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Show jntltihien. ‘May 1997 learn the proper precautions. \ Heavy Metal/Hip Hop. Last month we pile found the ideal camping spot in Moab: beautiful scenery, remote location, flat ground, no coyotes. Sometime after we bed down, however, the mellifluous harmonies of Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, (or was it White Lion? I ing. We’ ve simply been the victims of unbelievably bad luck, to the point where I’m ques- music selection ran out, there was blissful silence. tioning the coincidence of it. ? ve compiled a list of some of my favorite culprits of our somnambulance, or Things They Didn’t Tell You About In Camping School: Coyotes. I learned about these on our very first camping trip. Just when we’d found the perfect secluded site in Moab and lilted into blissful slumber, the coyotes began a baying competition. This, For about twenty minutes. That’s when the subwoofer-enhanced house rap kicked in from the other end of the canyon. Notorious B.I.G. and his in her body, went ballistic and raced around I prowled the area with an ax handle, screaming the perfunctory “Shut the F#$% up!” till I was hoarse, but to no avail. Three days later, when we were finally calm enough to discuss it, we voted that “C’mon Feel the Noise!” was the best single, and Megadeath won the award for loudest vocalists. These examples are only the more racy obstacles to our camping trips; we’ ve had plenty of mundane, if no less irksome, bumps in our Appalachian trail. Since I value our relationship and Angie’s avoca- Uneven Through it all, however, I'll never forget that shin- living in a Mongolian-style yurt in the backwoods Angie’s equipment arsenal lacks is an inclinometer, of Vermont: no and once despite our best eyeballing we pitched our tent on a tiny slope. My sleeping bag, slick as mercury on a Teflon pan, slid me incessantly into the far corner of the tent. Good luge practice; lousy sleeping conditions. Sleep total: three fitful hours. Traffic. No matter how es into the boonies COLL electricity, no OLLI running e Cec LLL)8 ie water, no telephone. We stayed warm in winter with a sodinsulated roof and bearskin rugs, and when nature called we grabbed the infamous “piss-pot.” Thankfully the novelty wore off after the Vietnam _ skirmish ended, and we moved to a more civilized -habitat. By this time I was no stranger to hardship. Before I met Angie, most of my camping had been haphazardly planned and enacted: I slept rolled up in my windsurfing sails like a burrito, or in my Car, or even once in a pile of leaves for warmth. Though I lacked the proper camping equipment because of poor funding, in those days I always managed to sleep like a baby. When we packed for our first overnight excursion, _Iknew Angie was the real McCoy. Her list of camping equipment read like the inventory of The Backcountry Store (www.bcstore.com). I saw vari- ous camp stoves, Therm-a-rests, multiple tents, water purifiers, different even a sized portable Cappuccino machine (there are some creature com- campground. you drive to find a remote One site, others thing bumble along with an open mind, and I won't cancel my subscription to Outside Magazine. There's plenty of time left for poison ivy, floods, Grizzlies, earthquakes, snakebite, dysentery, or forest fires. ing light ablaze over at Motel 6. | - DE eater - tion more than a good night’s rest, I’ll continue to previous to a deep nights rest the darkness in full fury, making Cujo seem like a docile house pet. The coyotes left just before sunrise; Jesse’s vigilance ended shortly thereafter. Sleep Tally: two hours. 2 T a watchdogful-bone sunrise. ne exhibited filled our ears until pore in and of itself, tore us awake. Then our golden retriever Jesse, who has never contemporaries ig Pte tetten, Ratt, and Whitesnake ~ always confuse them) came blasting from somewhere out of our visual screen. The red rock of Moab has similar acoustic qualities with Red Rocks Amphitheater. When the metalheads’ beer and/or nanan one 5 ot statiseverycamp- ’ ‘ siahes ate I haven’ t slept we a ies them. That’s a big donut hole-for-12 for you ticians. I’m not blaming Angie; she’s done thing under the sun to facilitate comfortable 4 meet ’ ended because my lifestyle was too outdoorsy [Ed. note: What!?]; in Angie I had apparently met my match. Ten months and several camping trips later, however, I’m not so sure about the Great Outdoors. I’m starting to feel about camping as I assume Noah did about boating. Our explorations away from civilization and our King-size four-poster have tested our relationship and my sanity, as anything that could have gone wrong pretty much has. Contrary to popular belief, I’m no Sidiioe The scion of hippie parents, I spent my formative years LEARNING TO LOVE THE OUTDOORS... ONE NIGHT AT A TIME meetmagttheattine tify her winter trip up Mt. Rainier, and at the time I thought it was pretty cool. Past relationships had will drive just as far. They will stop their car inch- es from your tent, high beams blazing, to ascertain if it’s real or will happen not once per night. They will like Michael Andretti an optical illusion. This but at least four times then rev their engines on the pole, and haul balls out of there. I figure this is a backup in _case the headlights didn’t wake you. Inclement weather. It may be crystal clear when you hit the hay with an unparalleled view of the Milky Way, Hale-Bopp, the Mothership (bill of lading: 39 web design- ers); that doesn’t mean rain, wind, hail, a heat forts even she’s not willing to part with!). I figured wave, a cold snap, or a tornado won’t turn I’d just ride on her coattails, bow in deference to her expertise, and become the next Grizzly Adams. As the tally stands now, we’ve camped twelve your comfy nest into a maelstrom of sleepless perdition. Your winter bag will be too hot, your summer bag will prove insufficient, Page5 @ The tail light and tailgate handle for your 8795 Nissan Truck ~@ Your left window regulator for _ your 84-88 Toyota Truck ...PLUS a humonguous collection of parts for other vehicles with more arriving ea (USED AUTO & TRUCK PARTS WERE BUYING CARS & TRUCKS THAT HAVE BEEN TOTALED. CALL 801-973-6234 or 1-800-286-6234 eit she told me about Tees Dhinenehemetinte tient tindtedilinetnetacttnat tnt ettintatittae about it on our first date, when leak like tornado, of the renting trip to pie your waterproof tent will a colander. Excepting the we’ve experienced all above; I’m thinking of Twister before our next _ My girlfriend Angie has a camping Jones. I learned |