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Show HThLPhillipr V THOUGHTS AT THE CLOSE OF SUMMER The summer season is closing, and the great American public has only a few weeks .,. more in which to: f JtCjyCpf 1 Get its dis- y comforts away from home. b",,Vk5v-ir 2 Sleep on a U! 33?f'S mattress stuffed "jf Jfc with anthracite tjr a--t coalin a bed that ' FT. is a souvenir of the metal industry at its worst 3 Become accustomed to mosquitoes mos-quitoes in bedrooms, crickets in the closets, hornets in the sun porch, ants in the table linen and spiders all over the premises. 4 Drive from 100 to 500 miles in an overloaded flivver with poor rS -y'i 1 brakes, no sun- shield, one de-5atj4 de-5atj4 fective headlight ?W sS and a constant jf aroma of some-lp' some-lp' Zf"" thing burning. j4T' J Spend days i at a time in heat- - - -1 e(j arguments over what the road signs mean. ... 6 Tour through endless miles of hot-dog, gasoline, tourist camp and souvenir doggie-and-doll zones in the insane belief that it all comes under the head of enjoying scenery. 7 Waste hours in country barns displaying "Antiques" signs so the little woman can look at spinning wheels she doesn't want, ox yokes she can't possibly use and early American shaving mugs that don't mean a thing to her. 8 Learn what America's doctors are prescribing for belly-ache this summer. .wmum u . 9 Spend two fi-u" or three terrible hjjsjrefo" nights in those 3254 piano boxes SCoBar' known as tourist STnr pSE camp cottages. slU 10 Determine how much the hu- man system can endure in the matter mat-ter of steamed clams, fried clams, clam fritters and clam chowder, not to mention lobsters, crabs, cucumber cucum-ber salads and the strange fish native na-tive to stranger communities. 11 Pursue the search for a hotel, lunchroom, drug store or drink foun- , tain that doesn't "Z7i II t cu' its orange t3Ssfl I juice down to a JjM W JlS point where it fvj ffvT"ij might more prop-B-jLn 3V. erly be labeled rilll! "Hydrant Juice." -mjJ-t-tTjT ' 12 Sample ' some of the world's worst coffee. 13 Find out where the worst chefs go in summer. 14 Make the annual discovery that there is no sense in trying to get any salt from a salt cellar at a shore resort. 15 Discover that a change in courses makes no difference in your golf game. 16 Find out that 97 per cent of the instantaneous hot-water systems in the rural districts are out of order. or-der. 17 Observe once again that not one cook in a'thousand can fry an egg without burning the bottom until un-til the whole thing tastes like something some-thing cut from a hot brake band. 18 Experience incredible difficulty difficul-ty getting a room that is not located directly over the , . hotel garage, a ; . jl? new federal proj- Jjgamxp'-i ect involving W'J steam shovels on n J a night shift, or ' 1'3 one flight over J I J&j the ballroom i-e f3 I where the worst orchestra in North America has been engaged for the summer season. sea-son. THE MAIN CONCERN With problems high and mighty, To seize this world and shake it. The question day and nighty Is, "Will the Yankees make it?" ... Night harness racing is to be held for 30 nights on the track built for auto speed racing on Long Island. A million dollars was sunk at this track to make it a motor speedway, and if the horses don't do so well you can attribute it to a major outbreak out-break of what is known as the horse laugh. ... Thumbnail description by R. Roe-lofs Roe-lofs Jr. "She loved beauty . . . and was never without a mirror." ... Overheard by Seymour: "She must be a telephone girl; I said 'Hello' to her twice and got no answer." an-swer." . TO LI HUNG GILES Me no care what Confucius say, Eut still ... me lissen, anywayl Majorie Lederer. Elmer Twitchell would like to see a Gallup Poll taken to see whether there should be any more Gallop Polls. Add similes: As bored looking as a member of a night club Hawaiian orchestra singing the words of a native na-tive love song. |