| OCR Text |
Show Davis Edition Citizens Wednesday, September 24, 1997 Flu isn’t as bad as it once was,butit’s still no fun times. I knew when my tum rolled You'll please excuse meif I inter- ruptthis columnfrom timetotime to dashtothe bathroom.I have the flu. aroundI was looking at double fig- There are apparently two kinds of flu. Onestarts in yourthroat with an annoying dryness and a gagging sensation, and eventuallyspreads to your head, your chest, your back Tony ures Kornheiser telltale signs: the fogginess in the ambience. I leamedthis from my forehead, and the perpetual squint By noon myskin felt like I'd fallen mother, the opera singer. She'd get Yesterday moming I got thefirst week — and produces nausea, ALIGHTER VIEW aches, tiredness, sneezing. a voice Express myfluinstead? (Oops. Be back in a second.) Good, give me dehydration. This flu lasts 24 hours — the longest 24 hourssince PBS ran “A Day In The Life Of Elliot Richardson” — near- ing. This flu lasts five days, or until ly all of which youspendinclose the chicken fat begins to seep proximity toatile floor, asking how could you have been so stupid as to through your pores, and you hear yourself say, “bgggawwkk, bgggawwkk” when your kids ask if you'd like some more chickensoup. Theotherflu starts in your stomach and hunkers down like tribe of squatters. It produces simultaneous, diarrhea and vomiting,the old D&V. which leaves you confused as to which way to tum — and wondering where God gothis zany sense of humor. You dare not eat or drink anything. (To what end?Literally.) cutclass the day they wentoverthis in biology Lucky me. I have both (Excuse me. Be right back.) At least these days the flu isn’t whatit was 100 years ago. Thenit was an epidemic. Deaths from the flu pandemic in 1918-1919 numbered in the millions. That was when men were men, and flu was five-day ache-all-over malais the 24-hour fire-hose blast? A col- lege student will invariably select the shorter, more intense flu. What's. throwing upto them? Nothing. They doit all the time. It’s like a lab sci- flu. Now youhaveall these design- might be tempted to walk that same path, and this would be terrible give you sometohelp build up an should I just order new carpet now? ‘Flu is a good topic to write about,” my friend Norman said, talked to Vinnie. and he was hack- immunity, and I always wondered, would you let a doctor pump you with a .22 so you'd be immuneto blunder, because they've forgotten how unbelievably awful and disgusting throwing up is when they haven't doneit for 15 or 20years. I wouldn't wish that on a dog. I take that back. I would wishit on a dog. getting whacked with a .357 magnum? I think not) and Type-A flu and, ofcourse, the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu, which I'd love to explain, but unfor- Just not a dog in my house. ‘Amazingly, somepeople think the T knew I was going togettheflu. It was just a matter of time. Five days ago mysonhadit. He threw up four times. Two days ago my daughter hadit. She threw upeight tunately,I've got to run. flu is fun. Mysmart friend Martha, for example, who hardly ever gets move 10 It maybe raised 14 October birthstone 15 One-celied animal 16 '50s song, for instance P nightmare 20 Tyrants 21 Tennis tourney favorite 22 Inventor Whitney 23 Tattoo word 24 House Tony Kornheiser is a syndicated 66 Doin Down 1 Mary _ Lincoin 2 Olympics sword 3 Tasseled toppers 4 Romeoor Juliet 5 Republican supporter,e.g. 6 “_ restless asa willow 7 Dog doc 8 Newspaper notice 9 Westem city 10 Dairy product 11 Aweatner's 13 _ Blue 18 Either of two *Untorget table" singers 49 Location 24 Newscast segment 25 Diamond wungle 26 Lying flat 27 Omit in pronunciation 28 ‘50s vice president 29 Tarnish 30 Competing 31 Actress Verdugo 32 Sea complement 37 Jets and Sharks 12 French notion r aan Ve 39 AncientItalian F { | ‘opposite 33 Make a 34 mistake Inter 35 Actor Waggoner 36 Comfieid pest 38 Undeliverable pieceof mail 40 Chicken style 41 First-rate 42 Wordof waning 43. Compasspt 44 '80s namein the news. 49 OpenTV time slot 50 Ode subject 51 Blackboard adjuncts 55 Silly 59 Party meeting ry neighborhood he — aes PE . 45 Skeptic's remark 48 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 block Te 2 | rll iaataail | a e 7 Re be a 7] = Ks po ir fa 7 KE he ei ie: = ff" 62 Gymnast Comaneci 63 Light source 64 Yield @ 5 65 Inexperienced pe ° 7 81 Footnote abbr. | The Odyssey is one Atter-bath wear "Put _onit! The Lion King viliain ‘| cannot tell Adjective endin Legendary Romar king Catch sight of ——-60._Suiffix for c humor columnist and a \Writerfor actually enjoys it. “My favorite part.” she said — her Capitol Ideas by Ed Julius Edited by Stanley Newman ACROSS 1 French head 5 Basketba dwellers choose whichtype offlu to have: the so T can know exactly howfar it is to the bathroom from anywhere. 1 want to knowif I can make it — or ing up something green.” avoid dehydration. Oh, dehydration dread. Let’s suppose we could erflus, like swineflu (which always troubled me because they wanted to “Its really going around. 1 just but dehydration is whatwill kill me? older you get though,the greaterthe ence. A quick mraallph, and they're back at the keg. Nowa40-year-old lookslike the thing that burst out of is bad? This is a rompin the park, Children aren't bothered by the flu. They get it, no big deal. The T've spentthelast eight hours taking measurements around my house How can you eat? Yourteeth feel like rutabagas, and your tongue that guy’ssolar plexusin Alien. The doctor says you should drink to I always wondered, would youlet a doctor pump you with a .22 so you'd be immuneto getting whacked with a .357 magnum? the Persian Gulf. Why not Federal like Baba Wawa and an overwhelm- It really adds to the a cold, and it was Mimi's death scene from ‘La Boheme.” aftemoon thinking what a wasteit was that we sent 450,000 troopsto, unless you plan tolive through the ‘on that idiot woman playing the harp in the lobby at 7 in the mom- straight up. asleep on aradiator. I spent the and your legs — nothing you need ingdesire toleap off the 19th floor of the Hyatt Regencyand land flush favorite part! —“is when yourhair hurts so you can’t brushit, and you can walk around with it sticking Page 3 LNESeFVa Olgey0)ce 5 7 Pe 5 ee — 7 SREATORS SYNDICATE © 1997STANLEY NEWMAN Answers on Page4 The Washington Post. Community Calendar Continued from Page 2 loan fromthe Utah MuseumofFine Arts. ChapmanBranch. Free seminar addressing America’s health care crisis, “miracle” andotherrelated methods. Informa- enrichment and fun activities for tion call Chris at 571-4844. babies (to 24 months) and their care- nutrients and how they work, the real cause of sickness and disease and othertopics will be held Sept term study dealing with hypnosis * Melody Boys Quartet: The Melody Boys Quartetwill be performing traditional Southern Sept. 24 — Book Baby: language MainLibrary, 10:30 a.m. ulking about Books: f gospel music on Sept. 28, 10:30 by a.m. at the Salt Lake Christian Cen- Branch,11 a.m. ter, 4300 S. 700 East, SLC. Information call Lynette at 268-2178. * New MSPatients’ Class: A free “Newly Diagnosed Seminar” for anyone whohas beendiag- nosed with multiple sclerosis in the Bless Me, Ulitma Rudolfo Anaya. Sprague Sept. 26 — Receptionfor Utah: A Personal View, photography by Robert Barberio, an exhibit running through Oct, 28. Foothill Branch, 7- 8pm. past twoyearswill be held Oct, 4, 9 Oct. | — First Wednesdays: discussion of new books. Foothill a.m.-I p.m. at the Veteran's Administration Hospital (550 Foothill Blvd.) Multipurpose Center, bldg. 8. Speakers will address multiple cussion of Skin Tight by Carl Hiassen. MainLibrary, 7 p.m sclerosis, treatment options, services available and recent research. RSVP by Sept. 29. Information or to RSVP, call Paula at 575-8500 or toll-free (800) 527-8116. * Upcoming Events at City Branch, 10 a.m. Oct. 2 — Booksto Die For: dis- tion on these events, contact your The German American Society South,offers activities for the pub- will have its annual Fall Dance on Oct. 3, 7:30 p.m. in the LDS Wilford Stake Center, 1765 E. 3080 South, SLC. Music provided by Salzburger Echo;entertainment by Hans Huettlinger. German food available. Admission $6; members and students $4; available at the door. Information call Walter at 292-1969. * Bereavement Support: Support sessions for widowed persons are held at 2 p.m. on the lic throughout the week. For more information on any activity, call 532-0459. Sept. 24 — Lunch Bunch Enter- tainmentSeries: Melissa Anderson, vocalist. Noon. — ComeAlive After Five: Free concert featuring the Salsa Brava, a hot Latin Salsa band; also prizes, food and drinks. 5-9 p.m. Sept. 25 — Lunch Bunch Enter- tainment Series: Paul Boruff, soft folk rock. Noon. The following events will be going on at Salt Lake City Library ing, Oct. 2, 7 p.m. at the Midvale City Hall, Center Street, Midvale. Buhler, Sweet Branch. Through Dec. 22 — Exhibit, Mexican Retablos & Ceramics, on Tuesday evenings, 7:30-9:30 p.m. at Westvale Sept. 29 — Lunch Bunch Enter- Presbyterian Church, 3610S. 4400 tainmentSeries: Avenues Jazz Trio. West. InformationhealligoeA838. Noon. * Junior Jazz Basketball: Jordan Community Schools and Salt Lake County Recreation will be offering Junior Jazz basketball ° Bon The Bonsit ‘Club of Utah will hold its annual Fall Show o1 27, 10 a.m.-6 p.m. at the House Garden Center in § Utah ie gameticket and player tions will be available: a demonstra- leagues for boys andgirls,first-9th House Park, 1550 E. 2100 South, grade, many levels and abilities. SLC. Displays, trees for sale and Fee ; includes games, jersey, members willing to answer question on rock planting by bonsai master BenSolariwill be given at | appearance. Registration taken at West Jordan City a 8000. S. Redwood Rd. Oct. 2! p.m. Show, demonstration are free and opento the public a.m.-3 p.m.; Oct. 21,ie i p.m. Information call 569-5090. s Songworks, formerly the Salt Lake/WestValley Chorale, is a non- r Health Seminar: “Me ure. Medicaid and LongTerm Care — How They Can and denominational community choir. Continued on Page 4 New members are welcome. Refreshments and entertainment will beprovided * Health Seminar: Through Oct. 25 — Exhibit, Jim jorie Ann McClure & Julie Ann invited to rehearsals on original. Noon. + AARPMidvalley Meeting: The AARP Midvalley Chapter #3921 will hold its monthly meet- Through Oct. 25 — Exhibit, Art of the Students of Julie Jacobsen. Sprague Branch ter, 10 E. 6150 South (between Main and State streets), Murray. There are no fees. Informationcall 467-4136. zallivan Center Activities: The Gallivan Center, 36 E. 200 New singers inall voice parts are Sept. 26 — Lunch BunchEntertainment Series: Crimson Blue,all nearest branch, orcall 524-82. Libraries: locations: month at the Murray Heritage Cen- 26, 7 p.m. in Lehi. Information, location andregistration call Anne at (800) 701-7910, * Fall Dance: All city library programs are free and opentothe public. For informa- first and third Thursdays and the second andfourth Saturdays of the V | r eeesy sare + Sandcastle Bountiful 1645 5,500 W. 292-5220 All SEATS $2.00 A 0 y 0 H 0 O erwo =_ to buy AMERICA TOP 40 ‘i DOT Si nentce Jay B Crowther a 1628 South Main 5 Pts. Mall @ Bountiful . ® The Disney Channel(East & West) @ ESPN © ESPN 2 : cc : Hck at Nite's TV Land Central ° NikelodaonNek cat Night 292-1173 Ag & West) For 24 Hour Claim Service — Being in good hands is the only place to be. ©1996 Allstate Insurance Company, Northbrook, Illinois, Subject to avallabllity and qualifications, Other terms, conditions and exclusions may apply. ey ronnyicraeal ©® ABE Court 1V *° Headline News ° CSP AOU STATA] fl| $59.95 $69.95 $14.99 aiaae Rand McNalley Street Guide 14. Rand McNalley Trip Maker 914.99 Mech Warrior 2 Earthworm Jim Sesame Street Numbers . $9.99 $0.00 see Crusader No Regret .... Magic Carpet 2 Ten Pin Alley... eenCee Network @ The Leaming Channel © CN 8 TheSeif! Channel eave $ Country Music Television een : National Empowerment Television © VHi 2 Ea $ The Weather Channel Gar ®© TVHome Food& Network The Travel Channel ETWOR SATELLITE TV SYSTEI o ADORESS: ony. oe NOW AND GET A FREE | sti INSTALLATION KIT! Cc | Coupons avollable ot our dit network dipicy. | | RECEIVER SERIAL ¢ RECEIVER CA #: (800) ———_—_—_—__ 5628 8 900 E S.L.C. UT 266-4748 ompiete Sy: t sysiem Best Value ® Package ® Complete 18" Satellite ee with Universal Remote Control @ Full (5) Unconditional Warranty ; DATE OF purcMaseI 60 On pace INSTALLATION! | see ce Set operons t z oS | ANEW? Ink Refill Kits starting at $95 Great for Genealogy and Scrapbooks 4 pl No Upfront Annual Subscription Required! 29 $4.09 ess : 2199 A CUSTOMER NAME; BUY A DISH N | | | PACKAGE ise ny MeaERE ae ee oea 24 999 FREE INSTALLATION Our Price Corel WordPerfect Suite 8. There has never been a better time TneTd ioh’s ovartted echosior dealenhip serving oll of * 100% CREDIT APPROVAL 88 a |g H CaerMeeaeat)ReA | Oree‘per7897Gy oncouponpt come frenOioePeatonFoee Complete rier purchared, innched On OoRwoned between August 1997Orel kepremiber 30, 07 PER MO. PLUS TAX CALL NOW FOR DETAILS SALT LAKE & DAVIS COUNTY M ore. wot FUTURE CONCEPT Petter ASK ABOUT OUR OTHER 75 GREAT CHANNELS! EO Te or ameter rnconronste ememeeee FOF LOSS, 0 Netra ws become ord er tf Kh Conmaron J 294-5400 ; rain 1-888-294-5402 ec or ea to may gph Maperny en Wr eh Orn tn he tne et Bie |
