's TV listings, we hope you didn't miss this exciting triple feature on the cable channels : MOVIES: "The Strange Love of Martha Ives" "The Howling" "The Children" . i . OK, wives, check your husband's drawers immediately! immediate-ly! Here's why. A recent letter to the Ann Landers column gave a short lesson in a very useful subject: How a single woman can tell whether her guy is married. One surefire clue is that the man has a band of white around his wedding-band finger. This means the fellow takes off his ring before he visits the woman. There are other telltale signs : He may check himself for perfume or lipstick before he leaves you, or he will not let you look at the photos in his wallet because the wife and kiddies are in there. But here is the most unusual clue of all: Look for the kind of shorts he wears. Single men wear bikinis. Married Mar-ried men wear boxer shorts. I never thought of this before. But there's a whole field of study here a science of jockology, if you will. For instance: in-stance: If you're married, but your husband wears bikinis .around you, this means the romance is still fresh for him. Congratulations! If there's a white band around his middle, he's wearing wear-ing a bikini for someone else. Watch out! If he wants to wear your bikini, he's extremely weird. Make no sudden moves and call the police. If you're just living together, but he's already wearing wear-ing boxer shorts, it means he feels that he's hitched to you. Buy a can of Hershey's syrup and some Zorro outfits, out-fits, and try to put a little spice back in the relationship. If he wears a pair of Spiderman Underoos, he needs to grow up. If he doesn't wear underwear, pray he doesn't get in an accident. If he wears Jockey shorts well, nobody cares what those guys do, anyway ! |