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Show aoe East Edition Citizens Wednesday, September 24, 1997 Fluisn’t as bad as it once was, butit’s still no fun You'll please excuse meif I inter- Tuptthis columnfromtime totime to dash tothe bathroom. I have the flu There are apparently two kinds of Tony Kornheiser flu. Onestarts in yourthroat with an annoying dryness and a gagging sensation, and ev entually spreads to your head, your chest. your back unless you plan tolive through the week — and produces nausea, harp in the lobbyat 7 in the mom ing. This flu lasts five days, oruntil through your pores, and you hear yourself sz “bgggawwkk, beggawwkk’ when yourkids askif you'd like some more chicken soup The otherflu starts in your stomach and hunkers downlike a tribe of squatters. It produces simultaneous diarrhea and vomiting,the old D&V, which leaves you confused as to which wayto turn — and wonder- ing where God got his zany senseof humor. You dare not eat or drink anything. (To what end? Literally.) How can you eat? Your teeth feel like rutabagas, and your tongue can walk around with it sticking straight up. It really adds to the telltale signs: the fogginess in the forehead, and the perpetual squint. By noon my skinfelt like I'd fallen Express my flu instead? like Baba Wawaandan overwhel Im- the chicken fat begins to seep Yesterday morningI gotthe first ures wasthat we sent 450,000 troops to the Persian Gulf. Why not Federal aches,tiredness, sneezing, a voice ing desire to leapoff the 19th floor favorite part! —~is whenyour hair hurts soyoucan’t brushit, and you asleep on a radiator. I spent the afternoon thinking what a waste it and your legs — nothingyou need of the Hyatt Regency andland flush ee that idiot woman playing the times. I knew when my turnrolled around I was looking at doublefig- Good, give me dehydration, This flu lasts 24 hours — the longest 24 hours since PBS ran “A Life Of Elliot Richardson” — near- lyall of which you spendin close proximity to a tile floor, asking how couldyou have beenso stupid as to cut class the day they went overthis in biology Lucky me. I have both. (Excuse me. Be right back.) I've spent the last eight hours taking measurements around my house so I can knowexactly howfar it is to the bathroom from anywhere. 1 wantto know if I can make it — or should I just order new carpet now? “Flu is a good topic to write about,” my friend Norman. said. (Oops. Be back in a second.) Children aren't bothered by the flu. They get it, no big deal. The older youget though, the greater the ence. A quick rmraallph, andthey're back at the keg. Now a 40-year-old might be tempted to walk that same path, and this would be a terrible blunder, because they've forgotten how unbelievably awful and dis- gusting throwing up is when they with a.357 magnum? At least these days the flu isn’t flu pandemic in 1918-1919 numbered in the millions. That was when men were men, and flu was flu. Now youhaveall these designer flus, like swine flu (which always troubled me because they wantedto, give you sometohelpbuild upan immunity, and I always wondered, Photography by James Butterfield would you let a doctor pump you The Sheltie hails from Scotland's rugged Shetland Islands, and was with a .22 so you'd be immune to getting whacked with a .357 mag- haven't doneit for 15 or 20years. 1 num? I think not) and Type-A flu and, of course, the rockin’ pneumo- that back. I would wish it on a dog. nia and the boogie-woogie flu, whichI'd lovetoexplain, but unfortunately, I’ve got to run. doctor says you should drink to ing up somethinggreen.” Tknew | was goingtoget the flu. It was just a matter of time. Five Just not a dog in my house. Amazingly, somepeoplethink the is bad? This is a romp inthe park, but dehydration is what will kill me? days ago mysonhad it. He threw up four times. Two days ago my daughter hadit. She threw up eight sick, actually enjoys it. avoid dehydration. Oh, dehydration ———————— 1 always wondered, would you let a doctor pumpyou with a 22 so you'dbe immunetogetting whacked wasan epidemic. Deaths from the wouldn't wish that on a dog. I take that guy’s solarplexusin Alien. The mother, the opera singer. She‘dget whatit was 100 years ago. Thenit “It's really going around. I just talked to Vinnie, and hew was hack- lookslike the thingthat burst out of ambience. I learned this from my the 24-hour fire-hose blast? A col- lege student will invariably. select flu is fun. My smart friend Martha, for example, whohardly ever gets “My favorite part,” she said — her Tony Komheiser is a syndicated humor columnist and a writerfor The Washington Post. Community Calendar Continued from Page 2 The AARP Midvalley Chapter #3921 will hold its monthly meet- Through Dec. 22 — Exhibit, Mexican Retablos & Ceramics, on Joan fromthe Utah MuseumofFine ing, Oct. 2, 7 p.m, at the Midvale Arts. ChapmanBranch. Sept. 24 — Book Baby: language enrichment and fun activities for babies (to 24 months) andtheir care- givers. MainLibrary, 10:30a.m Sept. City Hall, Center Street, Midvale. New members are welcome. Refreshments and entertainment will be provided * Health Seminar: Free seminar addressing America’s health care crisis, “miracle” — Talking about Books: nutrients and how they work, the A discussion of Bless Me, Ulitma real cause of sickness and disease by Rudolfo Anaya. Sprague Branch, 11 a.m, Sept. 26 — Reception for Utah: A Personal View, photography by Robert Barberio, an exhibit running through Oct. 28, Foothill Branch, 78 p.m. Oct. 1 — First Wednesdays: dis- cussion Branch, Oct. 2 cussion of new books, Foothill 10 a.m. — Books to DieFor: disof Skin Tight by Carl Hiassen. Main Library.7 p.m. All city library programsare free and open tothe public. For information on these events, contact your nearest branch, or call 524-8234. + AARPMidyalley Meeting: andother topics will be held Sept 26, 7 p.m. in Lehi, Information, location andregistration call Anne at (800) 701-7910. * Fall Dance: The German American Society will have its annual Fall Dance on Oct. 3, 7:30 p.m. in the LDS Wilford Stake Center, 1765 E. 3080 South, SLC. Music provided by Salzburger Echo; entertainment by Hans Huettlinger. German food available. Admussion $6; members and students $4; available at the door. Information call Walter at 292-1969. * Bereavement Support: Support sessions for widowed Pet of the Week a cold. and it was Mimi’ 's death scene from ‘La Boheme.” dread. Let's suppose we could choose which type of flu to have: the five-day ache-all-over malaise, or the shorter, moreintense flu. What's throwingup to them? Nothing. They doit all the time. It’s like a lab sci- Page 3 bredtobe protective, obedient and not to stray away. “Scottie.”this 4 year-old, didn’t follow his upbringing and found himself lost, He's well-behavedandshy, and his photo will be entered in the Art for Ani mals VI silent art auction Sept. 26 to raise funds for low cost spay/neuter programs. Public welcome. Information call 264-2267 FALL SALE Perennials, Herbs, Concret Planters, Benches & Fountains persons are held at 2 p.m. on the 532-0459. first and third Thursdays and the secondand fourth Saturdays ofthe Sept. 24 — Lunch Bunch EntertainmentSeries: Melissa Anderson, vocalist. Noon. month at the Murray Heritage Center, 10 E. 6150 South (between Main and State streets), Murray. There are nofees. Information call 467-4136. oC an CenterActivities: The Gallivan Center, 36 E. 200 South,offers activities for the public throughout the week. For more information on any activity, call — ComeAlive After Five: Free concert featuring the Sal: hot Latin Salsa ban food anddrinks. Sept. 25 — Lunch Bunch Entertainment Series: Paul Boruff, soft folk rock. Noon. Continued on Page 4 XO aia Since 1984 Hours: nes, 331. E.. University Pkwy. eeae SOMEerrBETA NNT Tel: 801-224-9551 Price subject to change w/o notice/All offers exp. 10/5/97 4874 S. Highland Dr, (Ceraete arte) enos A Landscapeof items for your home or garden 6053 S. 900 E. TEL. 262-7045 MON-SAT: 10AM-6PM FALL INTO SAVINGS STERLING FURNITURE PENTIUM 166MMX W/512k $9ggg 430 VXMB,CPU, 6 MB RAM. 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