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Show Wednesday, September 24, 1997 Page 3 Flu isn’t as bad as it once was,butit’s still no fun Capitol ideas by Ed Julius WestEdition times. I knew when my turn rolled You'll please excuse meif I inter- Ene I was lookingat doublefig- Tuptthis column from timeto time to dashto the bathroom.I havethe flu. There are apparentlytwokinds of Kornheiser annoying dryness and a gagging sensation, and eventually spreads to your head, your chest, your back and your legs — nothing you need the Persian Gulf. Whynot Federal aches, tiredness, sneezing, a voice like Baba Wawa and an overwhelm- through your pores, and you hear yourself say, “bgggawwkk, bgggawwkk” whenyourkidsask if you'd like some more chicken soup. The otherflu starts in your stom- ach and hunkers downlike tribe of squatters. It produces simultaneous diarrhea and vomiting,the old D&V, which leaves you confused as to which way to tum — and wondering where God gothis zanysense of humor, You dare not eat or drink anything. (To what «nd? Literally.) How can youeat? Your teeth feel like rutabagas, and your tongue looks like the thing that burst out of that guy’s solar plexusin Alien. The doctor says you should drink to avoid dehydration. Oh, dehydration is bad? This is a rompin the park, but dehydrationis whatwill kill me? forehead, and the perpetual squint. By noon myskinfelt like I'd fallen asleep on a radiator. I spent the was that we sent 450,000 troops to week — and produces nausea, ing. This flu lasts five days, or until the chicken fat begins to seep Yesterday morning I gotthefirst telltale signs: the fogginess in the straight up. It really adds to the ambience. I learned this from my mother, the opera singer. She'd get a cold, and it was Mimi's death scene from ‘La Boheme.’ afternoon thinking whata wasteit unless youplan to live through the ing desire to leap off the 19th floor favorite part! —“is when your hair hurts so you can’t brush it, and you can walk around with it sticking Tony flu. Onestartsin your throat with an of the Hyatt Regencyandlandflush on that idiot woman playing the harp in the lobby at 7 in the mom- Citizens Good,give me dehydration. This flu lasts 24 hours — the longest 24 hours since PBS ran “A Day In The Life Of Elliot Richardson” — nearly all of which you spend in close proximity to tile floor, asking how could you have been so stupid as to cutclass the day they wentoverthis in biology. Lucky me. I have both. (Excuse me,Beright back.) I've spentthe last eight hours taking measurements around my house so I can know exactly how far it is to the bathroom from anywhere. I wantto knowif I can make it — or should J just order new carpet now? “Flu is a good topic to write about,” my friend Norman said. “It's really going around. I just talked to Vinnie, and he was hacking up something green.” IT knew I was goingto getthe flu It was just a matter of time. Five days ago mysonhadit. He threw up four times. Two days ago my daughterhad it. She threw upeight Express myflu instead? (Oops. Be back in a second.) Children aren't bothered by the flu. They get it, no big deal. The older you get though,the greater the dread. Let's suppose we could choose whichtype offlu to have:the five-day ache-all-over malaise, or the 24-hour fire-hose blast? A college student will invariably select the shorter, more intenseflu. What's throwing up to them? Nothing. They doit all the time. It’s like a lab science. A quick mraallph, and they're back at the keg. Now a 40-year-old might be tempted to walk that same path, and this would be terrible blunder, because they’ve forgotten how unbelievably awful and disgusting throwing up is when they haven't doneit for 15 or 20 years. I wouldn’t wish that on a dog.I take that back. I would wishit on a dog. Just not a dog in my house. Amazingly, somepeoplethink the flu is fun. My smart friend Martha, for example, who hardly ever gets sick, actually enjoys it. “My favorite part,” she said — her I always wondered, would you let a doctor pump you with a .22 so you'd be immune to getting whacked with a .357 magnum? At least these days the flu isn’t what it was 100 years ago. Thenit was an epidemic. Deaths from the flu pandemic in 1918-1919 numbered in the millions. That was when men were men, and flu was flu. Now you haveall these designer flus, like swineflu (which always. troubled me because they wanted to give you some to help build up an immunity, and I always wondered, would you let a doctor pump you with a .22 so you'd be immuneto getting whacked with a .357 magnum?I think not) and Type-A flu and,of course, the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu, whichI'd loveto explain, but unfortunately,I've got to run. Tony Kornheiser is a syndicated humor columnist and a writer for The Washington Post. ACROSS 1 French head 5 Basketball move 10 It may be raised 14 October tone 15 One-celled animal 16 '50s song, for instance 17 GOP 68 Do in DOWN 1 Mary _ Lincoin 2 Olympics sword 3 Tasseled toppers 4 Romeoor Juliet 5 Republican supporter,eg nightmare 6 “__ restless 20 Tyrants 21 Tennistourney favorite 22 Inventor Whitney 23 Tattoo word 24 House dwellers 33 Make a asa willow 7 Dog doc 8 Newspaper 9 Wester city 10 Dairy product 11 Aweather's opposite 12 French notion Edited by Stanley Newman 13 Blue 45 Skeptic's 18 Either of two remark “Untorget48 Adventurous table” singers 47 Silkworm of 19 Location India st 24 Newscast 48 Invalidates segment 51 The Odyssey 25 Diamond is one bungle 52 Atter-bath 26 Lying flat wear 27 Omitin “Put _onit!” pronunciation 54 The Lion King 28 vice villain president 29 Tarnish 30 Competing 31 Actress Verdugo 3 complement 37 Jets and Sharks neighborhood 38 AncientItalian 55 ee! tel" 56 Adjective ding 57 Legendary Roman king 58 Caich sight of 60 Suffix for block mistake 34 Inter 35 Actor Wag) 36 Corfield pest Undeliverable piece of mail Chicken style At First-rate 42 Word of warning Compasspt. ‘80s namein the news 49 OpenTV time slot Ode subject 51 Blackboard adjuncts 55 Silly 59 Party meeting 61 Footnote abbr. 62 Gymnast ‘Comaneci 63 Light source 64 Yield 65 Inexperienced Answers on Page 4 Come In and See What’s New at ae Square, 4100 South & Redwood Road LHSPHCiAasonrs NICKEL Rook NEW LINE OF BOYD’S: ¢ Bears & Friends e Folkstones & gs : BABY SALE §& © > Thursday, Sept. 18th through Saturday, Sept. 27th & (. 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