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Show Citizens SouthEdition Wednesday, September 24, 1997 Flu isn’t as bad as it once was, butit’s still no fun You'll please excuse meif I inter- times. | knew when my tum rolled around | was lookingat double fig- tupt this columnfrom timetotime to dash tothe bathroom. I have theflu. Tony Kornheiser There are apparently twokinds of flu. Onestarts in yourthroat with an annoying dryness and a gagging sensation, and eventually spreads to your head, your chest, your back and your legs — nothing you need week — and produces nausea, A LIGHTER VIEW like Baba Wawa and an overwhelm- ing desire toleap off the 19th floor Good, give me dehydration. This flu of the Hyatt Regency andlandflush onthat idiot woman playing the harp inthe lobby at 7 in the momthe chicken fat begins to seep The otherflustarts in your stomsquatters. It produces simultaneous diarrheaand vomiting,the old D&V, which leaves you confused as to which way toturn — and wondering where God got his zany sense of humor. You dare not eat or drink anything. (To what end? Literally.) Howcan you eat? Your teeth feel like rutabagas, and your tongue lookslikethething that burst out of that guy’s solar plexus in Alien. The older you though, the greater the choose whichtype offlu to have: the the 24-hourfire-hose blast? A col- lege student will invariably select the shorter, moreintense flu. What's throwingupto them? Nothing. They I've spentthelast eight hours taking measurements around my house so I can know exactly how far it is ach andhunkers down like atribe of flu. They get it, no big deal. The five-day ache-all-over malaise. or in biology. Lucky me. I have both. (Excuse me. Be right back.) you'd like some more chicken soup (Oops. Be back in a second.) Children arent bothered by the proximity to tile floor, asking how cutclass the day they went over this bgggawwkk™ when your kids ask if Express my flu instead? dread. Let's suppose we could could youhave beenso stupid as to and you hear “beggawwkk, the Persian Gulf. Why not Federal jasts 24 hours — the longest 24 hourssince PBS ran “A Day In The Life Of Elliot Richardson” — near- ly all of which you spend in close ing. This flu lasts five days, or until say, forehead, and the perpetual squint. afternoon thinking what a waste it was that we sent 450,000 troops to aches, tiredness, sneezing, a yoice yourself” Yesterday morning I got thefirst By noon my skinfelt like I'dfallen asleep on a radiator. I spent the unless you plantolive through the through your pores. ures telltale signs: the fogginess in the favorite part! —“is whenyourhair hurts so you can’t brush it, and you can walk around with it sticking straight up. It really adds to the ambience. I leamed this from my mother, the opera singer. She'd get a cold, and it was Mimi"'s death scene from ‘La Boheme.” / always wondered, would youlet a doctor pump you with a .22 so you'd be immune to getting whacked with a.357 magnum? At least these days the flu isn’t what it was 100 years ago. Then it was an epidemic. Deaths from the flu pandemic in 1918-1919 numbered in the millions. That was when men were men, and flu was, doit all the time. It’s like a lab sci- flu. Now youhave all these design- back at the keg. Now a 40-year-old er flus, like swine flu (which always troubled me because theywantedto ence. A quick mrraallph, and they're to the bathroom from anywhere. I might be tempted to walk that same path, and this would be aterrible give you someto help buildup an immunity, and I always wondered, want to knowif I can make it — or should I just order new carpet now? “Flu is a good topic to write blunder, because they've forgotten how unbelievably awful and disgusting throwing up is when they would you let a doctor pump you about,” my friend Normansaid. “It’s really going around. I just haven't done it for 15 or 20 years. I doctor says you should drink to avoid dehydration. Oh, dehydration is bad?This is a romp inthe park. ing ae something green.” I knew I wasgoingtogetthe flu. It was just a matter of time. Five days ago myson hadit, He threw up four times. Two days ago my wouldn't wish that on a dog. [ take that back. I would wishit on a dog. Just not a dog in my house. Amazingly, some people think the flu is fun. My smart friend Martha, but dehydration is what will kill me? daughter had it. She threwup eight sick, actually enjoys it. “My favorite part.” she said — her talked to Vinnie, and he vas hack- for example, whohardly ever gets with a .22 so you'd be immuneto getting whacked with a .357 magnum?I think not) and Type-A flu and, ofcourse, the rockin’ pneumo- nia and the boogie-woogie flu. which I'd love to explain, but unfortunately, I've got to run. Tony Kornheiser is a syndicated Newsday Crossword : 66 Doin DOWN 1 Mary _ Lincoin 2 Olympics word Edited by Stanley Newman 13 _ Blue 45 Skeptic's 18 Either of two remark “Uniorger$f hones 8 Sikworh of fe : india 24 Newscast 48 Invaidates segment 51 The Odyssey ACROSS 1 French head 5 Basketball moves 10 M be raised 14 October birthstone 3 Tasseled 15 One-celied animal 16 '50s song, for instance 17 GOP nightmare 20 Tyrants 21 Tennistoumey favorite 22 Inventor Whitney 23 Tattoo word 24 House dwellers 33 Make a mistake She o 6 7 8 9 «10 11 12 ; Say ACO Kz fry 43 Compasspt 44 49 50 51 80s name in the Open TV time slot Ode subject Blackboard adjuncts 62 63 64 65 meeting Gymnast Comaneci Light#ource Yieks inexperienced humor columnist and a writer for The Washington Post 53 Pu villain 55 ‘i cannot tell 56 Agiective 54 The Lion King king 58 Catch sight of 60. Sufix fo block TT rz 2. 1" | i lice tah eee a == - eae a Se : 5 a — is 7 o zt oe | a st pana at r re bt tt + do fF “4 " fee FF CREATORS SYNDICATE © 1907 STANLEY NEWMAN Answerson Page 4 Community Calendar * Hypnosis Study: If you experience headaches, body” pains/aches, stress-related Continued from Page 2 * GermanChorus Auditions: The German Chorus Harmonieis conditions, sports injuries, physical health problems/issues, or if you preparing for a new season and would like to welcomenewsingers feel“stuck” ina particular emotion, (soprano, alto, tenor, bass). No behaviororsitiuation, you could be knowledge ofthe Germanlanguage eligible toparticipate in a free shortterm study dealing with hypnosis and otherrelated methods. Information call Chris at 571-4844. is required. only willingness to learn. Rehearsals are held every Tuesday, 7:30-9 p.m. at the 10th anit istration Hospital (550. Foothill sclerosis, treatment options, ser- to RSVP, call Paula at 575-8500 or Blvd.) Multipurpose Center, bldg. vices available and recent research. toll-free (800) 527-8116. 8. Speakers will address multiple RSVP by Sept. 29. Information or + Eventsat City Libraries: baby lock performing traditional Southern Waiter at 292-1969. gospel music on Sept. 28, 10:30 + Employee Investments: A seminar, “Your Employees — a.m. at the Salt Lake Christian Cen- Golden Investments” presented by Dr. Kathy Edwards on Sept. 30, 11:30. a.m.-1:30 p.m. at the Davis ter, 4300 S. 700 East, hae afer: mationcal] Lynette at 2 * New MSPatients’ Class: A free “NewlyDiagnosed Seminar”for anyone whohas beendiag- Applied Technology Center, 550 E. 300 South, Kaysville. Cost $25; includes lunch and seminar materials. 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