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Show MUFFLED KNOCKS. "You don't know how I enjoy bearing bear-ing you talk on art, Mrs. Foiby; tt'a better than koIdk to a minstrel show." "Tell me where you buy your cigars, old chap. I'd like to pass by there some day." "Yea, Indeed, Mra. HlgbsoraSi I think you're quite good enough to vote. All you need la aome knowledge of politics." "1 want to apologlie, Chucksley, foi having called you a red beaded lgno ramua; I aee your hair la nearly black." "I waa Juat going out, Mra. Kawlur. but I'll be glad to have you coma to and atay a minute or o." HELPINQ THE CAUSE. -A drummer." said Medlll McCor-mlck. McCor-mlck. "waa waiting at Nola Cbucky for the Southern Cannonball Limited. The train crawled In at last nine houra late a ratnahackle, clattering thing, aa rldlculoua aa an old faahlon ed high-wheeled bicycle. "The drummer got aboard. There seemed to be only one other paaaen-ger. paaaen-ger. The locomotive booted, the bell clanged, the wheels apun around, and ateain blated, but the train failed to moTS. Then there were more hoota, more pufTa and htasea. and attU the train didn't budge. Finally, after a third vain effort, the engineer got down and ahouted to the paaaengers. whoae heada atuck anxiously out of their reapective wlndowa: "'Bay, I'll have to aik you two genu to climb off till I get her atarted!'" atart-ed!'" New York Tribune. Literature. Friend Make any money on your laat novel? Author You bet! I aold that description de-scription of the PaHaadne In chapter three to the Quick Line railroad for $5,000; my tribute to the Fleeter de Pari a hotel In New York, chapter ten, brought me $3,000 from the hotel people, peo-ple, and the United Resorts, Ltd., paid me another thousand for my rhapaodv on the aunaet in the Wampegong mountalna, chapter thirty,, where the hero takea her in his arma. What's left of It I think I can boll down Into a Bhort atory and make a ten-apot on Puck. No Solace There. "My favorite football team," complained com-plained the gridiron enthusiast, "la losing right along thla season." "Well." aald the baseball enthusiast, "it la alwaya better to do your loaing early In the aeaaon." 1 "I know that axiom goea gocd in baseball, but ws'vs got such a darn short season." WHICHt "Don't you think Shakespeare Smith, the poet, has an Interestingly mournful expression?" "Sure! I wonder If It Is reused by dyspepsia, due to overeating, or an mla, due to lack of food? TRUE TO HER WORD. 1 "Didn't Daisy tell you she was going 1 to treat Jack real mean when hi 1 ealled?" "Tee." "Well, she sang for him all even- Ing." ' "My. oh. my! He didn't dsservi ' that brutality." Woofl The men who mk lha "eirly" show I'o nut do thin by halve.; Th.r atr milkmaid rhnru. so That It can ahow tla calve.. Beating the Cams. "Yes, sir," smiled Mr. TytePhlsi, who waa In a reminiscent mood, "when I waa a youngster they played that old trick on me. The other boys got me out in the woods one dark night to hunt snipe." 'And they told you to bold the sack while they went off and drove the snipe into It" said one of the listeners. listen-ers. . "That's right I stayed there blamed blam-ed near all night, too. But they didn't get ahead of me, juat the same, I beat 'em at their own game." "How was thatr "I kept the aack, by gum!" W Care of Children. "Willie, did you carry your books on the left slds this morning?" demanded de-manded mother. "Yes'm." ' "Very well. Now, don't forget to carry them on tho right side Monday morning." "What difference does it maker growled dad. i "That ahows what kind of a father you are," snapped mother. "If the child dldnt alternate, he might get curvature of the spine." Just Words. Tbs Agent Then well consider that settled. The Actor But er what about i the contract? f The Agent Oh, that's all rlzht! A I verbal contractu do. Tho Actor Laddie, listen. Tho laat time I had a verbal contract I '. drew a verbal salary! London Opinion. Opin-ion. -i ; , . Ttr- ' -3. tfe CerC.'.-:.,,. ..... , A i sli-'Ty'M convention 1 -Ilaltlmore last sammer two of Cm ear geants-at arms were Ohloasx CJ. ? f. Bole n of Toledo and C"i,. ; Dewtiac t Dayton. Dolan U V-d ;x ' " who laid down the maxim that "anny man who parts his hair 1a Ue middle .. is no DImmycrat' " v 4 " ' , When Cardinal Gibbons had finish- ' ed the opening prayer, he da4ed from the rostrum end made bla way . , toward the door. Aa he Beared the exit where the twe Oh loans were guard, Bo lan whispered: . "Joe, touch him whin he paaaes- "AH right, eotene'." replied Dowllng. with an innocent air. "What pocket has be get A in?" Popular Maga- ' -tins. ot Stove baseball Is a great spor , and nobody gta hoarse cheering It . . - It win be funny If the huge cotton crop does not make silk skirts cheaper. ! . A contemporary aays there are 1,000 P"ts In this country. Who supports 'em? Its Pscs. "So time runs Its race?" ,' "Yss, in the laps of years."" Live and let lire Is a poor motto for butchers. ' It's tough on the society bud who marries a blooming Idiot HIS ONE FAULT. i" 11,1 " li ii " I "Is your husband a good man?" " , "Yes; he's a good man. I cant complain. But he always aneaks out whenever the clergyman calls." Mark' Twain and T. R. Augustus Thomas, the playwright, kept the mirth alive with story after story. One had reference to a gams In which the players, so Mr. Thomaa said, were Colonel Roosevelt, the late Mark Twain and himself. "In tbs course of the game Colonel Roosevelt talked much of war." said Mr. Thomaa. "And I remember him turning to Mnrk Twain and asking htm if It were true that the bravest men were nervous when they faced tbs enemy, and Mark Twain, being an old confederate soldier, replied: 'Yes, that la quite true, for I remember remem-ber vividly to this day that I bad tbe quality of maintaining It all through the engagement' "New York Sun. Breath Was "Out of Place." Tape took Harry to the country to visit his grandparenta. They lived a short distance from tbs village where the train stopped. Harry Insisted on running aa they approached the home of his grandparenta. They bad not gone far. however, until Harry's breath waa coming In Bhort JerkB and be could hardly talk. "Walt wall a minute papa." h gasped "What's the matter, boo? asked tbe father. "My--breath la all out of place." gasped tbe little fellow. Mr. Wlaaliiaw Bwnalaa rrp foe ttUdrve SwtSlae. eofim th gam. r4irr. Mm. aila. pmtm.r ta4 w.Sbca Wui. 4 It doesn't take the man who thinks he knows It all very long to tell how little he really knows. ' Borne of the charity that begins at home Isn't worth maklr.g a fasa a belt ALL THE MOTORIST SAW. Parker Tell me about Swltaerlaud - romantic Swltterland. Darker Well, there are a few bad t places aa you come down tbe moua tains, but tn the main th roads are pretty good. ' Paradoxical. ' 1 watch.d a slrl upon the street And marv.led aa aha wobbl.d , How aha could beat It, as aha did. And yat ba atraJghUr hobbled. - 1 Classifying Him. 1 "Brother Hardeaty, can't you mak your contribution for tbe education ol the heathen a little larger than usual this year?" ' "Dr. Goodman, I'm mors than dou bling It; I have Just started thai youngest boy of mine to college." ' Sophisticated. "You haven't naked me if yon an the only girl I have ever klased." 9 Tt is not neceesary." "You know you are, eh?" "No, I know I'm not You don't klai like an amateur. But you have not naked me If you are the first man 1 9 have ever permitted to klas ms." "No, that Un't neceesary, either." f. Agreed. a "When one reads of unsanitary be r keries. this question of borne madi i, bread becomes a weighty one." h "It Is weighty, Indeed, if your wlfs r undertakes to make It" , A Need. "There ought to be aome plact . where people can be treated wbfl I think tbey are actors." I "Welt there sre plenty of placet where they cure hams." a His End. j "Jinks had a perfect craxe for an j tlquee" "Perhaps be had. but be need nol have carried his mania so far ss tc e save married one " Seems te Knew Dibble. "Dibble says be met a girl yester day with such glorious eyes that b has been quite daffy ever alnec." T waa under tbe Impression that It dated hack much farther thai ' that" "What are yon talking aboutr t- "Dtbble's er daffyhood." Sympathy and a Knock. "I'm so sorry for Mrs. Oreen." "Whyr "She has so much trouble, pool thing, and It's all her tn fault, toe. Not Mlaaed. An4 wha paalml.t lca oat. I Dralaa llfa'a Uat drnv aad droaa tka cup. Thm Kola ka laa.aa la Ilka the hoia I Thay put hint la. 11a aooa Bit wp. I Literary Csnfldencee. Percollum It e so light lob. let me tell yon, to write a descriptive poem 1400 words long, even about a gold ea wedding. When I had finished this one, old chap. I was all la. Regsleff (looking It over) Well r comrade, that's more than ever will ' happen to tho poem. |