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Show I NO MONEY. ifgt "fcV: ' ' ! i "They were to operate on me for appendicitis." ap-pendicitis." "Why didn't they?" "At that most inopportune time 1 failed in business." . Where He Went Lame. Tile professor wns a wise guy. But to save Ills soul When he ate a doughnut, why Ho couldn't save tire hole. He Had Been Stung. "The old way to cure yourself of an attack of love," said the married man, "is to run away." "Why didn't you do that when you were courting the girl you married?" risked the old bachelor. "I did," replied the other, "but 1 made the mistake of taking the girl with me." Change in Style. Mrs. Flatbush How do you like my new dress? Mr. Flatbush Why, is that a new dress? "Certainly It is." "Looks like same material as your last one." "Oh, it's the same material, but it's four inches shorter !" The Limit. Redd Having spent about five hundred thousand dollars for road improvement im-provement and equipment a Swiss company will carry passengers over the Alps in electric automobiles. , Greene Some disheartening, I should say, to see those taxi-meters climb up there. Unsuited. "I don't suppose the submarine will ever become popular with the authors of 'best sellers.' " "Hardly. You see, for obvious reasons, rea-sons, the opportunities for love-making on the deck of a submarine are limited." A Customer Lost. "But, madam, your account is already al-ready overdrawn." "Can't you let me have the money, anyway?" "I'm afraid not." "1 once deposited fifty dollars in this old bank. I'll never patronize it again." More Trouble. Bill A shirt with an adjustable collar col-lar band has been invented. Jill More trouble. Here's a chance not only to lose your collar button but your shirtband with it. Compensations. "This lady lecturer's subject is very dry." "Ah. but just listen to her liquid voice." HIGH-PRICED HOME. "There is no place liKe home." "But it takes the rent to make you realize it." Sense and Sound. In empty sound we still rejoice With feelings strangely proud. The man who has the biggest voice. Can reach the largest crowd. Enough. "My dear, do you want to go to the novies tonight?" "No. I've got enough of the movies. I've been watching two families go out of the block this morning and three ?oming into it." Just Like a Woman. Parker Speaking of secretive people, your friend Hazel is certainly the limit. Aimie What's the explanation? Parker She mailed a souvenir post-?ard post-?ard this morning marked "Personal." WRACKING AN ARTIST'S SOUL. "I understand the noted pianist yoc engaged to play at your reception lefl your house in a hull'." "So he did," replied Mr. Dubwalte. "1 can't imagine what was the matter with the fellow." "Perhaps he was offended in some way." "Nonsense! While he was resting from his labors at the piano I thought it a good idea to enlenain the guests with a few ragtime selections on the phonograph. 1 had hardly started the first one when he ripped out some sort of foreign iath, clapped his hands to his ears and lied." Agreeably Surprised. "I noticed you didn't applaud when the American (lug was thrown on the screen." "That was not due to a lack of patriotism." pa-triotism." "No?" "I've heard so much lately about 'Old Glory' being trailed in the dust that I was simply dumfounded to see how fresh and clean It looked." No References. Willis The new cook is a jewel, dea r. Mrs. Willis Yes. but I'm afraid that I must discharge her. Willis What's the matter? Mrs. Willis I'm suspicious of her. I went to the library this afternoon and spent three hours in the reference room and couldn't find any of hers. Judge. PROOF POSITIVE. "Has the doctor a large practice?" "So large that when people have nothing the matter with them he tells them so." The Legislator. He doesn't care if they raise the fare, He'll be happy anyway If they'll Just increase his mileage Which the people pay. His Lack. "The new fellow in the bookkeeping bookkeep-ing department is quite an amateur juggler." "Don't believe it. Why, he can't even balance an account." A Need. "There is certainly one addition they ought to have to the weather office." of-fice." "What's that?" "A clearing house." Sense of Humor. "You seldom laugh. You have no sense of humor." "I have a sufficient sense of humor," said Miss Cayenne, "to recognize when it is time not to laugh." Hopeless Case. "What's that thing, doc?" "That's a medicine ball I brought you." , "Then I'm afraid tha- is no hope for me." "Why not?" "I never can swallow that."-Youngs-town Telegram. Natural Result "Smythe is a live wire." "He touched me thn morning for ten dollars." "With what result?" "I was shocked." Business Methods. "I suppose this suburban villa belongs be-longs to a banker." "How did you know that?" "I notice all the vines in it are runners." Fairy Tales. Mrs. Bacon King Solomon mvst have been some story-teller, don't yci think? Mr. Bacon Why so? "Look at all the wives be had 1 Thought Stimulation. "My speech is going to set a lot of people thinking," remarked the orator. "Yes," rejoined Senator Sorghum; "but are they going to think the way you are trying to make them think they ought to think." Rural Epicures. Customer But isn't two dollars an awful price for a chicken? Dealer Not for a suburban chicken, sir. Why, everyone of these fowls was raised on flower seeds that cost fifty cents per package. |