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Show THAT REMINDS ME- j He So vou won't kiss and make up? She Well, I won't make up. Life. Teacher Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Dot On the tabie. Chicago Tribune. "And so thev have made up their quarrel?" quar-rel?" "Oh. ves! As soon as she saw she was wrong she concluded to accept his apol-I apol-I ogy." Puck. "Well, all the scholars can't be first, you know." "Oh. no! Onlv one can be first, and the others can make believe they don't care." Puck. The Dad r trust you haven't contracted debts at college, my son. The Son They are scarcely contracted, father. Harvard Lampoon. She I want you to sec my new piano the next time you call. He When do you expect to get it? She Oh, in about six months. Chicago Daily News. Visitor Lady Evelyn tells me, Dan'l, that you have had four wives. Dan'l (proudly) 'Ess. zur, I 'ave an' what's more, two of 'em was good 'uns! Punch. Customer to Palmist. Five dollars fee? Ei-.would you have any objection to wa'.ting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me? Brooklyn Life. Jane Judy had to go back to the res- j cue. Kate What for? Jane Oh, she got a collapse, going round telling everybody how much good it did her. Detroitree Press. "He's a very fast young man." "Not at all." "Evidently you don't know how he spends money." "Well. I know how he returns what he borrows." Philadelphia Press. "You frankly confess that your novel failed because of a lack of literary skill?" "I do." answered the author. The man who wrote the advertisements was no good." Washington Star. . Blowhard My ancestors had blue blood in their veins. Blffer Too bad! I suppose there weren't so many blood purifiers on the market In those days as there are now. Ohio State Journaj Diggs Say, I thought you always claimed to be a man of intelligence? Biggs You have said it. Diggs Then how do you explain the fact that you were called to serve on a jury last week? Chicago Daily News. B.oggs So vou're a poet, eh? D'ye know I'm gettin' so I take quite an interest in poetiry. The Poet Indeed! Boggs Yes, there ain't nothin' I enjoy more . than readin' them advertisements in the street cars. Philadelphia Press. "What are those, mamma?" asked the little girl as they stopped before a stall in the market. "Horseradishes, my dear," responded the statelv woman with the basket. "Oh! And are the little ones coltrad-ishes, coltrad-ishes, mam ma?" Chicago Daily News. "These fashions," said the Bilville matron, mat-ron, 'air mighty hard to foller!" "Why, what's the trouble now?" "Jane's got a new muslin an' a flowered caliker, an' to save me I don't know which one she orter wear to the hangin'!" Atlanta Constitutkm Like Stealing the Money. First Artist A Mr Struckoybe offered Dobley a thousand thou-sand dollars for his picture yesterday. Second Artist And didn't he grab it? First Artist no; ne saia ne waniea time to consider. Second Artist Poor fool! To let his conscience trouble hm like that! Punch. Mrs. Hicksy (whet is entertaining her little son's playmate;, aged 5, to dinner) Willie, can you cut .your own meat? Willie (who is strt ggling with a piece on his plate) Yes, uhank you (with a desperate saw at the beef). I've cut quite as tough meat as this at home. Glasgow Evening Times. Neighbor's Boy Ma iaid she'd lick me if I didn't ask your forgiveness. She s watching me from the window, so out with it, or I'll thump yiu when I catch i you alone. , ., 1 Our Boy Well. I'll forgive you till my big brother gets home, and then of you know when you're well off you 11 stay mighty close' to your o(wn house. 1 1t-Bits. 1t-Bits. jU(3geYou are charged, with the murder mur-der of this man, one who -Vas one of your most intimate friends. Have you anything any-thing to sav in defense? Prisoner You see, it was this way your I honor. He had been to a vaudeville show, and he was about to tell me some of the Jokes he heard there- juage You are discharged. I have a friend who frequents trie vaudeville houses. Come and see me; come as often ! as you can. Boston Transcript. THE WOODS OF y'ENN. In a ' Philadelphia kindergarten a teacher was telling the little children about a clock. "Now, this, f she said is the pendulum this thing I that swings back and forth. Did any of Vou ever hear the word 'pendulum' before? A child put up her -hand.- -''Yes, .teacher, she said. "Pendulum Franklin. I've heard it often." j SOME COMPLETE PROVERBS. 1 "What costs nothing is) worth nothing." noth-ing." which is also true of ) much which costs much. j ..... ,t , 2. "True love never grows old, it is usually killed. by JtP mother infancy . 3. "Beware of the widder, but still more of the ingenue. ' 4 "Opportunity knocks o ncentNevery ma'n's door," but often makes surer-ihe man is out before knocking. 5 "Man s greatest strength is shown in standing still," and lettifng others hustle hus-tle for him. J 6. "Everything comes Vo the man who wait " except that for Which he waits. 7. "The exception prov.es the rule" we want it to prove. J 8 "Virtue is us ownr "u nmy reward." re-ward." L. de V. Mattjhewman, in the May Era. j A C,OODmArGIN. ! "Don't vou find it very trying." she asked the'great man. Tto have to furnish your autograph to sb many persistent Oh6 no," he answefred. "Most of them send stamps, and I return the autograph on a postal card." hlcago Record-Her- ald- -.. .;...JbL-. : CONGRESSIONAL AMENITIES. In discussing appropriations for the department de-partment of agriculture the other dayi a . , .. . The speaker turned .slowly or .the ques-j ques-j tioner and answered in a tone of sur ' l"Whv thev all know but you." The roar of laughter that SJ sully was sufficient to an ordinary man. but with stubborn res olution the member recur ed to the charge and repeated un"'irnpa- The speaker, waving his han.l imp.i tiently. cried: , ... , infi "When I have more time I will to furnish the gentleman the ne' formation." and went on with his speecn. New Century. |