| Show Live LongerMetterWise After one year-sev- en years-2- 0 a lifetime years-f- or 0 Tr Keep Jinumacy SIO VV - -- 't- 4 —: r '104V "' 1 i ' ! 1 -- ' - 4000-- - l't ' ' 0 ) -- -- 1 I - ' f ) ''' ' '''''141 - 1 f ' ' 6 4 rs:--' '7 ' I :51 3"'i 'F' N A A ' "4-'- '' i 1' ' '(14 4 - " 44 t It' - I " ' t 44 vacy invasion and isolation Some couples pull each other so close and share so many secrets that they suffer emotional claustrophobia Except for things like a serious past illness a current infection or a legal problem think twice before telling all Your fantasies about others and past exploits may be forgiven but never forgotten Be guided by consideration and respect for your partner's feelings—and by common sense Tears 5 to 10: These Finding time make real while our clothes are still on That means eye contact while our partner is talking no judging moralizing or psychoanalyzing afterward Once you've revitalized emotional intimacy put the life back into sexual intimacy Try teen sex (make out in the back of your car) dating sex (meet for cocktails first) romantic sex (build a fire and roll around on the rug) Get the idea? Move back to move forward Men: Use your voice You get turned on by what you see for women it's what they hear So whis- - 2 isl zrJ 71 are the years we choices with real consequences The business of daily life including earn- : 2 ing a living is more than enough work If parenting t also has begun trying to I' keep sexual intimacy alive may seem too much So Let no one lead: don't think of it as extra Both should speak partners work Think of intimacy their tabula about their needs as an island of pleasure a cardiovascular workout an increase in neurotransmitters that act as natural - ::" - - Allititt4 141 li 4 0 I 27f 144'417 ' r° ' Al live 1 lerear L ' ' '' 11°"-"- - 0 painantidepressants killers and stimulants a chance to be sensual to 4 et e4 of 30 years Jack Fleishman 58 and Sandy 52 of Wellesley Together above and at right Their secret "Be supportive and caring and it only gets better" wife Mass BY DR GEORGIA WV' er - wino THIS WORLD OF MORE than 5 billion people you and your loved one found each oth- er That's the easy part As a clinical psychologist and pro- fessor specializing in therapy for couples I know that the hard part is staying in love— that is keeping intimacy alive even growing closer—through the years And I also know the secret of couples both married and not who succeed: It's their stubborn determination to stay sexually and emotionally intimate with one another through changes and challenges But nobody says it's easy! Do love relationships have life cycles of their own no matter our age? Can one predict and prepare for what comes next? Can we keep intimacy alive? The hundreds of couples I have interviewed over the past decade say "Yes!" Here's how IIN Year is The honeymoon For these couples intimacy means sex Frequency and intensity are high and more than 90 of newly married couples say they are satisfied But beware of commitment shock! Constant contact magnifies conflicts The similarities that were a source of delight during dating are now eclipsed by differences—obvious inescapable differences: She wants more emotional intimacy with their sex he wants more experimental sex with their intimacy She wants to talk about feelings he wants to talk politics So learn each other's language! Ask for what you need and explain what you mean Don't wait for your partner to de- velop mental telepathy—speak your mind This will give your partner cit permission to do the same impli- Years 2 to 5: A BalancingAot Sex is more familiar now this is the time to fine-tun- e foreplay Emotional intimacy on the other hand is challenged by a need to balance and pri self-disclos- A ' Years 5 to 10 PPP!4?0 Tears 20 to 30: The dangerous dec- ade Just when you least expect it interest in ro- mance begins to climb again Most women are 'I hand-in-ha- 1 years 10 to 20 con-yo- role-playi- sex-thera- 4 full arousal So help him relearn the fun of foreplay -- PAGE 1 letting her hear the sounds of your love Women: Most men don't know that with every passing year they need more direct physical stimulation for now launching their children or am childless work ''''fx ing outside the home and ' -time! Make dates with p meeting new people They tt know their bodies and ea- each other At the very '44' least therapists suggest joy physical intimacy To Ws these women menopause that you schedule the 1 time for each is an inconvenience not a challenge to find "bare minimum"-- 1() other Let love be'your escape! a tragedy few confuse minutes of face-to-fawith de- talk fertility with sexuality In fenses down (and clothes fact the only physical 1 1 off) every night Repeat change that directly im- what you hear to show pacts on sex is vaginal 4 you're listening and make 1 dryness easily managed no sexual demands Cud- - - ' i with a sexual lubricant or : die snuggle and massage vaginal moisturizer each other instead Start Men on the other hand 7 with affection and you experience a midlife may i ' : 1 crisis with its shock of ag- may end up with sex too Tears 10to 201 Be mg fear of dying and a ware of boredom! It preoccupation with sexu ) al functioning—with creeps in and leaves cou- - ft's boring to play spouse So Erections seem less cem ples with unpunctuated ing fife back into sexuality routines and mechanical spontaneous orgasms less We stop talking when we intense and both more vulnerable to alare vertical and stop touching when we cohol stress medications and fatigue are horizontal We make excuses instead So beware the affair! It may seem an of making things better because we be- exciting quick fix but consider the conlieve that boredom is inevitable It isn't! sequences before not after you stray: the Dr William Masters and Virginia potential loss of your loved one and the Johnson sex researchers and possibility that your "better offer" may pioneers tell us that good sex begins disappear if you become available Besides feel loved and express love Don't wait for left-ov- ) per "sweet somethings" - — 12 APRIL 4 1993 PARADE MAGAZINE |
