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Show A Canagea Man "It's funny how marriage eh sag a Dan," said Spriggs' taller. "Tea," replied Spriggs, dreamily. "Il ased to be that I was devoted to baseball base-ball and football and basketball, an now I give all my spare time to bayi bawl,"and he arose hurriedly and went Into the adjoining room. Detrott Free Press. OREEN AND THE SIGN, 'y A lAw af Souad. Have you any intention of retaliating retaliat-ing for the harsh epithets used by that enemy of yours?" "Well," answered the man who Is too serious to be always sincere, "I hate to let him have the last word. And neither of us wants to be so un-geutlemanly un-geutlemanly as to fight So, if he will agree, I think we will get a couple of phonographs and each make a record of what is on his mind. Then we'll set the machine so as to make It repeat, start it going, lock th door, and let the talking match go on indefinitely, while we attend to business." Washington Wash-ington Star. A Blessing In DUgsUev "I supposed you are greatly displeased dis-pleased with my daughter's pianoforte practicing. It mutt annoy you dreadfully dread-fully the flat has such thin walls." "Well. no. I have no wish to condemn con-demn your daughter's practicing. It has been the direct cause of my wife and I taking a great deal of very beneficial bene-ficial outdoor exercise." Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Start la life. "Self-esteem Is a great thing In this life." remarked the man who is disposed dis-posed to be cynical. "It Is." answered the philosopher. "Some great successes have had very small beginnings, and the man who thoroughly esteems himself can be sure of having at least ons good hustler la kls Interests." Ia the Harare at aa Axiom. Philosopher "And now.after having reviewed all philosophy with you, there Is only one law that I can lay down for your guidance." Student "What is that?" Philosopher "When yon are sure you are right, you should suspect that you are wrong." Ufa. ' Hot a Power. "Have you never had an ambition to take rank among the Euiopean powers?" "No," answered the sultan of Turkey, Tur-key, "my government Is perfectly content con-tent to drift along and be tolerated as one of Europe's little weaknesses." Washington Star. Farmer Green (looking at the sable sign) "Not on your life. Them denies bunco chaps won't find me so easy. My valise 1 goin' to stay snet. by gum." Bnterprtee. I tell you Blacktie is an energette. up-to-date managing editor!" "What has he done now?" "Sent the office boy around to all tfce photograph galleries to see If ks couldn't get a recent picture ot Cos tuclus." Cleveland Plain Dealer. flora Sign. "Tea, baby looks like his papa," said the proud young mamma. "I'm sure he'll have a nose like him." "Tes." replied the temperance lady from next door, "you give the little one gin for the colic, I understand." Philadelphia Press. Trying to Hake Amend Mother "I noticed that your husband hus-band put five dollars in the plate at church this morning." Daughter "Yes; I noticed it. too. He must have done an awfully mean thing in business to somebody last week." I .eft tba Doctor In Doubt, Dr. Jones "My dear sir, I have Just fy been to call on your wife's mother, and her condition is very serious." Smith ""Tell me the plain truth, doctor. Am I to fear for the best, or hope for the worst?" Brooklyn Life. Hakes a Difference. "Don't you dare kiss me," she said, warningly. "Why, I wasn't thinking of suck a thing," he said. "Well, I was." she replied, flrmly-Answers. flrmly-Answers. Sending for the Wrong Htm. Mrs. Shadyside "It's awfully dnS here without any men." Mrs. Fastlope "Isn't it? I've decided decid-ed to send for my husband." Mrs. Shadyside "But what good win that do?" Better. "You contend that oleomargarine hv just as good as butter, don't you?" "It's better," answered the dealer without hesitation. "It pays several times the profit" Washington Star. The Church Attendance Problem. Misunderstood the Term. "I thought you were good swimmer, swim-mer, major?" "What made you think that? I can hardly swim a stroke?" . "Why, I overheard Capt Flash tell papa yesterday that you and he had fairly swum in it somewhere!" Certainly Well Informed. "Is the correspondent of that publication publi-cation a well-informed man?" "I should say so," was the answer. "Half the time he's the only person in the world who knows whether what he tells is true or not" Washington Star. WoridtlDeM of the Godly. Deacon Goode "They 6ay your son has been very successful in the ministry." min-istry." the Practical Man "He has that" Deacon Goode "He has brought about a great many conversions." The Practical Man "I don't know anything about that. He has accepted three calls within eighteen months and got a big raise each time." Boston Transcript WHY WILLIE STAYS. 'm M.m in "Yes, at our church they pass the plate every other Sunday." "I suppose that accounts for your going to church only half the time." Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Masterpiece of Nothingness. "Confidentially," said the statesman, "I wrote that plank in the platform." "I congratulate you," said his friend, heartily. "I read it over three times, and I'm blest if it commits the party to anything!" Puck. In the Sanctum. Copyreader "Here's a four-column story on germs in drinking water. What shall I do with it?" Editor "Kill the germs." Copyreader "Kill the germs?" Editor "Yes; boil it down." Syracuse Syra-cuse Herald. Very Likely. Householder "Do you know I sometimes some-times think that gas meter cheats me?" Gasman "Well, what of it? Would, n't you cheat the meter if you knew. ' how to do it?" Boston Transcript. Quite an Ordinary. Man. "Xb he a man of much caliber?" "No; just an old-fashioned smooth, bore." Judge P'" Mother "Why don't you go out.Wil-11a, out.Wil-11a, and play with Sammy Jones?" Willie "I played with Sammy Jones yesterday and I don't s'pose he's well enough yet to get out." ' Always Made That Way. "Will you meet me here at four o'clock?" asked the office cat. "I oont think I can." replied the dock. "How about half-past six, then?" "Ob, I can make that, hands down." Philadelphia Press. |
